“Hey Rach, it’s me. I know you know it’s me. I’m not sure why I feel like I need to remind you it’s me. But it’s me,” Brandon Janous, from Knoxville, TN, wrote on the first Father’s Day without his wife, who passed away.
“Today marks another ‘first’ since you’ve been gone. Today is mine, and the kids, and your dad’s first Father’s Day without you. And I’ve got to be honest, it sucks. Not the whole day. The day will be fine. But you not being here today (and every day) just makes things kinda suck,” he continued to write in this painstaking letter.
The father/husband goes on to explain that with his wife no longer around, it seems like he has a new “first” every day. He explains that it’s something he has never really had to think about before, until now. It tends to be the little things, like doing the children’s laundry or changing the bedsheets.
He also believes that these tasks will get easier as he continues on… But on bigger days, like Father’s Day, he is not so sure.
“But I’m not sure that works the same for the big days. Days like today. Days like Father’s Day. Days like your birthday and Mother’s Day. And I don’t even want to think about what Christmas will be like without you,” he wrote.
“Christmas was your favorite day, and we all loved watching how much you loved Christmas. The firsts are just really hard. I’m thinking the firsts may be the hardest, and the seconds will get a bit easier. At least, I hope that’s the case,” he continued.
Then he goes into another “first” that was particularly hard. The family took a trip to see his wife’s parents, AKA the children’s grandparents, in Kansas City that week. They wanted to spend Father’s Day with her father since it only felt like the right thing to do.
“The drive wasn’t as fun without you as my co-pilot — it was longer than I remember. No one entertained the kids like you always did so well. And you won’t believe how many times they said, ‘Daddy…’ followed by a random question or comment,” he said.
Apparently, they said “Daddy” 78 times. He actually counted over the entire eight hours they were in the car together. “That’s 9.75 ‘daddy’s’ per hour,” he added.
“As you know, they used to say ‘mommy’ a whole bunch, but ever since you’ve been gone, I now get the ‘mommy’ and the ‘daddy’ anytime they need something. I remember you always telling me, ‘They just say Mommy so much!’ But, I didn’t realize the magnitude until … the drive,” he said.
But that wasn’t the point of this letter. Her widowed husband was not writing to complain about their children. It was more than that.
“I did need you to understand that I get it now, and I’m sorry I didn’t get it while you were here. I’m sorry I didn’t get a lot of things while you were here,” he wrote.
He goes on to say that he hopes the other fathers in the world understand what mothers go through, and he hopes that they understand it before it’s too late.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t believe I got to be married to a real-life superhero,” he said.
Then he continues on to the real point of the letter. He wants his wife to know that he and the children are doing okay. And he owes that to how well she prepared her children.
He also goes onto tell her that she has changed the world so much, whether she knows it or not.
“People spend their entire lives trying to leave a positive impact on the world, and you did it in only 38 years. It’s super clear that anyone who ever got the chance to meet you left a better person,” he wrote. “I can’t say that about anyone else I’ve ever known. It’s unheard of. It’s what we like to call the ‘Rachel Effect.’ And it’s beautiful. Your impact continues to be so dang beautiful.”
Finally, he just wants to thank her for choosing him 10 years ago.
“I wanted to thank you for making me ‘Daddy’ to the three most amazing kids on earth. I wanted to thank you for molding them into such special kids. I wanted to thank you for leaving your footprint in their lives… I wanted to thank you for making me want to be a better daddy, husband, and friend each and every day.
“I hate so much that you’re not here right now, but I’m so lucky I get to be Daddy and Mommy for this season. I know you know this, but they are so much like you, Rachel. It’s so amazing. It’s so beautiful. And today, on Father’s Day, I’m so glad I get to be their Daddy. It’s my favorite thing I get to be, and I want to thank you for making me my favorite thing.”
Our hearts are melting. See the full letter here.
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