Parenthood can be a nasty, dirty, and quite stinky business as Jesse Mab-Phea Hill will tell you. Aside from the temper tantrums and not being able to have anything nice, one of the most unpleasant aspects of parenting is having to change diapers.
Hill was having an easy going dad day where he found some free time to surf the web on YouTube… or so he thought.
“So I was having a pretty good day. Dropped the boy off at school, worked out, let the dogs outside and began chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement,” he explained on Facebook. “Mayra was out teaching her workout class, Alessandra was sleeping in her room and the dogs were outside. I had the house to myself and I was taking full advantage of watching unimpeded YouTube videos.”
His laid-back afternoon quickly took a turn for the worse after he went to grab a piece of cake and came across a stinky smell.
“I decided I wanted a piece of the chocolate cake we made for Jesse’s Cub Scout thing the other day, so I made my way up to the main floor,” he explains. “As I’m going upstairs I smell something foul. I scan the basement from the stairs thinking the dogs dropped a deuce before I let them outside. I see nothing….. And then my blood runs cold when I realize the stink is coming from the upper floor.”
It wasn’t long before he realized what was happening.
He ran into his daughter’s room to encounter a horrific scene straight out of a parent’s worst nightmare.
“I run up the stairs screaming ‘no, no, no, no,’ till I get to Alessandra’s room.
There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap,” he says setting the scene. “I’m not talking a little poop here and there on her. I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face, and HAIR. It’s bad. It’s worse than any other time she decided to explore in her diaper.”
The scene was so cringeworthy that Hill wanted to flee.
But as a good father and husband, he knew he could not. But he wasn’t happy about it. Not one bit.
“I was tempted to close her door, wait till Mayra got home and pretend like I was sleep so she would have to deal with it. But yesterday was Mexican Mother’s Day and I didn’t want to be a dick,” he explained. “There is literally no good place to pick my daughter up to get her to the bath, so I just knock the baby gate over so she can walk out on her own terms. Instead of walking out of her room she smiles up at me and extends her arms for me to pick her up. I yell ‘Hell No.’ After a brief stare off she walks out of her room, pass me and heads down the stairs.”
Hill had no choice but to grab up his daughter to prevent her from smearing more feces everywhere.
Afterall, he would be the one to have to clean it up.
“At this point I’m forced to pick her up because the bath wasn’t downstairs. I use 2 fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits and I shuffle the 2 of us off to the bathroom,” he explains. “The whole time she’s in the tub she tries to touch me with her shit covered hands and I scream like a pre-pubecent girl and dodge her. After 20 minutes I pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.”
Hill’s description of his harrowing experience is just beyond hilarious.
“Now it’s time to step foot in her room,” he continues. “Mind you I haven’t even looked in her room yet because when I first got to her room Alessandra was standing there like a shit covered bridge troll. I thought she had pooped in her diaper and got it on herself. But it was so much worse. I walk in her room slowly and am greeted with a scene straight out of a German fetish dream.”
The cleanup would not be an easy one.
“Everything on the right side of the room is covered in steaming baby crap. The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap,” Hill describes. “It looked like a real category 5 shit storm blew thru her room. Hurricane Shitrina if you will. I have no clue where to start. So I call Mayra.”
He, of course, calls his wife and he decides whether or not to just set his home on fire.
“She’s on her way back home and I’m on my way to lighting the house on fire. I won’t get into any more graphic details but 2 rolls of paper towels, 5 stolen gym towels, 1 bottle of Pinesole, 1 bottle of bleach, 1 big bag of crap covered toys and 2 1/2 hours later her room still smells like a dumpster fire,” he explains. “I swear I do everything I can to show these kids I love them but they turn on me when I least expect it. Alessandra is my favorite daughter but my 2nd favorite kid right now.”
Thankfully, Hill got through it and that terrible day served as a lot of laughs for a lot of parents. His post went viral and was shared more than 116,000 times.
“Anyway, I write these trials and tribulations of mine to not only do my part to spread written contraception and to strike fear into the hearts of new parents but also to remind myself that no matter what I’m going thru, at least I’m not cleaning hot baby crap out of the gears of my daughter’s playset again. Enjoy the pictures. #kidsaretheworst”
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