No matter how much we mentally prepare, nothing can really get us ready for the death of a loved one. Although it’s generally frowned upon to discuss death in our culture, the truth is that death is a natural part of life that all of us will experience in some form or another. One of the major milestones as we become adults is when our parents pass away—we must then find our way in a world where we are our only guides.
Relationship coach Lisa Schmidt wrote a list of 10 things she learned about herself after both of her parents passed away.
Schmidt lost both of her parents within two years of one another.
Her mother’s death was relatively sudden while her father passed away shortly after from a cancer diagnosis. Her list details many things that she took for granted and expresses the rawness of her grief:
1. My phone is never more than 1 foot away from me at bedtime, because the last time I did that I missed the call that my mother died.
2. The very thought of my mother’s death, at times, made me physically ill for about six months after she died. I literally vomited.
3. Their deaths have at times ripped the remainder of our family apart. I did my best to honor their wishes and sometimes that made me the bad guy. The burden of that was immense, but I understood why I was chosen. It made me stronger as a person, so for that I am grateful.
4. I’m pissed that my son didn’t get to experience them as grandparents. I watched it five times before his birth and I feel robbed. He would have adored them and they him.
5. I would not trade my time with them for anything, but sometimes I think it would have been easier had you died when I was very young. The memories would be less.
6. Don’t bitch about your parents in front of me. You will get an earful about gratitude and appreciation. As a “Dead Parents Club” member, I would take your place in a heartbeat, so shut your mouth. Get some perspective on how truly fleeting life is.
7. It’s like being a widow — a “club” you never wanted to join. Where do I return this unwanted membership, please?
8. Other club members are really the only people who can truly understand what it does to a person. They just get it. There is no other way to explain it.
9. Life does go on, but there will be times even years later, you will still break down like it happened yesterday.
10. When you see your friends or even strangers with their mom or dad, you will sometimes be jealous. Envious of the lunch date they have. Downright pissed that your mom can’t plan your baby shower. Big life events are never ever the same again.
The list was posted in an article Schmidt wrote on Huffington Post and has been liked and reshared nearly a million times.
Some of the pains that Schmidt mentions are common to us all—the lesson about hearing someone else complain about their loved ones while they are still alive is a lesson we can all learn from. Others are more specific. After all, not all of us have children or want them, and the idea of those hypothetical kids not having grandparents may not occur to us. She also makes the bittersweet point that having them die late in life was almost harder than if they had died young—what if they had never had time together? Would the pain have been easier?
Schmidt’s story is a reminder to hold those we love close to us—and to express that love frequently. Likewise, those who are in grief should also find healthy ways to express themselves. If we all communicate and work together, we can help one another our of our grief.
If this resonates with you, feel free to share your own experiences in the comments below.
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