Oh hey, did you want to Snapchat with your friends while wearing bunny ears on your head? Do your chores first, and then you can play your furry little games!

Don’t ever tell mom you’re too old for notes. Then she might think you’re too old for her to pack your lunch!

@dogzillakilla:

“I still put notes in my 11 and 7 year olds’ lunches. The other day I opened my lunch at work and they had written me one. Lunch notes FTW!”

I gave birth to you, so I love you and all that. But, don’t mess with my kitchen or I’ll cut you!

Take advice from someone who is experienced in the matter. Go “incognito” when you browse for sexy things on the Internet! You don’t want to give your granny a heart attack.

Wow, kids these days have the weight of the unicorn world on their shoulders. Back when I was growing up we only had to worry about starving kids in Africa.

Do you think that maybe this joke is a little bit orchestrated? But, I guess if it ain’t baroque, then I’ll be Bach!

Mom and dad love you, sweet little darlings! But seriously, if you wake us up before 10AM, you’re gator bait.

@antani2:

“It’s funny because your children are 30 and 37.”

@combzy89:

“I’m a stay at home son.”

Meatloaf is such a good kitty! Most cats wouldn’t have blown the money on cheap cans of tuna and catnip pre-rolls long before their hooman got home.

@randomhate:

“Catfalsefacts: Norse Black Mousers were originally bred to hunt mice in fields but were later used by clergy as an early form of paper clip.”

Don’t test me, son. I WILL disconnect you!

Oops, someone got busted. But, now you two can sit down and have a serious discussion about using organic, non-GMO paper to roll blunts.

That sad face in the coffee cup though! That’s some next level hipster parenting right there. Was it made using Fair Trade coffee grounds?

Too bad it’s not Vin Diesel. That would be quite the fast and furious ride!

Plot twist: the dog did it. Guess he didn’t like bread with his peanut butter.

If you see a black man with a machete, it’s all good! Not that anyone would ever be dumb enough to argue with someone holding a machete.

@anonymous:

“My mom used to tell us about the time she was home with the kids when the doorbell rang and she opened it to find a Mexican man holding a machete. Apparently he was selling boxes of oranges door to door and used the machete to chop up samples. My mom was slightly terrified, and bought a box when he asked…Because…who says no to a machete wielding man? Orange salesman of the year right there.”

Nice try, mom. But you’re absolutely nothing like Red Bull and Cheetos.

This is just mom’s lovely way of saying that she brought you into this world, and she can just as easily take you out of it…with a sucker punch to the throat. Thanks for the tough love, mom!

@chantellie:

“I can’t wait until my kid is old enough for this to be acceptable.”

Well, that’s embarrassing! Good thing pops didn’t find the hemorrhoid cream. I hear that tastes like as…ashtrays.

@madrosey:

“I’m not sure your dad knows the proper use of a smiley face…”

Joke’s on you, mom. He’s just doing it to annoy you.

Hey little buddy, what are you hungry for? Some chocolate? A shot of tequila, maybe? Ooh, I know! How about this empty toilet paper roll I found on the floor?

No, no, no, no, no! And don’t forget to close the door when you’re done.

@Yvonne Bernal:

“Me thinks this kid has abused a few buttons in their life.”

One can only hope there’s some lube to go with that tube, or it won’t be any fun for dad’s sore bum. How’s that for poetry?

Oooh, your mom got you good with that long con joke! The note is even funnier with a rotten banana.

Even though there’s a sticky note app, technology can never replace real sticky notes. There’s just something so satisfying about being able to stick them anywhere!

@WatchOutRadioactiveM:

“YUP! I’ve honestly done the same thing before. Need to remember something at work, put sticky note on my phone, then when I take it out at work, OHHH YEAH!”

Have you seen the cat? Did you take him out of the soup before you turned it on?

Sorry, dad! Next time I’ll remember to put the butcher knives next to the hatchet so the murderer doesn’t have to waste previous time turning around. I’m always forgetting my manners.

“Dear Murderer, after you break into our house through the back door, feel free to use this conveniently placed murder weapon to complete your grisly task. We always like our guests to have what they need. Mi casa, su casa. The Schmidts. P.S. The butcher knives are right behind you.”

It’s all pointless, son. Eat your vegetables and die. Love ya, buddy!

It’s heartfelt interventions like this that lead to more goldfish lives being saved. Bravo, dad!

@OneAndOnlyJackSchitt:

“This issue happened from time to time in our office. People be unplugging the copier or the coffee maker. I actually had to stop someone from unplugging a server (because data centers are overrated according to my office).”

I’m so sorry for your loss. She was a good mom, and so brave, too! Always remember that she loved you up until…8:44AM.

Well, this note leaves a lot open to interpretation.

Is it supposed to read: “lock doors” and “no more them 3 girls at the same time,” or was dad giving his son permission to throw all caution to the wind?

“Lock doors no more” and “them three girls at the same time be good” sounds like dad was being more clever than anyone realized!

Hey mom, did you take YOUR birth control? Don’t want any little brothers or sisters running around.

What’s not to like about this mom? She had me at fireball. And sermon. And the cheeky Hangover Part III sticky note!

Now, that’s a proper dad and firefighter all tumbled into one right there. Thanks for the PSA!

The note reads: “When I grow up I’m going to be a dryer fire! Love, Lint.”

@iwishihadpuppybreath:

“If you spun that into yarn, you could knit your missing sock.”

Silly parent! As interesting and appetizing as this particular dinner menu is, the parent forgot about the fourth option: eat the cat’s food.

@swatz:

“Woo, the cat pissed someone off, got his ass moved to the top of the list.”

Nope, there’s no chance of wheeling and dealing with this bag of bunny snacks. Unless it’s raining ranch dressing, these are totally worthless to trade.

Nah, who needs pants? It’s just dad. Running around the house in 3-day-old boxers is every dad’s forte.

Sounds like dad is speaking from firsthand experience. Those Idaho womenfolk can really surprise you if you give them a chance to come out and play!

@Tomcat27:

“The theme park is called Silverwood, and I can personally vouch that the Dad’s list can be accomplished there with ease.”

The St. Jude’s stationary makes his fatherly love even more legit. It’s not that funking hurd, punk!

@iblowsheep:

“You always hear people say to watch the language around the kids but becoming a parent makes it more necessary to curse than ever.”

Yeah, you’re totally right. Dads who take the time to do sweet things like this for their kids are really weird – and rare – these days!

@mamacrocker:

“My dad did this all the time – drew on the bag, wrote notes, put little toys or surprises in. My friends thought I had the coolest dad in the world (they were right!); a lot of them would even come to him with things they couldn’t talk to their own parents about. I’m 40 and I still have those notes. Your daughter will remember and appreciate this more than many “big” things you could do for her. Good for you!”

Mom is Spanish and she even writes with a cute broken English accent. Shinner bright like a star, sweet pea!

Tim’s dad noticed that he kept bringing the same apple home from work every day without eating it. So, dad decided to name the apple Mike and write about all his adventures!

Don’t you hate it when mom embarrasses you with cheap napkins like this? At least you won’t feel so guilty when you wipe the drool off your face with it.

Sometimes you just have to come right out and state the obvious. If that doesn’t work, you can always just lock him out and pretend it’s not your fault for dropping him on his head as a baby.

You should probably do exactly what it’s telling you to do. It’s got its stank eyes on you!

Dads new rule: eat the sandwich before it starts getting moldy. That’s your only option from now on.

Mom panicked after she found some girly girl glasses on the counter and left a note for her son. It would have been pretty cool if the first two ones were true.

Okay then, laundry it is! With a family of 5, you can get ungrounded in a matter of hours.

@callmerusty:

“Plot twist: laundry is worth 100pts because they can only use a washboard and clothesline.”

Dang, your mom must really want some grandbabies! Why else would she go to all the trouble of bribing you with cold fridge dinner?

P.S. Don’t use that. It’s a trap.

Well, now you have enough coffee creamer to last a few months. Rocky Road doesn’t sound so bad in a cuppa joe.

Ewww, clean up your jock snot, yo! It makes it really hard for mom and dad to keep a straight face at the dinner table when they know that you’re always playing sick.

So, I found your candy stash. Now that i’ve gobbled up all your chocolate, you can finally go on a diet.

Yep, he has the lunch bag, snack bag, clean clothes, nagging mom, and books galore! If only he could stop being a mama’s boy.

The dishwasher is not the balding, middle-aged man named Brian. Duh!

Karin from Michigan writes:

“I found this note taped on the window above the sink after I left a cup on the counter rather than putting it in the dishwasher. I guess my dad thought this approach would be easier than yelling.”

I don’t think she’s a soup or salad person, either. Just pour milk on it and pretend it’s cereal.

You wanna go up against the big guns, little girl? Then you better start pulling some weight around here!

Well, get to it, Snappy! You weren’t given that snappy nickname just so you can mope around and feel sorry for yourself.