Given its predominantly humid, subtropical climate and the abundance of folks who earnestly decorate their cars with bold bumper stickers and maintain an unwavering gaze for extended intervals, Florida’s winters aim to stay mild, seemingly avoiding any abrupt changes that might trigger a panic among the residents, leading to alligator encounters.

On occasion, former Kroger business executives from Ohio and their second wives, who happen to be Pilates instructors, make the inadvertent decision to relocate to Flagstaff. They subsequently experience a blend of sadness and frustration when they confront the reality of an average winter temperature in the 20s.

However, the majority of Arizona bestows the comforting warmth of the dry desert days, which proves beneficial for arthritis and may even alleviate any residual guilt stemming from leaving their first wives to handle their rebellious teenagers back in Indian Hill.

It’s impossible to make sweeping statements about the climate in a state as vast as California, except for a few notable exceptions. Tahoe and Shasta are akin to picturesque winter scenes; San Francisco’s weather is remarkably constant, except for that peculiar summer interlude when it feels like winter, often leading to Mark Twain misquotations.

In Los Angeles and San Diego, it’s a perpetual beachwear and surfing lifestyle, except during Sharknado season. And when it comes to Fresno, the mystery endures – there don’t seem to be any meteorologists around, leaving the seasons there a perpetual enigma.

Colorado may seem like an unusual choice for a state that encounters substantial snowfall. However, the reality is that here, snowfall is a reason for jubilation.

Have you ever visited Colorado in the winter? The sun radiates, the winter sports are top-notch, and if people aren’t partaking in legal substances, they’re indulging in exceptional beer.

It’s intriguing to note that New Mexico essentially mirrors Colorado, and I’m not just referring to their shared penchant for attracting spiritually inclined, physically fit individuals with strangely well-developed calf muscles who enjoy the outdoors while donning shawls adorned with Native American motifs (though that’s also accurate).

When it comes to geography, both New Mexico and Colorado boast high plateaus, mountain ranges, deserts, basins, delightful winters, and a strong affinity for green chiles.

The fact that Mardi Gras falls in February (or early March) is no coincidence—it’s the perfect time to celebrate! But in case you’re wondering why it’s set that way, it’s because Mardi Gras is determined by the church calendar to consistently occur on the day before Ash Wednesday. Regardless of the reasoning, Louisiana knows how to handle the colder months quite well.

Apart from the northern regions, Nevada typically escapes the harshest elements of winter. In fact, this is the prime season for desert living, where you can enjoy the outdoors without risking a heat stroke.

While beloved spots like Las Vegas remain shielded from dreadful weather, they aren’t immune to groups of rowdy individuals becoming agitated when they find out the hotel pool isn’t open, despite the temperature being a mere 49 degrees.

From a psychological perspective, it would seem that Georgia should be comfortably distant from the winter woes, and oftentimes it is. However, freezing rain can pose a significant challenge, tornadoes persist even into February, and when snow does arrive, Atlanta has a unique talent for showcasing a collective “we were severely unprepared for this” response like no other city.

Similar to Florida, Alabama swiftly casts off the winter blues, benefitting from its location along the Gulf Coast. Winter temperatures in this region tend to be quite mild, and as the season draws to a close, while most other states are still bundled up, Alabama is already looking ahead to planning for spring break.

With the exception of the Blue Ridge Mountains, large swaths of the state can go for years without encountering snow (if there’s any winter weather, it’s likely freezing rain). The state’s mild winters are essential, considering the more immediate concerns, including hurricanes, sharks, and interactions with other South Carolinians.

Northern Mississippi occasionally experiences a touch of blizzard activity (snow tornadoes!), though it’s certainly not the usual weather pattern. Plus, even if a cold spell does occur, you’ll typically find yourself back to enjoying sweet tea-sipping weather in no time.

Not many places can boast a mountain range that acts as a protective shield against invasions of Midwestern winter weather, but North Carolina is one of the fortunate states with this natural defense. As a result, it enjoys a relatively mild and manageable winter, despite its coastal location.

Historically, Texas has been a bit of a mixed bag, with West Texas characterized by an arid desert climate that occasionally experiences blizzards, and East Texas enjoying a subtropical, year-round humid environment. In the past, Texas might have been considered a place where winter posed few problems.

However, after the devastating snowstorm that hit the state in February 2021 (not to mention the actions of certain U.S. senators conveniently “dropping off their daughter in Mexico” during the crisis), we’ve had to rank it higher on the list.

While Tennessee may experience some chilly weather, it’s essential to consider the benefits of hot chicken. Every publication is, after all, contractually obligated to mention it when discussing Tennessee. Hot chicken serves as a much more effective belly warmer than hot chocolate, especially during late-night cravings.

Similar to Colorado, Utah offers a dependable supply of sunny winter days and access to exceptional cold-weather recreational opportunities, exemplified by the 2002 Olympics. However, unlike Colorado, you won’t find unrestricted access to cannabis here.

On rare occasions, Old Man Winter may make a significant appearance, but, in general, the larger concern in this area revolves around the threat of rampaging feral hogs.

The Texas panhandle, akin to the shape of a real pan, tends to endure the chilliest temperatures. The rest of the state usually faces at least one substantial snow or ice episode each winter, although such wintry conditions don’t typically persist for an extended period.

As a bonus, on colder days, residents can jest with one another about the wind sweeping down the plain. Well, perhaps not, because, more often than not, things are just fine.

In general, winters tend to be more challenging the closer you get to DC, which might be attributed to the geographic conditions or the bone-chilling effects of daily political discourse. The mountains, on the other hand, undoubtedly receive their fair share of snow, but their beauty and tranquility couldn’t possibly be influenced by the political developments unfolding on the Senate floor at any given time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone approached me and said, “Let’s discuss Maryland’s climate, particularly in the winter,” I’d still be empty-handed. However, if you head west on Route 68 towards Cumberland and beyond, it can become quite cold and snowy, while in the vicinity of Baltimore, the winter conditions tend to be relatively mild.

Kentucky may evoke warm images for Northerners, where they picture a temperate climate allowing them to savor hot weather alongside their Hot Browns while sporting extravagant hats filled with bourbon. However, upon visiting Kentucky, it quickly becomes apparent that it’s essentially just like southern Ohio in terms of climate.

John Denver famously depicted West Virginia as “almost heaven,” but he could have just as well portrayed it as “almost certainly the place where you’ll encounter harrowing driving conditions on I-77 and wonder if they could have thought of a more imaginative name for a sizable ski resort than ‘Winterplace.'”

Though it might have altered the song’s flow a bit.

Missouri’s southern location generally spares it from the harshest winter extremes. However, the state’s major cities are positioned just far enough north to ensure you’ll experience a few wintry surprises each season. These cold spells, perhaps inspiring the creation of Bud Ice at one point, are best combated with a piping hot, perfectly normal cracker-thin pizza oozing with processed cheese.

Being situated right in the heart of the country means you’re in for some middle-of-the-road winters – at times, it can be quite harsh, while on other days, you might find yourself thinking, “Wow, it might reach 80 degrees today.”

This unpredictable weather pattern leads Kansans to place a significant emphasis on the capricious nature of their winters, although that’s mostly due to a lack of other prominent topics to discuss.

Whenever Delaware is hit by a winter storm, you can almost guarantee that a more sizable metropolitan area endured even harsher conditions, leading to Delaware’s winter struggles often going unnoticed by those outside the state. Essentially, for Delaware, winter is like a colder extension of the rest of the year.

Vermont endures some truly harsh winters, with most regions receiving an average of about 8 feet of snow. However, akin to places like Colorado, Vermont residents appear to take pleasure in the challenge of needing chains on their vehicles.

This might be attributed to the state’s position as the East Coast’s ultimate skiing destination, or perhaps it’s because the excessive consumption of maple syrup has some peculiar effects on one’s psyche.

Picture boarding a train on a winter morning, surrounded by people bundled up in their puffy coats, looking tired and grumpy. There’s just one seat available, sandwiched between two guys who clearly exude obnoxious vibes.

Nevertheless, it’s a seat, so you take it. However, as you settle in, you can’t shake the feeling that both of these individuals view YOU as the troublemaker. Now, imagine that this morning feeling lasts for a few months.

That’s essentially what winter in New Jersey is like, with Philadelphia and New York as your fellow commuters.

Pennsylvania exhibits a somewhat divided winter character. In the eastern part, you encounter the more aggressive, impatient, and confrontational type of winter blues, which can even involve getting a car battery in your face, even if you’re dressed as Santa.

Further inland, the mindset is more in line with the Midwestern approach, involving a “let’s bunker down and power through this” attitude.

This might lead to culinary creations like sandwiches stuffed with French fries because you’ve pretty much given up, or a complete loss of count when it comes to pierogies consumption, resulting in the decision to order even more.

Unlike the challenges of summarizing the climates in some larger states, Rhode Island faces the opposite issue – it pretty much gets a taste of whatever weather Massachusetts and Connecticut are experiencing. Plus, it’s tough to savor a Del’s Frozen Lemonade when your car is buried under 28 inches of snow, and they’ve closed down both 295 and the Providence Place Mall.

New Yorkers tend to oscillate between boasting about their relatively moderate winters compared to other major northern cities like Boston and Chicago and shifting into a “STOP EVERYTHING AND WITNESS OUR STRUGGLE” mode when confronted with severe weather.

Meanwhile, Buffalo, enduring some 30 feet of lake-effect snow, finds itself alternating between marathon shoveling sessions and quiet, fireplace moments spent shedding a tear or two over those shoveling ordeals, all while generously enjoying shots of Frank’s hot sauce.

Connecticut’s winter can bring all the harsh elements of a New England winter, but unfortunately, it lacks the ski perks found in nearby states. Yes, we’re including Mohawk, Ski Sundown, and Mount Southington in that assessment.

The beauty of Crater Lake seen while snowshoeing, the excitement of snowboarding down Mt. Hood or Bachelor, and the serene snowy views of the Three Sisters mountains from a cozy cabin in the high desert are undeniable.

However, all of this is counterbalanced by Portland hipsters who grumble about the rain for five months but steadfastly refuse to purchase an umbrella. In essence, hipsters have a knack for tarnishing even the splendor of Crater Lake.

The winter landscapes in the mountains of Washington are undeniably beautiful. However, reaching these destinations often entails enduring cold, sideways rain, which transforms into sleet just as the roads become treacherous switchbacks covered in ice.

The never-ending rain that dominates much of Washington State during the winter has certainly inspired some remarkable music over the years, but it’s no coincidence that much of that music carries profoundly melancholic narratives.

One could certainly argue that Wyoming deserves an even higher ranking. The Chinook winds sweeping in from the Rockies help mitigate the most bone-chilling cold, and even when heavy snowfall occurs, the sheer beauty of the Grand Tetons in winter makes it nearly impossible to feel miserable.

Wyoming is, in essence, the attractive middle child of the Western states: not quite as harsh and frigid as its older sibling Montana, less quirky than Idaho, and somewhat oblivious to its distant connection with the Dakotas.

If you happen to reside up in the upper reaches of Idaho’s “chimney,” along Route 2 near Bonners Ferry or beyond, it’s almost as if you’re living in Canada.

In this case, you aren’t enjoying the protection of those delightful Chinook winds we keep mentioning, but you might have the perk of accessing more affordable prescription drugs, so it’s a bit of a trade-off.

However, due to the generally temperate climate in most of Idaho compared to other Western regions, you’ll find wealthy West Coast residents donning their expensive fur-lined ski attire to make use of the facilities in Sun Valley.

A general sense of apathy settles in the Granite State when they come to terms with the fact that you can’t race NASCAR in 70 inches of snow. Instead, this sunniest region of New England must find a way to cope with a sense of longing, sifting through collections of old Joe Lieberman campaign signs and hoping someone has taken care of plowing and salting Route 93.

When it comes to Massachusetts winters, you’re faced with a choice: would you rather endure somewhat milder winters along the coast with heavier snowfall, or face the brutally cold Tom Brunansky-bat-to-your-ears kind of cold in Western and Central Mass with slightly less snow?

In either case, there’s some suffering involved, but at least the state tends to do a commendable job of keeping the Pike clear of snow.

Alaska undoubtedly experiences some of the harshest winter conditions, with extreme cold, heavy snowfall, and months of darkness.

However, the state’s unique winter experiences, like witnessing the Aurora Borealis, dog sledding across glaciers, and cozy cabin getaways, can make the cold more bearable. Depending on your sense of adventure, Alaska’s ranking on this list could vary.

The Continental Divide indeed yields distinct variations in sunlight, wind, precipitation, and temperature, depending on whether you’re in the eastern or western part of the state. Interestingly, all those insufferable celebrities who acquired ranches in the area don’t seem to be making much use of their properties in January. Perhaps that’s actually a silver lining?

The Region, which is the cleverly named northwest corner of the state bordering Lake Michigan, undoubtedly bears the brunt of it all. Without warning, a sudden foot of snow can seemingly appear out of nowhere and deliver a punch to the face.

Despite being accustomed to such conditions, I-65, the state’s main artery, has a knack for transforming into an unnavigable frozen, windswept wasteland to the extent that the state is compelled to close it, directing traffic onto similarly questionable state highways.

In Ohio, you contend with the lake-effect snowstorms along the Snowbelt, the moderate cold in the central lowlands and Columbus, and then there’s Cincinnati, which is essentially basking in Kentucky’s subtropical, humid climate and hosting wall lizards—a species more commonly associated with Florida or Texas. Ohio, in essence, represents three distinct winter regions, each with its own brand of misery.

Chicago winters are well-known for being tough, occasionally even reaching Siberia-like extremes. Yet, the people there display a warm and generous spirit that can be seen in unique acts of solidarity, such as passionate debates over whether a pair of plastic lawn chairs equate to permanent rights to a parking spot someone shoveled out after a snowfall.

In downstate Illinois, conditions are generally not as severe, although you do have to contend with the reality of being in downstate Illinois.

Winter in northern Maine is often compared to the harshness of Game of Thrones’ Long Night. While much of the state is sparsely populated due to the severe cold, the coastal and southern areas experience milder winters thanks to their proximity to the Atlantic.

Mainers maintain a positive attitude toward winter, engaging in activities like skiing and sledding. This upbeat outlook, combined with fewer people in the harshest regions, prevents Maine from ranking lower on the list.

Nebraska doesn’t endure the intense Midwestern winter punch you might expect. Winters in western Nebraska are quite moderate, thanks to the tempering influence of Chinook winds, similar to Wyoming. In the eastern part of the state, people simply hunker down with their corn stockpiles.

Nevertheless, winters in Nebraska lack the extensive list of wintry activities or sights found in other parts of the country, which places this state relatively high on our list.

Once, during a January trip from Chicago to Iowa for a basketball game, I encountered a treacherous whiteout snowstorm. The storm led to a significant traffic jam due to a jackknifed truck on I-80, and I had to navigate an equally unsettling farm road to escape.

This harrowing experience was met with a somewhat disconcerting Midwest friendliness from Iowans. Iowa deals with an array of challenging weather, including winter snowstorms, frequent thunderstorms, and an average of 47 tornadoes annually, earning a reputation for harsh winters.

There’s a good reason why it seems like there’s a bar on practically every block in Wisconsin cities and towns. The state’s enduring, soul-chilling cold and persistently gray weather can only be battled with copious amounts of brandy Old Fashioneds, Spotted Cow beer, and a variety of fried dairy products.

South Dakota boasts an average high temperature during the cold months that is four degrees warmer than its northern counterpart. The Black Hills are remarkably beautiful when covered in snow, and South Dakota winters offer some redeeming qualities like ice fishing and snowmobiling.

These factors have led us to declare South Dakota the better of the two Dakotas. It can rightfully claim the slightly less miserable throne!

For many Michiganders, winters in the lower peninsula mean leaving work in the dark, dealing with slushy highways, and enduring the frustration of not knowing if it’s raining or snowing. The mornings are still dark, and after scraping your car free of ice, you’re likely to encounter traffic slowdowns caused by people ogling an SUV stuck in a ditch.

Outdoor winter recreation options are limited, and the constant noise of snowblowers and snowmobiles can be maddening. Even when spring arrives, dirty snow piles linger, especially in the Upper Peninsula, where they may persist until early May.

Despite their generally cheerful Nordic disposition, residents of Minnesota endure some of the harshest winters in the US. Northern parts of the state receive up to 170 inches of snow, and temperatures can plummet to a bone-chilling negative 60 degrees. It’s okay for Minnesotans to express a little displeasure with these extreme conditions. After all, emoting can be good for the soul.

North Dakota consistently earns the title of the coldest state in the contiguous United States. With near-constant snowfall and temperatures regularly plummeting to the minus 20s and sometimes minus 30s, it’s a place where extreme cold is the norm. The flat landscape, among the flattest in the Great Plains, offers no refuge from biting winds that hinder road visibility and cause highway closures during blizzards. The city of Fargo gets an average snowfall of 51.4 inches per year!

What sets North Dakota apart as the most miserable winter state is the lack of scenic solace that neighboring states provide. Instead of lakeside cabins and picturesque winter landscapes, North Dakota offers vast prairies, grasslands, and wetlands, all buried under unending snow with nowhere to hide.