We all know that rape is a serious thing, but it seems like sometimes the definition of rape carries some confusion. One man’s recent group chat with some of his male buddies proves that some guys really don’t understand.
Brian was as surprised at what he was reading, but the guy talking about it (Mike) didn’t seem to understand that what he did was wrong and wasn’t a bit shy about talking about it.
In fact, it seemed like he was actually bragging about it. Brian shared the conversation online. It went:
Dave: “Morning, Everyone still with us?”
Ed: “Not sure Mike’s girl is.”
Mike: “Lol, Drunkest. Sex. Ever.”
Brian: First, he typed, “Dude, Hooking up with that girl was messed up.” But then he thought twice and deleted it. Instead, he typed out, “That was sexual assault or whatever.” He deleted that message, as well.
Then, another friend shared a picture of a woman they saw the night before.
Dave: “Chick was trashed”
Brian: He typed out: “Ugh. You guys are part of the problem.” Again, he decided against sending it. He sent nothing instead.
Ed: “Who even was that?”
Brian: He typed, “That’s the girl you raped.” He decided to delete the text again.
And that’s how easy it is for men to dismiss rape.
Although Brian knew it was wrong himself, he couldn’t bear to actually say it to his friend. He knew the right thing to say, but it wasn’t going to call his friend out. That too is part of the problem.
According to a survey taken by Oklahoma State University, it’s a lot more common than most people think. One of the researchers, John Foubert, explained:
“One of the things that matter most to boys and emerging adult men is the opinion of other men.”
The problem doesn’t only stand with the men who are doing these things, but when their friends and family members who are letting them get away with it.
Some of them may not consider what they have done rape and will do it over and over again.
If someone calls them out on it, they are more likely to stop and think about what they did. Nobody wants to be labeled a rapist, and the best way to avoid it is to make sure that a woman can consent before sex. Having sex with a woman who is too drunk to consent is still rape, and bragging about it doesn’t make it any less of a crime.
While these other guys can’t be held accountable for their friend’s actions, they can be for their own. Knowing about a rape and not reporting it is also a crime.
While things like this happen every day, it’s important to raise awareness of the problem.
People like to point the finger at women who have been raped and blame them for their actions that led up to it. Women are told that they shouldn’t wear certain clothing, travel alone, or drink too much because it puts them at risk for rape. When the rape happens, people are quick to wonder if the woman did anything to provoke the man into doing it. This is victim shaming, and it’s wrong.
The fictional text conversation between “Brian” and his friends is part of a new campaign called It’s On Us, which is working to take the blame off women and put it where it belongs: on the men.
Former Vice President Joe Biden, a leading voice of the campaign, said in the PSA’s closing:
“Guys, if you know someone who’s had sex with a girl who didn’t or couldn’t consent, it’s on you to confront him. Fear is no excuse. You can help put an end to sexual assault.”
Instead of telling women what not to do to avoid being raped, it’s time to tell men to stop being rapists.
That means cleaning up the blurred lines of the definition of rape and holding people accountable for their actions, even if they are your friends or buddies.
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