Bathroom graffiti is sort of like the cursing sailor cousin of regular street artwork. There’s a lot of dirty jokes in there that lack artistic expression, and what does end up on the wall isn’t really acceptable anywhere else.
These potty poems and pictographs do, however, have one distinct advantage – there’s always a captivated audience that laps it up. After all, where else are people supposed to look when they’re drunk or bored, and trapped in a bathroom stall?
But, just when you’re so over all those “for a good time” phone numbers and stupid self-portraits of some guy’s taint, here are 75 examples of funny bathroom graffiti that will keep you totally entertained!
1) Be fearless and stinky, bruh!
Are you sick of those silly Stuart Smalley affirmations that say, “I am good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me?”
Well then, here you go. Check out this brand new kind of affirmation for us 21st century “woke AF” folks.
2) Quit talking about doing dad, mom!
Don’t you hate it when you find out the drunk ramblings written on the wall are actually from your mom? Back back home to dad!
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me ’cause I did your dad.”
3) “This is some graffiti on the ceiling of the bathroom of a local concert venue that I frequent.”
Awww shucks dude, that right there is enough to brighten anyone’s day!
But, just be wary if you spot a maintenance guy with a Sharpie and ladder – he’s probably jonesing for your Long Duk Dong specifically.
4) The war on drugs stops here.
For the love of all that’s sacred and holy, please go snort your dirty drugs at home where sewer rats haven’t wiped their butts on your nose candy tray. That’s how you gets toilet cooties!
5) There’s both a right and wrong way to poop.
The wrong way is doing it in your pants before you get the chance to pull them down. And when that happens, prepare to do some soul searching while you wait for your friend to bring you a clean pair of pants.
6) Yea baby, look at that schwing!
Bet you’ve never seen anything like this before. Don’t act like you aren’t impressed with the gonzo-sized metal piercing covering up this guy’s sorry excuse full-frontal jheri curls!
7) Can I get mine with candy corn?
Guess what, every bathroom in the world is equipped to make puddin’ pops. So don’t feel bad if you don’t see Bill Cosby peddling his leery smirk in your bathroom stall.
8) It’s all about the burrito
When life is so short that you find yourself frantically scribbling your final words of advice on a bathroom wall, please remember to pet a burrito.
Or was that supposed to be ‘eat’ a burrito? Either way, life can be summed up in burritos.
Does your everlasting soul need saving from all the WWJD fanboys out there? Then ask yourself if vandalizing the hell out of the crapper is something Jesus would agree was worth getting crucified for.
Yeah, but what if your wife actually IS the strange black lady with the knife? Are you allowed to fantasize about a white crack whore with a two syringes and a rubber hose?
11) Meanwhile, in the girls bathroom…
It really doesn’t matter which puppet master you decide to bow down to. It’s the quality of the threads you’re being controlled with that counts, and in this case, satin rulez b*tches!
12) “Are you John Connor?
ACT 3, MEN’S BATHROOM
Cue famous Spartacus scene. Everyone stands up to pee in unison while saying: I am John Connor!
Toilet flushes, Terminator is now gone with the poop.
The end.
13) “Found this bagel graffiti in the bathroom of my university’s chem building”
Try ordering some butt-hole bread with a schmear of cream cheese the next time you pop into the bagel shop. It’s okay, they’ll totally get you.
“I want to be your friend.”
14) Motivational Monday’s are brutal
Geez, calm down your Grand Tetons and just wait for it! Dropping stinky bombs is a delicate art that requires a lot of patience and fiber. Your time will come to pass.
Take it easy and have a pee, my friend. If you happen to hear some splish-splash sound effects, don’t worry ’cause it’s totally natural, boo!
16) Band of Butt-Cheek Brothers
We are all connected by toilet seats and butt-cheeks, brother. It’s kind of like getting sloppy seconds, but way worse because this is how you get butt zits.
17) This strange fetish of his…
He has a stiffy for learning what? How to wipe? Flush?
Or maybe it’s for…
“I have a hardon for learning.”
18) How to always love your hooch!
This self-help guru wants to encourage you to always put yourself first. Because if you give up, then who else is going to push your buttons?
19) Mirror, mirror, where you used to be on the wall…
Dang girl, you look beautiful! Or wait, maybe not, ’cause that’s some hardcore ugly coming out of that potty mouth.
“F*ck you this is not tumblr! We need this f*cking mirror!”
20) Get straight to the point, then GTFO!
Do the like the nice man says. Take a dump and leave, pretty please!
21) “Bathroom graffiti…or flawless logic?”
From the annals of the late, great Deshartes comes this circular poop for thought.
“I think, therefore I poop. I poop, therefore I think.”
Yep, you’re a philosophical sh*t head all right!
22) Because pizza is people
Stop being such a useless piece of leftover crust! Be the full-on supreme pizza that we all came here to this planet to be.
23) Well this is good news, right?
Check it out, there’s a glory hole that’s going to be, uh, coming soon! Can’t wait for the fireworks to shoot off at the grand opening celebrations.
24) He poured Capri Sun into a glass once.
Folks, this is how the unhealthy sickness starts. Next thing you know, he’s gonna be “drinkin’ the Kool-Aid” at a jungle commune with 900 other people!
25) A letter to the people of the wrong door
When this guy accidentally found himself in the women’s bathroom, he wrote an angry letter on the wall. Not only was it just too clean, but there were a whole host of other problems too.
“I’m worried about getting glitter all over myself, and can’t stop thinking about Mariah Carey. I don’t deserve this. It’s not what I expected. I’m never coming back. Also, I didn’t pee on the toilet seat, so sit on it!”
Sincerely, The Wrong Door
26) When fat shaming gets dumped on
The last place you want to get fat shamed is in the bathroom, but that’s what someone did when they wrote this on the wall:
“You’ve got to lose weight if you want to find love.”
Not true! Guys like Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo loves chicks with dimples and curves.
“Unless they love your lumps.”
Now, the stench is another problem altogether. Better go catch yourself a fly boy for that!
27) The Chamber of Secrets is never more than one flush away
There’s magic everywhere you look! And if it’s not in your bathroom stall, then it’s probably in the stall right next to you.
28) Oops, that’s not the Chamber of Secrets
That’s okay, you can just head on over to the Ministry of Magic instead. Just hold your nose when you dive in, and whatever you do, don’t peek!
29) A spiritual guru’s guide to relieving constipation karma
Just calm your mind and just focus on the present moment. Now, take one deep letting-go breath, and then imagine that you’re poopin’!
30) B + B = Hearts 4Ever!
Awww, would you look at that. Romance isn’t dead after all! It’s just hiding in the one place no one expect to find it.
“What a romantic place to declare your love. But your relationship is the sh*t!”
31) Does that taste anything like chicken and waffles?
Bet you never thought you’d ever find food for thought in a random verse of toilet poetry. Kinda makes you hungry for some fish turds and fried horse biscuits, though, doesn’t it?
32) Today’s nice guy to-do list
Well, this one is super easy to knock out of the park. Make sure all the floaters get flushed down the toilet, and the next person will thank you.
“Today: do something selfless for someone else and make a small difference in the world.”
Done (with some Nazi spellcheck)!
33) Can’t we all just be happy?
Can’t we just do the hipppy dippy 60’s thing and “love one another?”
Of course we can, sweetie! But please…
“Just not here.”
34) Beware of the Limbo Champion of the world!
This dude is totally right. You never know when Limbo Champ is going to bend over backwards just to get a peekaboo at you!
35) 1-star advice from toilet stall dad
Hey you. Yeah you! Don’t text your ex and share what you’ve been up to for the last 5 minutes. That’s not how you get the girl!
36) It’s what every Spongebob Queen fan wants to know!
Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Or maybe this is the Krusty Krab?
“No, this is Patrick!”
37) The nicest “yo mama” insult ever!
For a good time call…no wait, scratch that. Just call your mom!
“She’s a great lady and she misses you. She wants to hear from you to make sure you’re safe.”
Isn’t this how all stinky, crappy relationships start – and end? “Broken-hearted, trying to let go of piece of sh*t. But, it keeps finding its way back into my pants. Will u help break the cycle of broken hearts…and sharts?”
“Here I sit, broken hearted, came to sh*t but only farted. Later on I took my chance, came to fart but sh*t my pants.”
39) Aliens. It’s always aliens!
Like Tina Turner says, what’s love got to do with it? If you don’t understand something and it’s way over your head, then it’s definitely a UFO.
Who knew? Billionaire Bill Gates uses public toilets just like the rest of us! But instead of giving us an update he’s doing a download.
41) Sisterhood of the Traveling Sharpies In Their Pants
Tally: who poops with markers? Count ’em, there’s five sistas who travel with a standard black Sharpie in their pants. And then we have the rebel princess in blue coming in at number six!
42) Don’t fear the noisy poop reaper
We all poop out loud, so no one is going to judge you while you’re behind closed doors. Just make sure you haul ass out of the bathroom stall before anyone an put a face to all those crazy sounds!
43) Hey, it’s the perfect place to have a serious discussion about…art
Just what is this thing called graffiti, exactly? And how does bathroom graffiti differ from it’s more artistically flourishing street cousin? Discuss!
“Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, it is the purest form of graffiti.”
44) “Mr. Feeny seems like a good teacher… Or perhaps a random weirdo who quotes himself, not sure.”
Mr. Feeny is the teacher we all should’ve had growing up! Here’s one of his greatest gems:
“If you let other’s perception of you dictate your behavior, you will never grow as a person.” – Mr. Feeny
45) You’ve got the power! Snap!
Guess what, it turns out that all the hoochies from high school were right. All your power does come from between your legs!
“If you ever feel powerless just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.”
46) Good advice from Obiwan Kenobi
Don’t use the Force, Luke! A Jedi must know when to just let go.
This haiku master knows what he’s talking about.
“Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.”
48) Don’t waste money on college tuition, just pull on this.
Yep, it turns out that what you’ve suspected all along is actually true. That arts degree is pure bunk!
49) “That’s when you just draw a d*ck instead”
Huh, so that’s why people keep bring their franks and beans to the table. It’s because they don’t have anything better to contribute!
“I was going to write something profound but I realized I have nothing profound to say.”
50) The answer the burning question none of us never knew to even ask
Want to know the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Are you ready for it?
“One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.” – me
51) This guy really knows how to deliver potty prose
He has a lot of experience with hail, wind, snow, and rain. Could he possibly be your local mailman?
“To deliver my prose I work in vain, for little reward or financial gain, through hail & wind & snow & rain, the netty poet strikes again!”
52) “Graffiti game on point”
Taylor Swift, is that you? Hatin’ on ‘tate now are you?
53) There’s always the optimistic realist in the bunch
The next time they forget to put your lite ranch dressing on the side instead of on top of the salad, just remember, none of this matters. Just be fat and happy!
“Just remember that none of this matters and that we will all end up dying alone anyways, so be happy while you can.”
54) “On a hand dryer at small bar in FL”
More guys would probably wash their hands if there good incentives in the bathroom like this! And it’s totally intuitive too – all they have to do is squeeze a couple of times to release the hot air from the balloons.
55) Some good words to live by
Don’t give up just yet! As long as there’s a single mofo left on this planet that needs to be proven wrong, your job isn’t done yet.
56) “Loading. Please wait.”
Um, shouldn’t that say UN-loading? Someone better call tech support quick before your pipes really get stuck!
57) “Would pee here again.”
Hey, it was bound to happen sooner or later. We now have Yelp reviews of bathroom stalls!
But the real question is, what has to happen here for a stall to earn a 5-star rating?
“You know.”
58) “Has OSHA gone too far?”
The porta-potty wars have begun! That’s because workers are required to keep track of all logs dropped by color, size, and time spent in the loo.
“ATTENTION: please be sure to report any and all diarrhea related incidents to OSHATURDWATCH.ORG”
59) Someone must’ve had a really bad time here
PSA announcement – read the sign before you go inside. If says “bar” or “comedy club” you better run!
“This place is NOT a dive bar…it’s a douchebag bar!”
60) Hey, joke’s on you buddy
No really, the joke is literally right there in your hand! Question is, how big of a joke do other people think it is?
“Why are u looking up here, this joke is in your hand.”
61) “Rate your sh*t with a movie title!”
Put your poop into a starring role by giving it the same title as a Hollywood flick.
Is what comes out of your butt truly horrific?
“SCREAM! The Blob”
Perhaps it’s more like a good Sci-fi?
“The Terminator.”
Or maybe your big brown logs are overly dramatic?
“Forest Dump. The Dark Knight. Castaway. The Departed”
Some have probably seen a lot of action!
“Bad Boys. The Fast and the Furious. Black Hawk Down.”
62) “Say perhaps to drugs”
This is great advice for those who don’t want to get trapped in between a gang and a hard place. And it also saves you from looking like a straight-edge, Nancy Reagan mama’s boy.
63) The toilet gods have spoken
Everyone is always taking a dump on them for a reason. No one loves you, Crocs, so please go away!
“I love your Crocs” – Nobody
64) “On the back of the bathroom door in a bar in Brooklyn.”
Don’t hang your coat or purse on drunk octopus. That’ll just give him one more reason to give you 8 middle fingers and a challenge to duel!
“Drunk octopus wants to fight you!”
65) Every bathroom should have one of these
Protecto the Toilet Ninja wants you to know that your butt cheeks will always be protected so long as you you use these paper-thin toilet seat condoms. Otherwise, be prepared to fight off an army of invisible crabs and toilet cooties!
66) For a good time, press play!
Bathroom hookups have gone high tech! First, hit the record button, and talk into the microphone and tell everyone your name, where you come from, and what kind of poop you’re looking for in a person. Then everyone else will be able to play it back and laugh!
“Record. Talk here. Play.”
67) Physics major throwing some shade at “law of attraction” fanatics
People who believe in the “law of attraction” will tell you that since like attracts like, you should only think about the good things.
“Don’t focus on the negative, you’ll only attract more of it.”
But, someone kindly pointed out that metaphysics isn’t the same as real physics.
“Obviously you failed physics, negative attracts positive.”
68) Sassy sh*t only farmers say
This little nugget of wisdom obviously came from a failed farmer. Or maybe someone who really likes to juice celery. Either way, now you know everything you never wanted to know about farmers…and celery.
“Those who can’t farm, farm celery.”
69) That’s so disgusting!
What’s the most disgusting thing you can ever come across in a public restroom? Comic Sans, you fool!
“Sometimes when I’m alone I use Comic Sans.”
70) “Life’s too short to live unhappy.”
This is how it all starts. First you start talking to walls, then you start listening to what it actually has to say.
“Shut up, since when do I listen to walls.”
The wall’s response:
“Probably around the same time you started talking to them.”
71) “Starving college student’s bathroom graffiti. Felt like a creep giggling on the toilet.”
Have you ever been afflicted with “asparagus pee” after eating too much of the leafy green stalks? Well, ramen noodles can do that to you too, but with chicken flavoring.
“I should not eat so much ramen. I can smell chicken flavoring when I pee.”
72) Sometimes the joke is a visual gag
This guy started to write something profound, but then he was interrupted by Star Trek midway while doing #2. All that’s left of him is the Sharpie marking his journey straight up the wall.
“Don’t beam me up Scotty, I’m taking a sh…”
73) Lorax speaks for TP’s everywhere
Not all graffiti is crude and disgusting. Some of it speaks out against using trees to wipe our cornholio.
“You cut down dis tree?”
74) Now here’s some random thoughts that will really scare you
You’ll never want to eat bananas again after you get this into your head. Some people just have to go and ruin it for everyone!
“You know those black bits on bananas, are they really tarantulas’ eggs?”
Probably.
75) Proof that great minds don’t think alike!
From ramblings like, “My greatest fear is bathroom graffiti” to “I just want to pee in peace,” these great minds are totally at odds.
Except for this guy, who has all his taters together.
“I can count to potato.”
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