When Laura Mazza, the blogger of Mum on the Run, went to her first yoga class it was gas. But not in the way you might think.
Actually, if youโve ever been to a yoga class it might be exactly what youโre thinking because this may have happened to you.
Prepare to laugh/cry.
Mazza is known to put it all out there and not use subtleties when discussing her life on her blog, so it was only fitting that she shared this real as it gets kind of story too.
โIโd like to say Iโm making this story up, but alas no,โ she wrote on Facebook. โThis actually happened tonight. This is long so bear with me.โ
Mazza explains that her doctor suggested trying yoga to help with her muscle separation. So, she did. She was a little uncomfortable in the low lit setting where everyone around her was barefoot.
โEveryoneโs taking off their socks and Iโm thinking oh lord, my toes are hairy and I didnโt have them, I only dry shaved my ankles in case my pants ride up,โ Mazza says narrating her experience.
Mazza was a little nervous and embarrassed of her โFrodo feetโ whilst everyone else had perfectly manicured toes.
The class began and she started to move in and out of yoga positions.
Thatโs when Mazza started to feel a sensation in her guts. She had been experiencing IBS symptoms over the past few weeks and they had now come back to haunt her.
โMy farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant,โ she explains of her IBS symptoms. โAnd somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart. I farted. I farted at yoga. Iโm a walking cliche.โ
She thought she would be able to get away with it since it was a silent fart but then the smell hit her nose.
She just went about her business when the yoga teacher comes along and pushes her deeper into a position.
โI hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again,โ she explains. โShe comes over.. pushes my back downโฆ and buuuuuurrrpppffff. The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.โ
That of course was followed by shame, humiliation, and laugh/crying over a sundae at McDonaldโs. If you really want to laugh you have to read the whole post.
Here it is in its entirety:
โIโd like to say Iโm making this story up, but alas no. This actually happened tonight. This is long so bare with me. I have muscle separation. Having kids separated my abominal wall like Moses parting the Red Sea. Yeah itโs not good and my stomach kinda points out like a cone. So you know, I am trying to get fitter and fix it so it was suggested by a physio to try yoga.
Haโฆhahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. Okay so.
I put on a pair of yoga pants, because for someone who has never done yoga, really, I seem to own a lot of yoga pants. I got the pair that looked less โBall-yโ from sleeping in and yanked them up nice and high and got a clean top. I was wearing my regular nanna jocks. No time for g strings here.
We got into the class and it was dark and thereโs candles everywhere. (Just a slight fire risk you guys), Iโm thinking, holy shit this is real yoga, not like 5, 6, 7, 8 and stretccchhโฆ this is โim going to go to a high place of enlightenmentโ right here. Everyoneโs talking to each other and the trainer, yoga master, limber yoda, whateverโฆ is talking to everyone and like talking to them, sheโs saying โhowโs Daryl and his legโฆ?โ And Iโm there hiding in the corner thinking โplease for the love of god do not notice meโ
Everyoneโs taking off their socks and Iโm thinking oh lord, my toes are hairy and I didnโt shave them, I only dry shaved my ankles in case my pants ride up.
So Iโm looking out at all these slender women with their nice tight yoga pants, and mine with the 80โs flare at the bottom. They all take off their socks to reveal manicured toes and here I am with my froddo feet, trying to hide in the corner so I donโt have to talk about my personal life. Then ashram yoga guru says loudly โoh we have a new member tonight. We are blessed with the company ofโฆ.??โAnd then I replied withโฆ โoh yes. And I am blessed with your companyโ I donโt know why I said that, probably because Iโm a social idiot.
And she said โoh sorry I was after your name.โ
โAh lauraโ
โOkayโ she asked me a few more questions where I fumbled my way through and then I started talking about my muscle separation and her eyes glazed over and I trailed off.
โWelcomeโ she smiled while her skinny body moved down like a slinky.
We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking i can do thisโฆI totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now. We move into the downward facing dogโฆ and thatโs when I started to feel my guts.
Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS Symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant. And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart.
I farted. I farted at yoga. Iโm a walking cliche. My pelvic floor has failed me.Theyโre quiet, so Iโm thinking holy fuck, thank god for that. But then we move to some position where my heads between my legs, and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. I died inside and now I officially smell like something has also died inside. Iโm thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Not only do I look like a slob but now I stink too.
Okay. I gather my resolve and say you know what? Whatever. Everyone farts and I canโt help it. I continue attempting thede ridiculous positions and suck in my core. Fitness here we come. We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor. The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lowerโฆ I thought oh good, gonna get a nice crack in my back again. I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again.
She comes overโฆ pushes my back downโฆ
And buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff
The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.
I froze and thought oh my god. Oh my god.
OH MY GOD. Sweet baby Jesus. What just happened. Iโm dreaming. Surely. Iโm in a nightmare. My face flushes red and I have tears in my eyes from the embarrassment. I got up, attempted to roll up my yoga mat but couldnโt do it, so I just kinda chucked it to the side.. and grabbed my shoes and socks and my bag all in my arms and basically bolted out the door.
I turn around just as Iโm closing the door And look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees wide eyed staring at me in shockโฆ (or in an awake coma from the smell) And guru ashram yoga teacher looks at me, bows her head and joins her hands together and says โnamasteโ
And I think nah Iโm a go, and I run out the door and now Iโm sitting at McDonaldโs eating a sundae crying and laughing. Sorry physio. Iโm never ever ever EVER, doing yoga again. Fuck the muscle separation.โ
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