Your mid-20s might just as well be called wedding season.
It’s the time in life where everyone experiences that gentle pressure to settle down, start thinking about a mortgage and maybe even have some kids. Anybody who has been on Facebook recently can relate to this phenomenon, especially with summer now upon us—summer in your mid-20s is peak wedding season.
Though making a life-long commitment can be a beautiful thing, it also requires some sacrifice. Fortunately, any conflicts between newlyweds usually lead to comedic gold (which must then be shared on social media).
Here are 17 tweets that sum up the tragicomedy of married life.
1.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
As a film nerd myself, this one is tough. Sometimes people just need their alone time, you know? Ultimately, it’s a sign of affection if someone else wants you to know every tiny thing about their day in painstaking detail. Mixed feelings here, overall.
2.
My wife’s been in Homegoods so long she just qualified for medical coverage.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2017
There are certain places where the rules of time and space cease to apply: the line at the DMV, the communal saw at Home Depot, the Ikea in Burbank. Apparently in marriage, you can go ahead and add Homegoods to that list. Pro tip: reframing these situations in a positive light is a very effective form of Zen practice.
3.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Even if they are just trying to help, it’s definitely annoying to get picked on by your significant other for your bad fashion sense. Then again, I only just got rid of the stack of cargo shorts in my closet like a week ago, so maybe some of us should just keep our heads down.
4.
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it’s a can’t opener?
Wife: I can’t believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Ah, the puns. Though a lot of things on this list might cause a little pain, this one is sure to be a hit among the dads out there. And let’s face it guys, we’re all dads at heart. Ladies, I shouldn’t tell you this, but the best way to make the puns stop is to just ignore them (if you groan you might as well laugh, it’s all the same to us).
5.
Married almost 20 years, my advice to dating couples is to ask this important question What are your feelings on air conditioning in May?
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) May 17, 2017
Words of wisdom handed down from on high. Who knew you could pack so much truth and insight into just 140 characters?
6.
“I could just get Quilted Northern and you can get whatever your brand is,” the most married man in Target sighs into speaker phone.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 20, 2017
This raises so many questions. Who is objecting to buying Quilted Northern over another brand (assuming it’s not a generic version that’s just as silky smooth, but come on)? Quilted Northern is the Cadillac of toilet papers and no, they’re not paying us to say that. Why don’t you think you deserve the best? Who hurt you?
To the person on the other end, look: marriage is full of compromises and this is a good place to start. Spend the extra couple dollars, earn some points with your husband and agree to leave the sandpaper on the shelf.
7.
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Before you judge, what kind of a self-respecting person would steal their spouse’s last curly fry? This is instant karma as far as I’m concerned.
8.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 4, 2017
Guys, part of serious commitment is accepting that sometimes your wife is more socially graceful than you are. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.
9.
Don’t marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it does not completely lose its cool and put a gaping hole in the new drywall (there were a lot of drafts of 1st Corinthians).
10.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 18, 2017
As much as people universally hate nagging, we would argue that it’s actually a little underrated. Especially when it saves you thousands of dollars not replacing an exploded engine.
11.
Let’s get married so we can argue about whether or not to throw away a 13-year-old plate.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2017
This is pretty dead on but it also stings a little bit. Also, subtweeting your wife? Probably not the best strategy to get that plate thrown out.
12.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
Basic guideline here is if it looks like anybody has ever lived in it before, your house isn’t clean. We don’t make the rules.
13.
My husband & I fight by changing the wifi password.
— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) November 18, 2016
Passive-aggression level: expert. You know what they say: first the WiFi password, then the locks. Other people say that, right?
14.
WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast?
ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating some nachos* kids are gross
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 1, 2017
What this says to me is that in a good marriage, communication is king. I’m just going to leave it at that.
15.
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, “Breathe the other way”.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
True, but this also sounds like something a newlywed would say. After a while, you probably just stop resisting the inevitable.
16.
Husband asked what I want for my bday. Answer: “I’d love some great guacamole!”
Your 40s lower not just life expectancy, but expectations.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 14, 2017
I like to think of married life as kind of like an avocado. Though you don’t really have a taste for it when you’re younger, as you get older you become wiser, your palate develops and you can finally appreciate all the richness there that you couldn’t before. I’m really into avocados, if you couldn’t tell.
17.
Me: Want me to go grocery shopping?
Wife: NO. All you do is text me questions the whole time. I’ll do it.
Husbanding level: Expert.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 14, 2016
In my family, we call these reverse-psychological maneuvers “out-fumbling” someone. Is it technically emotional manipulation? Sure, but you kind of just learn to look the other way.
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