10+ “Polite” Habits Restaurant Workers Actually Secretly Despise

While we aim to be considerate diners, some well-intentioned gestures may complicate restaurant staff’s jobs, warns etiquette expert Valerie Sokolosky. Insights from servers, hosts, chefs, and bussers highlight the need to understand dining and tipping etiquette to avoid unintentional challenges for those in the service industry.

Don’t: Hold up your glass for a refill

When your waiter is lugging a heavy pitcher or is at the opposite end of the table, the instinct to hold up your glass for an easier pour is understandable. However, it’s more practical to leave your glass on the table rather than holding it in your hand. According to Susie L., a server in an Atlanta fine-dining restaurant, raising your glass makes it unstable, increasing the risk of accidental spills. In essence, this seemingly helpful gesture adds unnecessary stress to the situation.

Do: Leave your glass on table or hand it to your server

To avoid complications, just leave your glass on the table. If you’re in a hard-to-reach spot, pick up the glass and hand it to your server. This advice applies whether you’re dining at a top-tier restaurant or your favorite chain establishment.

Don’t: Go to the server station

Waitstaff typically have designated stations in the restaurant stocked with their job essentials, but these areas aren’t intended for customer use or visibility. A messy and prominently visible station is considered a red flag in restaurant etiquette. Anica G., a server in Shakopee, Minnesota, cautions against customers approaching the server station to “save a trip” for the server, as it hinders efficiency and actually prolongs the process.

Do: Signal to the server

If you need assistance, signal your server and wait for them to come to you. Avoid approaching the server station, as it can disrupt their workflow and lead to delays.

Don’t: Split the check at the end

Anica expresses a pet peeve: when she asks about splitting the check, and customers respond with, “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out later.” She emphasizes the importance of deciding beforehand, as it simplifies the process. Sorting it out after the meal, especially if it’s not an equal split, can be more complex and creates an awkward situation for both customers and the waiter.

Do: Decide how you pay before ordering

To streamline the process, decide at the start of the meal who is covering what and how many checks are needed. Communicate this to your waiter early on, avoiding complications and delays when settling the bill later.

Don’t: Put trash in glasses

Customers occasionally throw napkins and trash into their drinking glasses, thinking it helps clean the table, but it often results in a bigger mess. Anica explains that this practice forces servers to dig out the debris before washing the glasses, making the cleanup more challenging. She emphasizes that it’s simpler to rinse a glass that only contained liquid, compared to having to scrape off food, straw wrappers, and other residue before putting it in the dishwasher. Baristas at coffee shops like Starbucks encounter similar challenges.

Do: Keep trash in a designated spot

To facilitate easier cleanup, keep trash in one or two designated spots on the table, and place used napkins next to your plate. This helps maintain cleanliness and avoids the need for servers to contend with debris inside drinking glasses during the washing process.

Don’t: Use terms of endearment for waitstaff

Servers often share that they’ve been called endearing nicknames such as “sweetheart,” “honey,” “missy,” “darling,” “handsome,” or “cutie.” While these may seem friendly, they can be perceived as patronizing or even harassing. Maddie C., a hostess and busser in Seattle, points out that name tags are worn for a reason. She stresses that it’s not appreciated when customers ask for last names or “real” names, particularly for individuals of color. Maddie recounts uncomfortable experiences where customers sought her full name to find her on social media, describing it as both creepy and inappropriate. Her advice: “Don’t do that.”

Do: Call them by their name

A simple and respectful approach: address your server by the name on their name tag. This guideline applies not just to restaurant servers but also to flight attendants, fostering a more courteous interaction.

Don’t: Order for everyone

While there are specific situations where one person may be designated to order for the entire table, such instances are relatively rare, according to Lizzy V., who worked at a diner in Archer, Idaho. Ordering as a group often complicates the server’s job by limiting the ability to ask individual preference questions, increasing the likelihood of errors. Lizzy emphasizes that it’s also frustrating not knowing who to give each dish to when the order is ready.

Do: Have each person state their order

Streamline the ordering process by having each person communicate their order directly to the server. This includes children, who not only get to practice their manners but also enjoy the sense of responsibility, making them feel grown up.

Don’t: Give cooking instructions when ordering

If you have a specific request for the kitchen, it’s essential to communicate that to your server. However, it’s advisable to avoid presenting a lengthy list of intricate or detailed instructions. Maddie points out that some customers attempt to take on the role of the chef, dictating how dishes “should be” cooked. She notes that restaurant staff, including servers, have valuable insights into the food, often knowing details that servers might not eat themselves. Trusting the expertise of the staff and allowing them to guide you can enhance your dining experience.

Do: Stick to the given choices

Limit your requests to personal preferences, such as specifying the doneness of your meat or indicating any allergies you have. While personal requests are welcome, it’s advisable to avoid providing a lengthy list of detailed instructions, allowing the kitchen and servers to manage the overall dining experience more smoothly.

Don’t: Give physical compliments

Commenting on someone’s body, including making inappropriate remarks about their appearance, is inappropriate and constitutes harassment in any professional setting, including restaurants, retail, or elsewhere. Alexander D., a server in Washington, D.C., highlights the issue of customers making inappropriate comments, emphasizing that it is unacceptable regardless of the person’s gender. Etiquette expert Sokolosky advises refraining from such comments and steering clear of discussing physical appearance in general.

Do: Compliment their skills

Offering compliments on a server’s skills is a positive way to acknowledge their hard work. It’s not only encouraging for the server but can also contribute to their professional recognition. Make it a point to inform their manager about the excellent service you received, ensuring that the server is duly appreciated for their efforts.

Don’t: Stack plates

While many customers may believe they’re being helpful by stacking dirty plates, glasses, and utensils, this is a restaurant habit that should be avoided. Most restaurant staff have specific methods or protocols for clearing tables, and customers’ attempts to help can actually slow down the process. For instance, bar glasses may need to be returned to the bar area instead of the kitchen. According to Susie, customers often unintentionally create tall, unstable towers that are challenging for servers to pick up or carry. It’s best to leave the table setting as it is and let the restaurant staff handle the cleanup.

Do: Let servers take care of it

It’s acceptable to stack a few dishes, especially smaller ones like appetizer plates, to clear some space. However, etiquette expert Sokolosky advises leaving the bulk of bussing to the designated busser. The restaurant staff, including bussers, are trained to handle the clearing and cleaning of tables efficiently, and well-intentioned efforts by customers may inadvertently disrupt their workflow.

Don’t: Put your napkin on top of a dirty plate

Contrary to what many people were taught, placing your napkin over your plate is not the correct way to signal to your server that you’re finished with your meal, and according to Sokolosky, it can be messy. The napkin likely carries remnants of what was on your plate, potentially staining or soiling the hands of whoever picks it up. This highlights how etiquette rules have evolved, and the traditional method is no longer considered the standard practice.

Do: Put your napkin next to the plate

To signal that you’ve finished your meal, place your napkin on the table next to your plate. This is the appropriate way to communicate to the server that you’re done without causing any potential mess or inconvenience.

Don’t: Seat yourself immediately

Grace T., a hostess in Houston, shares that in a dining hall with multiple seating areas, some customers ignore signs that say ‘Wait to be seated’ and choose their own table. While they may believe they’re being helpful, it is counterproductive. Grace explains that such restaurants with hosted seating have a system to evenly distribute customers among servers. When customers seat themselves, it disrupts this system and can create imbalances. Therefore, it’s crucial to follow the established protocol and wait to be seated by the hostess.

Do: Wait to be seated

Observing proper dining etiquette involves waiting to be seated and refraining from changing tables without first consulting a host or server. Following these guidelines ensures a smooth and organized dining experience, particularly in establishments with hosted seating arrangements.

Don’t: Order from another server

If your waiter appears busy, it’s best not to ask a different server for additional items like dessert or another appetizer. According to Sokolosky, this can create confusion when assembling your bill. Additionally, it’s important to respect the division of tasks among servers; asking a different server for additional items adds to their workload and may disrupt the overall service flow. It’s advisable to wait for your assigned server to handle your requests to ensure a smoother dining experience.

Do: Ask them to call your original server

If your waiter seems busy, a polite approach is to ask another server to help you flag down your assigned server. This way, you can get the attention you need without causing confusion in bill assembly or disrupting the workflow. It’s a considerate way to address your needs while respecting the responsibilities of the serving staff.

Don’t: Explain normal things to waitstaff

Katie P., a server in Berkeley, California, shares her experience of being a waitress to support her PhD studies at a renowned university. Despite her academic pursuits, she encounters customers who assume she’s in this profession because they believe she’s “too dumb” for another job. Katie recounts instances where customers have condescendingly done basic math calculations, explained cooking principles like why meat turns brown, and even attempted to explain her own cultural heritage. Ironically, she notes that these customers are often incorrect in their assumptions. This highlights the importance of avoiding stereotypes and treating individuals in service roles with respect.

Do: Be more respectful

A valuable reminder: refrain from making assumptions about individuals based solely on their job. Stereotyping people based on their professions can lead to misconceptions and unfair judgments. Additionally, it’s wise to avoid discussing sensitive topics at the dinner table, respecting the diverse backgrounds and experiences of those around you.

Don’t: Lift things off the tray

When your server arrives at the table with a tray full of drinks or food, it may seem like a balancing act. Despite the temptation to help by grabbing items or holding up the tray, it’s best not to interfere. Servers are skilled at balancing their loads, and attempting to assist can actually throw off their balance and lead to spills or accidents, according to Alexander. This issue is not exclusive to restaurants; fast-food workers also encounter challenges when customers try to help in this manner.

Do: Help by moving items out of the way

A considerate way to assist your server is to make room for them to place your food on the table. You can move items out of the way to ensure that there is ample space for a smooth and efficient service. This small gesture can help the server in their tasks without disrupting the delicate balance they maintain when carrying trays or plates.

Don’t: Be silent if there’s a problem

While excessive complaining is clearly a breach of etiquette, remaining silent when there’s a significant issue with your meal is also problematic. Katie points out that some customers endure eating incorrectly prepared or allergen-containing food because they fear coming across as rude or like a ‘Karen.’ It’s important to communicate with your server when there’s an issue to ensure that your meal is right. Servers are there to provide excellent service, but they can only do so if customers communicate when something is wrong. Honest feedback helps them address issues promptly and enhance the overall dining experience.

Do: Speak up if you have a concern

Constructive feedback is valuable for improving the dining experience. However, it’s crucial to communicate your concerns politely and respectfully. This approach ensures that your concerns are addressed effectively and fosters a positive interaction between you and the server.

Don’t: Clean up after an accident

If you accidentally knock a glass of wine off the table, it’s understandable that you may want to minimize the trouble for the staff. However, it’s important not to try to pick up the broken glass yourself. The staff has the appropriate tools, such as a mop and vacuum, to clean it up thoroughly and efficiently. It’s safer to alert the staff to the spill and let them handle the cleanup to avoid potential injuries or incomplete removal of glass shards.

Do: Apologize and let them handle it

Allow the staff to take care of the cleanup, and avoid trying to handle broken glass yourself. Politeness and respect in acknowledging the accident go a long way. If you’re interested in other polite expressions, it’s worth exploring the phrases that polite people commonly use in various situations.

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