When Mary Maxwell took the stage at a dinner to honor caregivers, she was simply asked to give the invocation – just a quick prayer and thanks for the food and the company. And that she did. But she didn’t leave the podium when she was done.
Instead, Maxwell took a few minutes to take advantage of the microphone – and presumably God’s attention – and a captive audience to talk about the realities of aging. And her delightful “routine” had everyone cracking up.
She began:
“Oh, sorry God, as long as I have the microphone… there are a few things I forgot to mention.”
The audience began roaring with laughter right off the bat.
She began by remarking – quite randomly, in fact – about people’s curiosity about age and weight.
“First of all, just to introduce myself a little, over the years I’ve noticed the two things people want to know the most about you are the two things most people are too polite to ask. So let’s get that out of the way. I’m 72 years old and I weigh 145 pounds.”
Then she took a moment to ask God if he would continue to make the caregivers at Home Instead patient with their elderly clients.
“As you know we seniors are sometimes not very likeable let alone lovable, so Lord could you please continue to make the people at Home Instead patient and aware of why we are the way we are. And Lord, please remind them that the thing about old age is that you don’t get a chance to practice.”
But here’s where the most laughter breaks out. Maxwell reminds everyone that there’s really no such thing as being good at getting old – after all, you only get one chance at it. She also rattles off some of the “privileges” one’s body puts them through.
“This is the first time I’ve ever been old and it just sort of crept up on me. There were signs. Random hair growth – that’s special. Particularly that first time you go to brush a hair off your lapel and discover it’s attached to your chin. You turn your left turn signal on in the morning and leave it on all day. Non-life threatening skin growths large enough to name after deceased pets and relatives begin to appear. And neck tissue seems to develop a life of its own.”
And, of course, there are some slight cognitive issues involved in getting old.
“Last November I was afraid to leave the house Thanksgiving week. You do strange things as you age like driving up to a curbside mailbox and ordering a cheeseburger and fries. And Lord I know you’re aware that one Sunday at church I put my Dillard’s bill in the collection basket by mistake. And last Easter after services at St. Cecilia’s Cathedral here in Omaha my husband stopped to talk to a friend and I went on out and got in the car to go home. The gentlemen sitting behind the wheel said “Oh are you going home with me?” and I said ‘Oh Arch Bishop, I’m so sorry.”
Maxwell is a hoot. And she wants everyone to remember that seniors are full of surprises – not all of them fantastic.
“I won’t even mention driving into the wrong end of the car wash. People get so excited when you do that. I don’t know why the Lady in the other car was screaming like that. I was just as surprised to see her as she was to see me. I also won’t mention discovering that you’re wearing mismatched earrings and going home to change them and ending up wearing the other mismatched pair.”
As for exercising? Forget it. It’s far too inconvenient when you’re trying to enjoy a glass of wine.
“And Lord, you know it’s hard for old people to exercise. I did try to jog once, but it makes the wine just jump right out of your glass.”
Since it was posted in April 2010, Maxwell’s speech has garnered over 16.8 million views on YouTube for her good-spirited honesty.
As one last joke, she prayed to God that she would be able to find her car in the parking lot at the end of the night.
Then she walked off stage to a huge round of applause.
Be sure to scroll down below to see her whole, hilarious speech.
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