Need something that’ll get you giggling and in the mood for some Christmas cheer? Then pay heed to these snarky boyfriends and husbands.
They really know how to deliver quality comedy with these 75 sneaky boomer jokes, dad jokes, and all-around stupid jokes that keep their significant others laughing.
1. “My wife is pregnant, and we did a maternity shoot.”
2. Henpecked husband in Home Alone for grownups
“My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead, I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.”
3. Zoom bombing, sneaky husband style
“My husband has a new quarantine hobby of Zoom bombing my conference calls. The colleagues I’m meeting with always see him before I do. Never a dull moment in this household! #zoombombing #quarantine”
4. Bursting with ultrasound envy!
“When my wife had an ultrasound for our first child I took a photo of the print out so she could send to friends and family on what’s app. Instead I sent her this xenomorph image and she sent it to everyone before realising what it was. She was not amused.”
5. She’s the best sister ever
6. Super Mario Bros. style
7. It’s an occasion that deserves to be honored
“My buddy’s girlfriend farted in front of him for the first time. He got a cake for the occasion.”
8. “Sometimes I text my wife the motivational quotes from her tampons when she has her period to try and cheer her up.”
@Krazy Kanuk:
“Use the Flow luke, use the flow…”
9. “Dad bought mom a new mask”
@DudleyMcDuderson:
“Looks like she about to drop a 20-minute guitar solo, and maybe some acid.”
10. This is what he sends his wife when she asks if their son is okay.
11. When hubby be stirrin’ up some drama
12. She asked her husband for a Kleenix.
13. “My boyfriend woke me up and made me take this photo.”
14. Evolution of woman, according to an Animorphs fanboy
This is pure perfection. Does anyone remember Animorphs?
15. Model boyfriend
16. True love, dad-style
These parents are so much fun. Now take a photo of him sideways so it looks like he’s mid-spin!
17. A “Die Hard” language lesson
18. “There are some advantages to being married for 15+ years.”
I would love to have a husband like this! Giving me permission to have Han Solo with me in my shower? Heck yeah!
19. “Wife vetoed my birth announcement design…”
@KikisGamingService:
“My nephew looks 100% like Richard Nixon but people get angry when I mention it. Luckily my wife sees it too.”
20. “My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…”
@gtg930r:
“I actually threw a 30 seconds birthday party for my wife last year. We showed up at her friend’s house, everybody had cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday then the timer on my phone went off and we all left my wife sitting there trying to figure out what the hell just happened.”
21. The master of gift disguises
Poor mom. All those lines on her face are from the endless dad jokes she’s had to suffer through all these years!
@k-dog13:
“Your dad is brave, he gave her a weapon.”
22. “Told my wife that I don’t care what my coworkers think. I want this lunch bag.”
@the-beast561:
“Interesting how when you’re young that’s a cool lunch bag, then you get older and it’s lame and childish, then you get even older and it’s cool again.”
23. “I found this from my husband in the bathroom lol…”
@well-you-asked:
“Does he have special towels for if he ends up murdering you? No way is he using the hanging white towels.”
24. “My brother has been photoshopping Skeletor into the background of random vacation pictures for over ten years.”
@Soodney:
“I want to have this. someone who will do this with no remorse.”
25. “Laser fun”
@HalletCove5158:
“Shared a bedroom my whole life growing up and I didn’t know what it was like to sleep on my own until I got married.”
26. “My girlfriend wasn’t happy I filled in her new picture frame”
27. “My boyfriend is taking care of my cat for me. I asked how it was going and he sent me this.”
@Grits102:
“Cats are damn cheaters, and if you let them use a pencil they will secretly change their scores. My grandpa used to do this, although he was not a cat.”
28. “I asked my husband to get a new leg for the garden flamingo….”
29. “I put a zombie face in front of our baby monitor. My wife was not happy when she checked on our baby in the middle of the night.”
@ohanothernerd:
“Good prank, but I would murder you.”
30. “My husband thoroughly enjoyed the science museum”
31. Panda-emic protection
@ZimSimSalabim:
“Am I the only person who looks at this and somehow sees Seth Rogen?”
32. “My wife keeps calling Jaffa Cakes biscuits. I made a 20cm/8 inch one to prove they’re cakes.”
33. “My gf was not nearly as amused as I was”
@nbowman93:
“I stopped drinking coffee for about half a year, but this past Sunday morning I drank 3 cups of it. A few hours later I completely messed my underwear while moving some furniture and it looked exactly like this.”
34. You’re over by the what?
@And My Name Is:
“I am a long haul, and I know where this is. I have been there a few times. Delivering pipe mostly.”
@KingFisher:
“OK.. I had to google this.. and it is a place in British Columbia called Delta, with the postal code “VAGINA” V4G1NA . WHEN the pandemic is over, I am going to have to visit the Delta V4G1NA. LOL”
35. “Decided to surprise my girlfriend with a new shower curtain while she’s gone for the day. Hope I’m still home and not at work when she discovers it.”
@j1ggy:
“There’s a Facebook group called “The Same Photo of Jeff Goldblum Every Day” and it’s always been this picture for years.”
36. “Pleased with the efficiency of this shopping list I prepared for my wonderful wife.”
@Rich27:
“If she goes to Lidl you are going to end up with a welder, horse riding helmet, children’s sandals, an ironing board cover and a little mermaid backpack.”
37. “I asked my boyfriend to join my Zoom meeting to critique my assignment presentation.”
38. “I asked my husband how long the kitchen table is. This is what I got.”
@FozzyPendejo:
“Man, Americans will use anything but the metric system.”
39. “Just rearranged my wife’s maternity pillows. I’m ready to become a father.”
40. “My wife’s family likes to take a photo together on Easter. I like to provide some minor alterations.”
41. “My brother snuck a picture of his girlfriend sleeping and put it on this year’s wrapping paper.”
42. “My mom started coughing and my dad isn’t playing.”
43. “Feel free to tell me your favorite practical joke so I have some entertainment in the doghouse.”
@egechem:
“Fun fact. If you replace your light fixtures with black lights you don’t even need to 3D print a scorpion. You can just put a regular scorpion on her pillow and it will glow just the same.”
44. “When the wife asks you to do something…”
45. Draw me like one of your French stick-figure girls
Okay, so don’t take this the wrong way. But maybe you just have weird feet?
@yblame:
“I guess it just goes to show that he loves you the way you are. A long-haired hot-dog with weird feet and eyes on the side of your face like a flounder. Bless your union!”
46. “My husband took this picture of me this morning while I was trying to clean my glasses.”
@SwitchingC:
“Your face says hi but your small face says hi“
47. The #wifehack
@Tbagger53:
“Till she realizes you guys haven’t used the colander in weeks. BUSTED!”
48. It’s that serious…
49. “Coworker thinks her husband doesn’t take nice pics of her. This is his contact photo for her.”
@canyonstom:
“Who wants the same bland picture where the only difference is the backdrop and the clothing? Pictures like this have way more character.”
50. “This legend picking someone up at the airport, and his unimpressed-looking wife.”
51. “Beware of wife.”
This is boomer humor at its best.
52. “My 68 y/o dad has quarantine “safe box”. He won’t give my mom the combination.”
@soundscream:
“Tell your mom to look up lockpickinglawyer and learn what a shackle shim is. She’ll be in those snacks in 30 seconds tops.”
53. “Got my boyfriend this vintage pulsar calculator watch for Christmas. Waiting in line at Best Buy and he says he has something to show me.”
@zTRNi:
“Total class move. Marry him.”
54. “My gf asked me to get Terry Crews in bed with her, so I got this pillowcase made.”
55. “It has been a year, and my wife still has not noticed I changed the dining room outlet cover.”
@simonb3516:
“When the cheque clears and she’s allowed to travel over from Thailand you can show her.”
56. “My wife’s aunt made a turkey for Thanksgiving, and I thought it looked familiar. I am now blocked for tagging her in this.”
@IAmTardigrade1:
“It was worth the block.”
@MidnightProph:
“Honestly. I mean this is hilarious but we need an explanation as to why the turkey looks that way.”
57. “My wife like dino nuggets and it was her birthday.”
58. “I put a rake in our flag holder to see how long it would take my wife to say something. It’s been three days.”
@grayputer:
“Jokes on you, your wife saw you do it. She counting how long you can keep from asking her if she saw it.”
59. “Wife asked for ice cream. Hers is beans. I’m a terrible person.”
@BeneficialHeart8:
“Let it sit in the freezer a bit for the bonus mindf**k.”
60. “My husband made lunch for me today.”
@Abdul_Exhaust
“He didn’t eat the Pringles but gave em to you… that says love.“
61. “I asked for a nice razor for my birthday from my boyfriend, engraving was a free optional extra!”
@willva0:
“Guy named Pubes starts sweating…”
62. “After 45 years Jim is in charge of making the bed every morning. I don’t think he knows what to do with the extra pillows.”
63. “Prank war between me and my girlfriend. She’s going to kill me when she grabs her lunch in the morning.”
@teelurt87:
“Just got the text “JERK! My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I opened the fridge!” She’s leaving it in there for when her daughter wakes up. This is why I love her.”
64. “Did this Christmas day, girlfriend still hasn’t noticed”
@NotSethRogenForSure:
“Oh, she’s noticed she just hasn’t said anything because she’s accepted you into her life. Who is she to judge you.”
65. “My wife told me to put nice pillow cases on the bed. A slave obeys. A man chooses…”
66. “Mom photographed a boudoir session; the groom secretly recreated the photos.”
She’s taking up more than half the bed. Seems legit!
67. “Inspired by similar signs I’ve seen here, this was my wife’s birthday gift.”
68. “My wife’s ultrasound (twins!!)”
69. “My husband graced me with this thoughtful valentine’s day card this morning. Best card I ever got.”
“I lost track somewhere after seeing your boobs.”
70. “Got my wife a 2020 edition birthday cake.”
@technomancer5:
“I’m pretty sure even Satan’s fed up with all the bulls**t this year.”
71. “My girlfriend and I have an ongoing argument about which direction the toilet paper roll should face. Today I’ve decided to assert my dominance with a padlock.”
@litzy:
“Congratulations: now you have to change the toilet paper 100% of the time.”
72. “My girlfriend wanted to get a boob job. I told her I had a cheaper solution.”
@Zamorakhawk:
“Works particularly well if your girlfriend was previously inflatable.”
73. “My girlfriend had a poster of Ed Sheeran and I have a big printer and a great sense of humour (took her two hours to notice).”
74. “Wife told me to stop buying junk food and eat more vegetables…. Marriage is about compromise.”
@bestephe123284:
“My girlfriend likes them, but they are pretty nasty. Imagine eating a cucumber that was not only totally dry, but actually absorbed moisture.”
75. “Today I babysat my son for the first time while his mother was out.”
@RamsesThePigeon:
“The graphic depiction of a mob hit against Big Johnny Thumb-Sucker was apparently nothing compared to the shock and horror that was felt in response to the choice of terminology in the title.”
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