“My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead, I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.”

“My husband has a new quarantine hobby of Zoom bombing my conference calls. The colleagues I’m meeting with always see him before I do. Never a dull moment in this household! #zoombombing #quarantine”

“When my wife had an ultrasound for our first child I took a photo of the print out so she could send to friends and family on what’s app. Instead I sent her this xenomorph image and she sent it to everyone before realising what it was. She was not amused.”

“My buddy’s girlfriend farted in front of him for the first time. He got a cake for the occasion.”

@Krazy Kanuk:

“Use the Flow luke, use the flow…”

@DudleyMcDuderson:

“Looks like she about to drop a 20-minute guitar solo, and maybe some acid.”

This is pure perfection. Does anyone remember Animorphs?

These parents are so much fun. Now take a photo of him sideways so it looks like he’s mid-spin!

I would love to have a husband like this! Giving me permission to have Han Solo with me in my shower? Heck yeah!

@KikisGamingService:

“My nephew looks 100% like Richard Nixon but people get angry when I mention it. Luckily my wife sees it too.”

@gtg930r:

“I actually threw a 30 seconds birthday party for my wife last year. We showed up at her friend’s house, everybody had cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday then the timer on my phone went off and we all left my wife sitting there trying to figure out what the hell just happened.”

Poor mom. All those lines on her face are from the endless dad jokes she’s had to suffer through all these years!

@k-dog13:

“Your dad is brave, he gave her a weapon.”

@the-beast561:

“Interesting how when you’re young that’s a cool lunch bag, then you get older and it’s lame and childish, then you get even older and it’s cool again.”

@well-you-asked:

“Does he have special towels for if he ends up murdering you? No way is he using the hanging white towels.”

@Soodney:

“I want to have this. someone who will do this with no remorse.”

@HalletCove5158:

“Shared a bedroom my whole life growing up and I didn’t know what it was like to sleep on my own until I got married.”

@Grits102:

“Cats are damn cheaters, and if you let them use a pencil they will secretly change their scores. My grandpa used to do this, although he was not a cat.”

@ohanothernerd:

“Good prank, but I would murder you.”

@ZimSimSalabim:

“Am I the only person who looks at this and somehow sees Seth Rogen?”

@nbowman93:

“I stopped drinking coffee for about half a year, but this past Sunday morning I drank 3 cups of it. A few hours later I completely messed my underwear while moving some furniture and it looked exactly like this.”

@And My Name Is:

“I am a long haul, and I know where this is. I have been there a few times. Delivering pipe mostly.”

@KingFisher:

“OK.. I had to google this.. and it is a place in British Columbia called Delta, with the postal code “VAGINA” V4G1NA . WHEN the pandemic is over, I am going to have to visit the Delta V4G1NA. LOL”

@j1ggy:

“There’s a Facebook group called “The Same Photo of Jeff Goldblum Every Day” and it’s always been this picture for years.”

@Rich27:

“If she goes to Lidl you are going to end up with a welder, horse riding helmet, children’s sandals, an ironing board cover and a little mermaid backpack.”

@FozzyPendejo:

“Man, Americans will use anything but the metric system.”

@egechem:

“Fun fact. If you replace your light fixtures with black lights you don’t even need to 3D print a scorpion. You can just put a regular scorpion on her pillow and it will glow just the same.”

Okay, so don’t take this the wrong way. But maybe you just have weird feet?

@yblame:

“I guess it just goes to show that he loves you the way you are. A long-haired hot-dog with weird feet and eyes on the side of your face like a flounder. Bless your union!”

@SwitchingC:

“Your face says hi but your small face says ^hi“

@Tbagger53:

“Till she realizes you guys haven’t used the colander in weeks. BUSTED!”

@canyonstom:

“Who wants the same bland picture where the only difference is the backdrop and the clothing? Pictures like this have way more character.”

This is boomer humor at its best.

@soundscream:

“Tell your mom to look up lockpickinglawyer and learn what a shackle shim is. She’ll be in those snacks in 30 seconds tops.”

@zTRNi:

“Total class move. Marry him.”

@simonb3516:

“When the cheque clears and she’s allowed to travel over from Thailand you can show her.”

@IAmTardigrade1:

“It was worth the block.”

@MidnightProph:

“Honestly. I mean this is hilarious but we need an explanation as to why the turkey looks that way.”

@grayputer:

“Jokes on you, your wife saw you do it. She counting how long you can keep from asking her if she saw it.”

@BeneficialHeart8:

“Let it sit in the freezer a bit for the bonus mindf**k.”

@Abdul_Exhaust

“He didn’t eat the Pringles but gave em to you… that says love.“

@willva0:

“Guy named Pubes starts sweating…”

@teelurt87:

“Just got the text “JERK! My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I opened the fridge!” She’s leaving it in there for when her daughter wakes up. This is why I love her.”

@NotSethRogenForSure:

“Oh, she’s noticed she just hasn’t said anything because she’s accepted you into her life. Who is she to judge you.”

She’s taking up more than half the bed. Seems legit!

“I lost track somewhere after seeing your boobs.”

@technomancer5:

“I’m pretty sure even Satan’s fed up with all the bulls**t this year.”

@litzy:

“Congratulations: now you have to change the toilet paper 100% of the time.”

@Zamorakhawk:

“Works particularly well if your girlfriend was previously inflatable.”

@bestephe123284:

“My girlfriend likes them, but they are pretty nasty. Imagine eating a cucumber that was not only totally dry, but actually absorbed moisture.”

@RamsesThePigeon:

“The graphic depiction of a mob hit against Big Johnny Thumb-Sucker was apparently nothing compared to the shock and horror that was felt in response to the choice of terminology in the title.”