It’s now been 30 years since little Kevin McAllister made us laugh with his silly shenanigans in the hit movie Home Alone. But, whatever happened to him after he got Lost in New York? Did he grow up to have a happily ever after?
Hollywood has totally left us hanging and we need to know the answer!
Fast forward to the year 2020, when pretty much the whole world is spending lots of time home alone.
Fanboy @KevinJZak has written a proper Twitterverse sequel where Kevin is heading back home as an adult, and over 73K people are ready to binge-watch the movie right flippin’ now!
Folks, this is how the true Home Alone 3 sequel goes (we’re just going to pretend the 1997 version never happened)….
The story starts off with Kevin and his new husband Derek traveling back to Chicago to spend one last Christmas at home. The two are helping Kev’s recently widowed mom pack up and move out of the ancestral home.
Yeah, okay, the beginning does kind of sound like a yawner of a story that would even put Samuel L. Jackson the f**k to sleep.
But wait, there’s more!
Remember the Sticky Bandits that Kevin had such a ball taunting as a kid? Well, now that it’s been 30 long years, those losers finally got their get out of jail free card.
Now that the bumbling pair have done their time and made parole, they’re off to see their plans of revenge on the McAllister clan come to fruition.
Without missing a beat, Marv and Harry – two of the dumbest armed robbers to ever grace the silver screen – find themselves back at the scene of the crime to cause havoc (on themselves) one last time (oops, spoiler alert).
This is where the plot thickens – right after Kevin and his hubby land in the windy city, mom goes missing, and in her place they find a threatening ransom note.
“Kevin and Derek arrive in Chicago after accidentally sleeping in and running through JFK to make their flight JUST in time. They arrive at an empty house with a ransom note that says, ‘We have your mom little buddy.'”
So what does a concerned-but-not-really Kevin do?
He rings up the same useless cops from the first movie, of course!
Marv and Harry, being the old goats that they are, have achy joints and can’t carry Kate very far.
“It turns out Marv and Harry have taken Kate to the church near the McCallister house (the one where Kevin connected with Old Man Marley 30 years prior). Sadly, the church went under 10 years prior and has sat empty since.”
The Sticky Bandits had plenty of time while they festered in jail to come up with a good, solid plan to capture their friendly arch-nemesis.
But somehow the only thing Marv and Harry managed to ensnare in their “bigger and better mousetrap” is their own sorry donkey butts!
“Marv and Harry have Kate in the basement. While they are putting Kevin and his husband through the booby-trapped church, she is able to cut herself free and she takes a crucifix and hits both bandits. They collapse easily because they are now 63 and 77.”
After Kevin, Derek, and Kate are safely back at home, Kevin finally reveals the secret that’s been eating a hole in his heart for far too long.
“Kevin, his mom, and Derek flee the church and head back to the house. Kevin reveals to his mom and husband how he knows the Sticky Bandits and what transpired on those Christmases 30 years ago.”
In this final chapter of the Home Alone story, here is the happy send-off we’ve all been waiting for.
RIP geriatric sticky dudes. You tried. You died. But, you will always live on somewhere in Lana Del Ray’s memories (and perhaps even a prequel).
Here’s what fans have to say about this never-to-be-released film:
@porchia:
“What a wild ride. Thank you for this Christmas gift.”
@realfatapollo:
“1000% WOULD WATCH!”
@robin_foreman:
“Oh my God! This would be a-mazingly hilarious. I really hope it comes to fruition.”
@alextweeting:
“Please link to the @gofundme. You have a 72 million millennials in the United States waiting to fund.”
— Kara Parkinson (@ParkinsonKara) December 6, 2020
The END! Or…is it?
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