The idea that anyone should remain in an emotionally abusive marriage is ridiculous. But summoning up the strength and courage to leave is one of the hardest things that a person can do.
Shelby Cahalan knows all about nasty divorces, though, of course, there were no signs that her love story would turn sour when she first met her now ex-husband.
After a fast-moving romance, Shelby and her ex married when Shelby had just turned 20. Her ex had two children, which Shelby raised like her own, loving them dearly.
Unfortunately, Shelby began to suffer emotionally at the hands of her ex, but she didn’t realize this at the time. Aged 22, she gave birth to twins, despite being told by her husband that she was “fat, lazy, worthless, b*tch, whore” on a daily basis.
After the birth of her twins, Shelby suffered from postpartum depression. Sharing her story with Love What Matters, she recalled:
“Suddenly, everything was compounding. I was increasingly unhappy but scared to upend the lives of our children. It wasn’t until I tried to address these feelings, two years later, with my small-town doctor, my eyes suddenly opened, ‘Shelby, I can write you a prescription, but I’m not sure that’s going to help. I think what you have is situational.’”
That moment was the motivating force that Shelby needed to take action. She didn’t want her children to miss out on beautiful, happy milestones because of how she felt inside. So she told her husband that she wanted a divorce.
Of course, this was not destined to be easy for Shelby. She recalled experiencing “hate, anger, pain”, and was jobless, her finances low, and unable to see her ex’s two boys. But she picked herself up and did everything she could for her children, working nights as a nurse while her mom provided night-care.
In this time, Shelby started seeing a man on a long-distance basis. The pair started out as friends, but Shelby felt something more, and he helped her to gain confidence in herself. Despairingly for Shelby, the man went onto start a committed relationship with another woman closer to home, and all of the confidence that Shelby had gained collapsed in on itself.
It was then that Shelby had a very important realization. She knew now just how much she based her self-worth on what others thought about her. She didn’t know how to feel without someone telling her. And she knew that things had to change.
The following months saw Shelby work on herself like never before. She learned how to be happy on her own – and so much more. She recalled:
“I learned how to be a single mom, a nursing student, a good friend. To REALLY focus on my physical and mental health for me. Slowly but surely, that strong, happy person was coming back. She was still in there.”
It had taken a nasty divorce and a failed venture into dating for Shelby to realize her self-worth. No longer did she let the words of anyone else affect her. She understood that by placing her self-worth in what others thought of her, she had been unable to enjoy her pregnancy or her marriage. She knew now that she was free – free to be herself.
Four years ago, Shelby and a stranger locked eyes in a bar. Both claimed not to be looking for anything serious, and so followed “Wednesday date nights” and “weekend sleepovers”. According to Shelby, this man was the type of person that you couldn’t help but like.
The pair are now happily married, and Shelby feels “incredibly lucky” for the life they share together.
She found her happy ending. But most importantly, she discovered how to love herself.
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