The longest-married couple in the world celebrated their 86th wedding anniversary in 2010. Married in 1924, Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher were together for almost nine decades before passing away in 2011 and 2013, respectively. Herbert died a few months before their 87th anniversary at the age of 105.
Most of us canโt fathom living that long, much less spending a lifetime with someone โ anyone. One can imagine that by the time Herbert Fisher passed away, they could barely remember what it was like not to have each other.
So, what was their big secret? It turned out, the Fishers didnโt have one. As they said, they were best friends before they fell in love. Then they spent more than eight decades taking care of and doing what was best for one another.
It was a challenging road, but they had a lifetime of happiness together. And many of us envy that.
While most of us wonโt be lucky enough to experience 87 years of marriage, thereโs a good chance weโll be with our partner for many years. How do you achieve a happy marriage for decades? Hereโs the secret from 70 couples whoโve been married for more than 50 years.
1. Let them know youโre thinking about them
Sure, your spouse knows they cross your mind. But itโs important to let them know, even if itโs just a text during the busy day, that says, โI canโt wait to see you.โ
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Pexels/Kaboompics.com
2. Get married for the right reasons
Marriage is a big commitment. You have to go into it for one reason: because you love the person. You canโt get married because of pressure from family or a fear of being single.
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Flickr/Catriona Sparks
3. Have realistic expectations
It would be nice if life were a fairy tale, but thatโs not the way it works. When you get married, make sure itโs to someone you can weather all the bumps of life with โ from big things like illness to little things like doing the dishes.
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Pexels/Tan Danh
4. Let them talk first
In other words, donโt be so consumed with what you want to say that you steamroll over what your spouse has to say. This goes for normal conversation as well as arguments. Let them know youโre listening.
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Pexels/Burst
5. Donโt expect to feel in love every day
Like any relationship, love is complicated. Youโll feel differently toward your spouse on a daily basis: frustration, peace, comfort, friendship, anger, and irritation. You wonโt always feel like youโre on cloud nine, and thatโs okay.
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Pexels/Andre Furtado
6. Respect one another unconditionally
If you view your spouse as your other half, you should treat them with respect without condition. This even applies during fights. Remembering this will help you avoid getting vicious during arguments and saying things youโll regret.
Source:
Margaret Rose and Lt. Col. Azad Husnian for Southern Living
7. Love them where they are
Some people have the tendency to view their spouse as a fixer-upper, but this is a recipe for disaster. Donโt marry someone you want to change. Instead, accept them exactly as they are.
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Unsplash/Duโoโng Huu
8. Be open about everything
Make it a rule to talk about everythingโฆthe easy stuff and the hard stuff. That means communicating about your feelings, your mental health, your sexual interests, and more. Opening the lines of communication helps you serve one another and feel served.
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Pixabay/mirceaianc
9. Donโt keep secrets
Make it a rule not to keep secrets from one another. Sometimes, people hide things for fear of making their spouse sorry. But itโs better to be on the same page about everything, both big and small.
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Pixabay/27707
10. Think about life without them
This is actually an exercise that many marriage counselors use. Every now and then, take a few moments to imagine what your life would be like without your spouse. It may open your eyes to a new perspective.
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Flickr/Brooke
11. Invest in yourself as an individual
Weโve all seen couples who can be described as codependent โ they have no identity outside their relationship. But itโs important to spend time pursuing and developing your own interests and hobbies.
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Pixabay/lograstudio
12. Embrace change
When you marry someone, you know theyโre going to change over the years. Not just physicallyโฆbut perhaps politics, faith, interests, and goals.
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Unsplash/Esther Ann
13. Compromise
A married couple is a team, so itโs important they find ways to agree when possible โ or else compromise. The easiest way to do this is to commit to seeing things through an โusโ rather than a โmeโ lens.
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Ray and Joan Day for Southern Living
14. Fight the right way
Every couple fights and sometimes, intensely. But itโs important to learn to fight the right way. That means not dredging up past fights or attacking your spouseโs character. Instead, fight constructively to solve the problem.
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Leon Brown and Elsie Marine Robinson
15. Forgive
When youโre together for a long time, youโll have moments when you need to apologize and forgive. This isnโt just for big things, but also for little things. Learn to forgive and move on as soon as possible.
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Unsplash/taylor hernandez
16. Prioritize physical affection
Physical affection is so much more than just sex. Donโt forget to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, and put your arms around your spouse. It might seem silly, but itโs an important element of a relationship that can be easy to forget, especially on busy days.
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Tumblr/Fresh Farmhouse
17. The little things are important
Because life can get crazy, itโs important to prioritize the little things that keep you connected. That might be having a cup of coffee together in the morning or making sure to always eat dinner together so you can talk about your day.
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Pexels/Pixabay
18. Create concrete rules
Love will get you through anything โ that much is true. But life has many practical parts and itโs important to outline the โrulesโ of your life together. That can include everything from who does what chores to what your expectations are.
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Flickr/A.Davey
19. Ride the wave of life together
When you get married, you and your spouse hope to be beside one another for the rest of your lives. That means you should brace for the good and bad times, knowing theyโll come.
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Flickr/Lloyd Wollstadt
20. Be on the same page at the end of the day
Spend a few moments together at the end of the day to talk about your day and whatโs on your mind. Even if itโs just for a moment or two, itโs important to do before going to bed.
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Michael and Susan Kelley for Southern Living
21. Be romantic
Not everyone is into flowers and poems, but you can find unique ways to be romantic. That might mean dancing spontaneously in the kitchen or surprising your loved one with a night out. Thereโs no reason to let the romance fade as your relationship grows older.
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Pexels/Hassan OUAJBIR
22. Be open to new things
Your spouseโs interests and hobbies will change over time. Be open to experiencing new things with them, even if itโs not always your cup of tea. You may discover something you enjoy together.
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Pexels/Dio Alif Utomo
23. Enjoy time together
Make it a priority to regularly spend time together. It doesnโt always have to be a date night. You can go for a walk, do a puzzle, or just make dinner together and talk.
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Pexels/Alois Moubax
24. Decide on dealbreakers and talk about them
No one wants to talk about the unpleasant aspects of a relationship, but you canโt avoid them. Talk about the things you consider dealbreakers, such as alcohol abuse or infidelity.
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Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez
25. Discuss the start of your relationship
As time rolls on, you can easily forget all the early moments of your relationship. Reminisce about them together: the day you met, your first date, your first kiss, and everything you felt.
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Flickr/Mr Lewis
26. Let them know that you love, appreciate, and want them
You might know you love your partner, but you have to communicate that to them. Itโs important for both people in a relationship to feel loved, appreciated, and wanted.
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Pexels/J carter
27. Be friends as well as romantic partners
Many relationships start out with two people being friends before falling in love. Itโs important to nurture a friendship throughout your life and enjoy spending time together in non-romantic ways.
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Pixabay/distel2610
28. Have a life outside your relationship
Not only is it important to develop individual hobbies and interests, but you should also take time to nurture your friendships. Your spouse should be your friend, but not your only one.
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Pixabay/Stocksnap
29. Enjoy every moment
The simple truth of life is that you never know whatโll happen. Take the time to treasure each moment, even the ordinary ones. They might be more important than you think.
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Benny DeWitt and Joyce Smith Speares for Southern Living
30. Donโt look for reasons to break up
It can be easy to get lost in worry about your relationship and overanalyze every imperfection. But all relationships have faults. Donโt exhaust yourself looking for a reason to end it.
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Unsplash/Anthony Tran
31. Find ways to be intimate that arenโt just sex
Having a sexual relationship is important, but itโs not the only kind of physical or emotional intimacy. Take the time to be intimate in other waysโฆphysically, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Vintage Everyday
32. Relax together
Self-care isnโt just vital to individual mental health but also as a couple. Take the time to relax together, whether thatโs taking a walk, enjoying a bath, or spending a lazy afternoon reading.
Source:
Vintage Everyday
33. Do small acts of kindness for each other
Small acts of kindness done daily show your partner youโre invested in their needs. Even more important than the act itself is the message it sends.
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Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez
34. Spend time together every day
Between work, children, and other responsibilities, life gets hectic. It can be difficult to find time for one another. Make it a priority to spend time together every day, even if itโs just for a few minutes.
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Unsplash/Toa Heftiba
35. Turn everything into a date
Date night out at a fancy restaurant is fun, but itโs not the only dating option. Turn everything into a special time together, even going to the grocery store.
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Pixabay/inkflo
36. Surprise each other
Many couples talk about how, after many years together, they still surprise one another. This doesnโt have to be anything big (although thatโs fun, too). Sometimes, itโs something simple, like buying them an inexpensive gift just because you were thinking of them.
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Vintage Everyday
37. Communicate about intimacy
Sex can be awkward to talk about. But itโs an important part of any healthy relationship, which means you also need to communicate about it. You need to discuss your likes and dislikes, even if they change.
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Tumblr/That Sentimental Feeling
38. Be on the same page with finances
Money troubles happen to almost every couple at one point or another. Itโs essential to sit down and talk about budgeting, even if itโs not a fun part of a relationship.
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Flickr/Walt Jabsco
39. Show gratitude
Itโs not enough to know youโre thankful for your spouse. Take the time to regularly let them know. That includes acknowledging the work they do and the sacrifices they make for your family.
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Vintage Everyday
40. Have a support system
If possible, surround yourself with people who are positive and encouraging to both of you. Make good friends. Keep family close, as long as theyโre supportive and helpful.
Source:
Bob and Jean Haynes for Southern Living
41. Maintain a sense of humor
Life is full of ups and downs. A good sense of humor can keep you swimming through it. That includes being able to laugh at yourself and even your relationship.
Source:
Joe and Ginny Solomon for Southern Living
42. Take a break during fights
Itโs easy for fights to escalate to the point that you donโt even know what youโre fighting about in the first place. If you start to feel so angry that you worry youโll lose control or say something vicious, itโs okay to walk away for a little bit until youโre calmer.
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Pexels/Pedro Sandrini
43. Itโs okay to go to bed angry
You often hear the opposite: โNever go to bed angry.โ But the truth is when youโre exhausted from staying up all night fighting, things will only escalate trying to solve the issue. Sometimes, all you need is a good nightโs sleep and the new morningโs perspective.
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Pixabay/keresi72
44. Donโt badmouth each other
Having friends to confide in is important, but never badmouth your spouse. The two of you are a team. So, you should never embarrass them or publicize their faults needlessly.
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Unsplash/Jordan Whitfield
45. Take time to have space
This doesnโt just apply to arguments. Itโs important to have some space regularly so you can explore your interests or simply have some alone time.
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Unsplash/Matese Fields
46. Thereโs only room for two in a marriage
They say when you get married you donโt just marry the person, but also their family. This is true to a degree. But in the end, itโs just you and your spouse. Donโt let the demands or pressure of your families harm your relationship.
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Flickr/Michael Charron-Plante
47. Learn how to apologize
Forgiveness is a vital part of having a healthy marriage. But apologizing is equally important. Learn to recognize your faults and apologize sincerely without putting blame on your spouse.
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Pixabay/cuncon
48. Donโt worry about the โWhat-ifsโ
Some of us have a tendency to wonder if the grass is greener โ what if we had married someone else or stayed single? But if you love your spouse, the what-ifs donโt matter. Donโt focus on what couldโve been.
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Unsplash/Umit Bulut
49. Find shared interests
Talking is a wonderful part of a relationship, but also itโs important to have fun together. Find something that interests both of you and try to enjoy the activity together.
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Vintage Everyday
50. Donโt assume you need to have all the same interests
Sharing interests also goes the other way: you donโt need to enjoy all the same things. Itโs okay if your spouse has hobbies that arenโt up your alley. Support them in their interests but let them know itโs not something you share.
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Pexels/Porapak Apichodilok
51. Donโt dismiss the idea of marriage counseling
Many people donโt like the idea of marriage counseling because they think seeing an expert means their relationship is doomed. But couples see counselors for all sorts of reasons. A professional can teach you how to fight more constructively or even help you sort out specific problems.
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Unsplash/Brook Cagle
52. Know that a successful marriage is made of many things
Thereโs no single secret to having a successful marriage. Life and love are complicated and every couple is different. Successful marriages are a result of imperfect people working hard and doing their best to love one another.
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James Mitchell for Southern Living
53. Learn that love takes work
When you decide to share your life with someone, your relationship is going to be challenged. Youโll have times when things donโt feel perfect. During those, keep the love alive by working as a team.
Source:
Donna Hyder and Richard Rogers for Southern Living
54. Invest in and nurture your relationship
Take the time to nurture your relationship. Think of it as a plant that needs watering and sunlight. That means communicating, spending time together, and being romantic.
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Vintage Everyday
55. Accept that fights will happen
Youโll never meet a couple, no matter how happy, that hasnโt had their share of arguments. Fights will happen โ sometimes, theyโre big ones. Expect it and learn to argue in a way thatโs constructive, not destructive.
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Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt
56. Be practical about day-to-day things
You might think everyday things like the dishes arenโt important in a marriage, but being on different pages about chores and errands can lead to fights. Sit down and work out responsibilities. That way, neither of you feels overwhelmed.
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Pexels/Lisa Fotios
57. Support one another
You might not always have the same interests or goals, and thatโs okay. But even when they differ, always support your spouse. Your approval is important to them.
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Flickr/Gareth Wonfor
58. Donโt miss the present for thinking about the future
Life is complicated and frightening. That means that sometimes, itโs easy to lose yourself worrying about whatโll happen in the future. But worrying about finances, sickness, death, and other topics might make you miss the good things in the present.
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Vintage Everyday
59. Serve one another without expectations
Consistently take care of one another but without conditions attached. Marriage isnโt a barter system. The key is to care for one another out of love and respect.
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Unsplash/Ben White
60. Communicate what you need
One of the biggest challenges couples face is learning to communicate openly and honestly. Donโt be afraid to tell your spouse what you need, even if itโs just a hug.
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Unsplash/Anthony Tran
61. Donโt compare your marriage to someone elseโs
Someone elseโs marriage might look perfect from the outside, but every couple has their challenges โ no exceptions. Donโt compare what you and your spouse have to anyone else.
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Flickr/Oscar De Mello
62. Take care of yourself
Donโt neglect yourself. Make sure you practice self-care as much as possible, whether that means pursuing a personal interest or just making sure youโve showered. A healthy marriage involves two healthy individuals.
Source:
Adele and Tom Pope for Southern Living
63. Work together toward common goals
Thereโs a lot that goes into forming common goals with your spouse โ communication, shared interests, and even budgeting. Itโs important to talk about the big goals so you can be on the same page. Thatโll make working together more successful.
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Unsplash/John-Mark Smith
64. Always kiss each one goodnight
Itโs important to always kiss one another goodnight, even if youโre in the middle of a fight. As one couple said, you never know what the night or the next day will bring.
Source:
Warren and Mattie Sanders for Southern Living
65. Laugh a lot
Life is hard, but itโs also funny, weird, exciting. Laugh together as much as possible and keep a sense of humor about your relationship. Laugh during both the good and the bad times.
Source:
Rudy and Letty Sagun for Southern Living
66. Be patient
Practice being patient with your spouse in the little things. Itโll help you be patient with them when dealing with their flaws. Both of you will need a lot of patience over the years.
Source:
Ann and Joe Yedowitz for Southern Living
67. Donโt sweat the small stuff
Donโt worry about the little things like the daily frustrations that can distract you. In the overall scheme of life, theyโre not a big deal. So, donโt let them get in the way of your happiness.
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Vintage Everyday
68. Learn that you donโt have to agree on everything
While a good marriage is based on some shared beliefs, opposites attract for a reason. Youโre not going to be on the same page about everything, and thatโs okay.
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Pixabay/sasint
69. Trust one another
There must be mutual trust in a healthy relationship. Share secrets and make sure your spouse knows they can always talk to you about anything.
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Kathleen Dies and Derek Seymour Munger for Southern Living
70. Remember youโre on the same team
Ultimately, marriage is about being on one team โ the team of โus.โ If you hold on to that, itโll help you weather the challenges, fights, and everything else life throws at you.
Source:
George and Alberta Jobczynski
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Source: Mark Manson, Best Life Online, Southern Living, Good Housekeeping
