Older babies and toddlers can experience difficulty communicating, so when they become frustrated or angry, they lash out. They hit, they pinch, they may even bite.
It’s mortifying as a parent to have a teacher or daycare provider tell you that your child was aggressive, even if only for a moment, and especially when someone else gets hurt. Sometimes the victim’s parent will stew in anger over their precious little one being “attacked,” as they see it.
Mom Stephanie Hanrahan had picked up her son Eli from school and found him sporting a bandage and with quite a story to tell — he had been bitten.
She could’ve raged over the incident. She could’ve demanded to speak with the offender’s parents.
But she didn’t.
In fact, this mom’s response to the situation has surprised many.
“My son came home yesterday with a bite mark on his arm and here’s what I did about it: Nothing.”
When reviewing the incident report, it read that her little guy didn’t even cry, which prompted her to realize that her son was maturing when faced with such a situation. That’s huge, because Eli is autistic.
She said she trusted his teachers to have handled the situation appropriately and didn’t feel any animosity toward the other child or his parents. Her son spends 10 hours a day at school and there are bound to be problems brewing.
“Do I need to place blame on the other child or his parents? No way. Because the truth is, children are wonderfully unpredictable little people. So, when they veer off course, when they decide to ditch our plan for good behavior and take their teeth to someone instead, I’ve learned the best way to handle it is to be relational, not reactional. Meaning, how can I relate to the person in the wrong, instead of simply reacting emotionally to the wrongdoing?”
With an open mind, Stephanie explained that all children, her own included, are learning every day and should be given a break when things like this happen.
While she wasn’t happy her son was hurt, kids are being raised to have their own will and mindset, and sometimes their choices require redirection. Ultimately, that’s how they learn.
“While not all children are biters, hitters or pushers, I can’t name a single one who hasn’t needed correcting of behavior, whether that’s simply to not throw food off their tray or to pick up their toys. We are all in the business of bettering our children, so in this situation, there shouldn’t be blame. As long as the parents and teachers are correcting the wrongdoing, offering the child a better alternative to biting, then my son was just a casualty of another child learning and growing, and I’m A-okay with that.”
Stephanie also pointed out that her son is far from perfect. He has pushed other kids in the past and she felt awful about it at the time, too. His older sister Campbell is autistic, too.
“I would’ve given anything to have just one mom look up at me and say, ‘I’ve been there too. It’s okay.’”
So what was her message to the parents of the child who bit hers?
“It’s okay, your child is learning. He’s doing his best and so are you. This wasn’t bullying, or even intentional, it was a three-year-old who can’t verbalize his frustrations and took it out with his teeth. Oh well, he will progress. And in the meantime, you’ve given my son an opportunity to show his progression too. Six months ago, he would’ve retaliated. Now, he took it in stride and went about his play. He’s fine—and your baby will be too. We are on the same team.”
Some parents would not have been as forgiving as Stephanie, but she made many valid points. Littles are still learning, growing and figuring out how to interact with one another. Countless times parents have uttered, “Use your words.” Sometimes that’s just plain hard to do, especially when you’re three. Heck it can be hard when you’re 43.
Regardless, many parents have applauded Stephanie’s outlook about the situation and commended her for being so understanding. She likely doesn’t need the accolades, but kuddos to her for having such a positive outlook and sharing her insight!
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