The longest-married couple in the world celebrated their 86th wedding anniversary in 2010. Married in 1924, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher were together for almost nine decades before passing away in 2011 and 2013, respectively. Herbert died a few months before their 87th anniversary at the age of 105.
Most of us can’t fathom living that long, much less spending a lifetime with someone — anyone. One can imagine that by the time Herbert Fisher passed away, they could barely remember what it was like not to have each other.
So, what was their big secret? It turned out, the Fishers didn’t have one. As they said, they were best friends before they fell in love. Then they spent more than eight decades taking care of and doing what was best for one another.
It was a challenging road, but they had a lifetime of happiness together. And many of us envy that.
While most of us won’t be lucky enough to experience 87 years of marriage, there’s a good chance we’ll be with our partner for many years. How do you achieve a happy marriage for decades? Here’s the secret from 70 couples who’ve been married for more than 50 years.
1. Let them know you’re thinking about them
Sure, your spouse knows they cross your mind. But it’s important to let them know, even if it’s just a text during the busy day, that says, “I can’t wait to see you.”
Marriage is a big commitment. You have to go into it for one reason: because you love the person. You can’t get married because of pressure from family or a fear of being single.
It would be nice if life were a fairy tale, but that’s not the way it works. When you get married, make sure it’s to someone you can weather all the bumps of life with — from big things like illness to little things like doing the dishes.
In other words, don’t be so consumed with what you want to say that you steamroll over what your spouse has to say. This goes for normal conversation as well as arguments. Let them know you’re listening.
Like any relationship, love is complicated. You’ll feel differently toward your spouse on a daily basis: frustration, peace, comfort, friendship, anger, and irritation. You won’t always feel like you’re on cloud nine, and that’s okay.
If you view your spouse as your other half, you should treat them with respect without condition. This even applies during fights. Remembering this will help you avoid getting vicious during arguments and saying things you’ll regret.
Margaret Rose and Lt. Col. Azad Husnian for Southern Living
Some people have the tendency to view their spouse as a fixer-upper, but this is a recipe for disaster. Don’t marry someone you want to change. Instead, accept them exactly as they are.
Make it a rule to talk about everything…the easy stuff and the hard stuff. That means communicating about your feelings, your mental health, your sexual interests, and more. Opening the lines of communication helps you serve one another and feel served.
Make it a rule not to keep secrets from one another. Sometimes, people hide things for fear of making their spouse sorry. But it’s better to be on the same page about everything, both big and small.
This is actually an exercise that many marriage counselors use. Every now and then, take a few moments to imagine what your life would be like without your spouse. It may open your eyes to a new perspective.
We’ve all seen couples who can be described as codependent — they have no identity outside their relationship. But it’s important to spend time pursuing and developing your own interests and hobbies.
A married couple is a team, so it’s important they find ways to agree when possible — or else compromise. The easiest way to do this is to commit to seeing things through an “us” rather than a “me” lens.
Every couple fights and sometimes, intensely. But it’s important to learn to fight the right way. That means not dredging up past fights or attacking your spouse’s character. Instead, fight constructively to solve the problem.
When you’re together for a long time, you’ll have moments when you need to apologize and forgive. This isn’t just for big things, but also for little things. Learn to forgive and move on as soon as possible.
Physical affection is so much more than just sex. Don’t forget to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, and put your arms around your spouse. It might seem silly, but it’s an important element of a relationship that can be easy to forget, especially on busy days.
Because life can get crazy, it’s important to prioritize the little things that keep you connected. That might be having a cup of coffee together in the morning or making sure to always eat dinner together so you can talk about your day.
Love will get you through anything — that much is true. But life has many practical parts and it’s important to outline the “rules” of your life together. That can include everything from who does what chores to what your expectations are.
When you get married, you and your spouse hope to be beside one another for the rest of your lives. That means you should brace for the good and bad times, knowing they’ll come.
Spend a few moments together at the end of the day to talk about your day and what’s on your mind. Even if it’s just for a moment or two, it’s important to do before going to bed.
Not everyone is into flowers and poems, but you can find unique ways to be romantic. That might mean dancing spontaneously in the kitchen or surprising your loved one with a night out. There’s no reason to let the romance fade as your relationship grows older.
Your spouse’s interests and hobbies will change over time. Be open to experiencing new things with them, even if it’s not always your cup of tea. You may discover something you enjoy together.
Make it a priority to regularly spend time together. It doesn’t always have to be a date night. You can go for a walk, do a puzzle, or just make dinner together and talk.
No one wants to talk about the unpleasant aspects of a relationship, but you can’t avoid them. Talk about the things you consider dealbreakers, such as alcohol abuse or infidelity.
As time rolls on, you can easily forget all the early moments of your relationship. Reminisce about them together: the day you met, your first date, your first kiss, and everything you felt.
26. Let them know that you love, appreciate, and want them
You might know you love your partner, but you have to communicate that to them. It’s important for both people in a relationship to feel loved, appreciated, and wanted.
Many relationships start out with two people being friends before falling in love. It’s important to nurture a friendship throughout your life and enjoy spending time together in non-romantic ways.
Not only is it important to develop individual hobbies and interests, but you should also take time to nurture your friendships. Your spouse should be your friend, but not your only one.
The simple truth of life is that you never know what’ll happen. Take the time to treasure each moment, even the ordinary ones. They might be more important than you think.
Benny DeWitt and Joyce Smith Speares for Southern Living
It can be easy to get lost in worry about your relationship and overanalyze every imperfection. But all relationships have faults. Don’t exhaust yourself looking for a reason to end it.
Having a sexual relationship is important, but it’s not the only kind of physical or emotional intimacy. Take the time to be intimate in other ways…physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Self-care isn’t just vital to individual mental health but also as a couple. Take the time to relax together, whether that’s taking a walk, enjoying a bath, or spending a lazy afternoon reading.
Between work, children, and other responsibilities, life gets hectic. It can be difficult to find time for one another. Make it a priority to spend time together every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
Date night out at a fancy restaurant is fun, but it’s not the only dating option. Turn everything into a special time together, even going to the grocery store.
Many couples talk about how, after many years together, they still surprise one another. This doesn’t have to be anything big (although that’s fun, too). Sometimes, it’s something simple, like buying them an inexpensive gift just because you were thinking of them.
Sex can be awkward to talk about. But it’s an important part of any healthy relationship, which means you also need to communicate about it. You need to discuss your likes and dislikes, even if they change.
Money troubles happen to almost every couple at one point or another. It’s essential to sit down and talk about budgeting, even if it’s not a fun part of a relationship.
It’s not enough to know you’re thankful for your spouse. Take the time to regularly let them know. That includes acknowledging the work they do and the sacrifices they make for your family.
If possible, surround yourself with people who are positive and encouraging to both of you. Make good friends. Keep family close, as long as they’re supportive and helpful.
Life is full of ups and downs. A good sense of humor can keep you swimming through it. That includes being able to laugh at yourself and even your relationship.
It’s easy for fights to escalate to the point that you don’t even know what you’re fighting about in the first place. If you start to feel so angry that you worry you’ll lose control or say something vicious, it’s okay to walk away for a little bit until you’re calmer.
You often hear the opposite: “Never go to bed angry.” But the truth is when you’re exhausted from staying up all night fighting, things will only escalate trying to solve the issue. Sometimes, all you need is a good night’s sleep and the new morning’s perspective.
Having friends to confide in is important, but never badmouth your spouse. The two of you are a team. So, you should never embarrass them or publicize their faults needlessly.
They say when you get married you don’t just marry the person, but also their family. This is true to a degree. But in the end, it’s just you and your spouse. Don’t let the demands or pressure of your families harm your relationship.
Forgiveness is a vital part of having a healthy marriage. But apologizing is equally important. Learn to recognize your faults and apologize sincerely without putting blame on your spouse.
Some of us have a tendency to wonder if the grass is greener — what if we had married someone else or stayed single? But if you love your spouse, the what-ifs don’t matter. Don’t focus on what could’ve been.
Talking is a wonderful part of a relationship, but also it’s important to have fun together. Find something that interests both of you and try to enjoy the activity together.
50. Don’t assume you need to have all the same interests
Sharing interests also goes the other way: you don’t need to enjoy all the same things. It’s okay if your spouse has hobbies that aren’t up your alley. Support them in their interests but let them know it’s not something you share.
Many people don’t like the idea of marriage counseling because they think seeing an expert means their relationship is doomed. But couples see counselors for all sorts of reasons. A professional can teach you how to fight more constructively or even help you sort out specific problems.
52. Know that a successful marriage is made of many things
There’s no single secret to having a successful marriage. Life and love are complicated and every couple is different. Successful marriages are a result of imperfect people working hard and doing their best to love one another.
When you decide to share your life with someone, your relationship is going to be challenged. You’ll have times when things don’t feel perfect. During those, keep the love alive by working as a team.
Donna Hyder and Richard Rogers for Southern Living
Take the time to nurture your relationship. Think of it as a plant that needs watering and sunlight. That means communicating, spending time together, and being romantic.
You’ll never meet a couple, no matter how happy, that hasn’t had their share of arguments. Fights will happen — sometimes, they’re big ones. Expect it and learn to argue in a way that’s constructive, not destructive.
You might think everyday things like the dishes aren’t important in a marriage, but being on different pages about chores and errands can lead to fights. Sit down and work out responsibilities. That way, neither of you feels overwhelmed.
You might not always have the same interests or goals, and that’s okay. But even when they differ, always support your spouse. Your approval is important to them.
58. Don’t miss the present for thinking about the future
Life is complicated and frightening. That means that sometimes, it’s easy to lose yourself worrying about what’ll happen in the future. But worrying about finances, sickness, death, and other topics might make you miss the good things in the present.
Consistently take care of one another but without conditions attached. Marriage isn’t a barter system. The key is to care for one another out of love and respect.
One of the biggest challenges couples face is learning to communicate openly and honestly. Don’t be afraid to tell your spouse what you need, even if it’s just a hug.
Someone else’s marriage might look perfect from the outside, but every couple has their challenges — no exceptions. Don’t compare what you and your spouse have to anyone else.
Don’t neglect yourself. Make sure you practice self-care as much as possible, whether that means pursuing a personal interest or just making sure you’ve showered. A healthy marriage involves two healthy individuals.
There’s a lot that goes into forming common goals with your spouse — communication, shared interests, and even budgeting. It’s important to talk about the big goals so you can be on the same page. That’ll make working together more successful.
It’s important to always kiss one another goodnight, even if you’re in the middle of a fight. As one couple said, you never know what the night or the next day will bring.
Life is hard, but it’s also funny, weird, exciting. Laugh together as much as possible and keep a sense of humor about your relationship. Laugh during both the good and the bad times.
Practice being patient with your spouse in the little things. It’ll help you be patient with them when dealing with their flaws. Both of you will need a lot of patience over the years.
Don’t worry about the little things like the daily frustrations that can distract you. In the overall scheme of life, they’re not a big deal. So, don’t let them get in the way of your happiness.
68. Learn that you don’t have to agree on everything
While a good marriage is based on some shared beliefs, opposites attract for a reason. You’re not going to be on the same page about everything, and that’s okay.
Ultimately, marriage is about being on one team — the team of “us.” If you hold on to that, it’ll help you weather the challenges, fights, and everything else life throws at you.
70 Couples who have been married for 50 or more years share their best advice
Cedric Jackson
01.06.20
The longest-married couple in the world celebrated their 86th wedding anniversary in 2010. Married in 1924, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher were together for almost nine decades before passing away in 2011 and 2013, respectively. Herbert died a few months before their 87th anniversary at the age of 105.
Most of us can’t fathom living that long, much less spending a lifetime with someone — anyone. One can imagine that by the time Herbert Fisher passed away, they could barely remember what it was like not to have each other.
So, what was their big secret? It turned out, the Fishers didn’t have one. As they said, they were best friends before they fell in love. Then they spent more than eight decades taking care of and doing what was best for one another.
It was a challenging road, but they had a lifetime of happiness together. And many of us envy that.
While most of us won’t be lucky enough to experience 87 years of marriage, there’s a good chance we’ll be with our partner for many years. How do you achieve a happy marriage for decades? Here’s the secret from 70 couples who’ve been married for more than 50 years.
