Getting married is one the most rewarding and beautiful things that a couple that loves each other can do. However, that doesn’t mean it’s always a walk in the park. Talk to any married person for any amount of time, and one word they’ll likely never use to describe their marriage is “easy”.
Although many times marriage is quite amazing, there are pretty much guaranteed to be a lot of ups and downs along the way.
However, going into a marriage with the right mindset can make a load of difference, as one man, Gerald Rogers, found out the hard way.
Despite having the best of intentions in the beginning, Gerald’s marriage, unfortunately, ended in divorce. He shared a very thoughtful Facebook post entitled “Marriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had”, which has since gone viral because of just how true his words are.
Anyone currently married or thinking about getting married in the future definitely needs to hear what he has to say.
“Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different…” writes Gerald.
“After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…”
If you are thinking about saying “I do”, read on. Gerald’s 20 rules might just save your relationship!
1. Never stop courting.
The dating process never ends, even after you are married. In order to keep the spark alive, you need to win over your partner’s heart daily. “NEVER GET LAZY in your love,” says Gerald.
2. Protect your own heart.
It is also important to protect your own heart. Love yourself, and love the world, but always remain vigilant. There is a special place in your heart that no one else should ever have access to except for your partner. “Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.”
3. Fall in love over and over and over again.
Yes, people change with time, but that presents an amazing opportunity to fall in love anew. Make sure that you don’t get complacent and think you are entitled to your partner’s love. Be someone worth loving. “Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday.”
4. Always see the best in them.
Focus on what you love about your partner and everything else will melt away. “What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.” Remind yourself how lucky you are to have your partner in your life.
5. It’s not your job to change them or fix them.
Your job is to love your partner unconditionally and without expectations. You never know what the future will bring. Likely change will be a part of it. However, you want to focus on loving your partner for who they are and who they become versus who you want them to become.
6. Take full accountability for your emotions.
Maintain control of your own emotions. It is not your spouse’s job to make you happy, and on the flip side, that means they also can’t make you sad. “You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.”
7. Never blame them.
If you get angry at your partner, don’t blame them for how you feel. “They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility,” says Gerald. Instead, focus on how you can heal yourself and resolve your anger so you can both grow from the situation.
8. Allow your partner to just be.
If they are sad or upset, don’t try to change anything. It isn’t your place to try and fix the situation. It is better to just hold your partner and let them know things are going to be okay. But the most important thing is that you’re there for them. “Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere.”
9. Be silly.
Stop taking yourself and life so seriously. It’s okay to stop and smell the roses and have a little fun too. “Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.” It really is true what they say about laughter being the best medicine.
10. Fill their soul every day.
“Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED,” says Gerald. He recommends that you ask your partner to make a list of 10 things that make them feel loved. Memorize those things and refer back to them often.
11. Be present.
Giving someone your time means nothing if you aren’t actually present. More important than giving lots of time is to give someone your complete focus and attention during the time you do spend with them. “Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER.”
12. Be willing to take them sexually.
Seduce your partner with your masculine or feminine presence and carry them away into bliss. “Penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.” Embrace your love and the polarity between one another.
13. Don’t be an idiot.
Also, don’t be afraid to be an idiot. Everyone makes mistakes, but you want to try to make sure the mistakes you make are small. If you do mess up, make sure you learn from the experience. “You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.”
14. Give them space.
Loving is everything, but you also must be careful not to drown your partner with your love. Take time for yourself occasionally, and give your partner space as well. “Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…”
15. Be vulnerable.
It’s okay to admit that you don’t have it all figured out. Open up to your partner about how you are feeling. Marriage is about learning and growing together. “Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.”
16. Be fully transparent.
Never hide anything or tell half-truths. The foundation of a successful relationship or marriage is built upon honesty. “If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share.”
17. Never stop growing together.
Don’t let your relationship become stagnant. You must always work to keep things fresh and exciting, which means making an active effort. “Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.”
18. Don’t worry about money.
Finances can both bring you and your partner together or tear your love apart depending on how you approach them. Don’t stress about money, but also don’t neglect to handle your finances. No matter what you do though, remember to always work together as a team. “Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.”
19. Forgive immediately.
Instead of carrying around baggage from the past, it is better to forgive and move on. Focus your attention on the future instead. “Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.”
20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
This is the most important of Gerald’s 20 rules for a happy marriage. Even if you disregard all of the other rules, make sure to never forget this one and you will probably do alright. “If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure,” says Gerald.
Gerald ends his thoughtful post with a few simple words of wisdom, reminding us about what marriage really is.
Hint: it’s not the fairytales that we see in the movies.
“In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come,” writes Gerald.
“Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time. These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward.”
While sadly, Gerald’s own marriage ended in divorce, hindsight is 20/20 so they say. However, at least he was able to learn from the experience and share his newfound wisdom with the world.
While these twenty pieces of advice aren’t anything that we’ve never heard before, we definitely really appreciated them, and people on Facebook did too. Next time you are struggling, refer back these rules and remember, when in doubt, always choose love.
Check out Gerald’s full viral Facebook post below to see his marriage advice in its entirety.
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MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my…
Posted by Gerald Rogers onSunday, July 28, 2013
