You lose control of a lot of things – especially your time – when you become a parent.

But you can only get so mad at the mini versions of yourself that are now in charge.

Ok, so maybe there are a few handy parenting hacks.

They’re all diabolical, but totally worth it if they save your sanity.

It’s hard to remember how much energy we used to have.

Until we see the creatures that stole it running around the house.

Parenthood seems like a much better idea when you can team up with your kid to get out of things.

And sometimes they even come with snacks.

There’s no rhyme or reason to a toddler’s reactions to things.

You might as well be back in college and trying to put up with a drunk roommate.

Sometimes it’s just easier to lie to your kids.

It’s not fun and no one starts off wanting to do it, but it’s tough to maintain all of your ideals when you’re exhausted.

Nothing puts you on the edge of your seat quite like watching a small child trying to pour liquid.

But at some point they have to learn, which means practice is mandatory (and spilling in inevitable).

You can choose to see kids as messy or as avant garde decorators.

Just prepare for your bathroom to become a much less relaxing place once you have them.

There’s a lot of barf cleaning involved in parenting.

That’s something they don’t tell you in advance – on purpose.

Bribes look different in different families, but bribing your child to eat their food is universal.

And it usually works.

We hope you got your fill of peaceful morning before you had kids.

Because sunrise silence is a thing of the past.

Whatever you’ve planned for dinner is wrong. Unless you planned for candy-covered pizza.

But you didn’t.

So it’s always going to be wrong.

Kids can be a bit like pets in that you can spend all sorts of money and effort on making them happy and they’ll still just want to play with the box your gift came in.

Next time just fill the box with shredded reciepts.

Romantic gestures look a lot different after you have kids.

Now the greatest gift you can give your partner is some peace and quiet.

Toddlers are going to tantrum no matter what you do.

Surviving those years requires some thick skin – and a pair of earplugs.

Remember when it felt so gloriously productive to get up before sunrise and get your day going?

It’s a lot less inspiring to do so if you just have to make breakfast and break out Legos for your little ones.

It’s unclear why kids feel the need to follow their parents into the bathroom, but it’s never a pleasant experience.

Before you have kids, savor every moment of solitary bathroom time.

They say it’s never too late to follow your dreams. But it really is too late to take back your kids.

That’s why they didn’t come with a reciept.

You can’t win an argument with a kid because they haven’t learned that they can be wrong.

They think being right is a state of mind.

Come to think of it, some people never grow out of that.

There’s so much nagging involved in parenting that it gets exhausting.

Then again, kids really won’t remember to fulfill their basic needs on their own.

Your toddler will feel whatever is most invonvenient and be able to ignore things that would normally be considered an emergency.

Everything is the opposite in toddler world!

Your kids will always need something from you.

Always.

Even when you’re dead.

Parenting requires a very specific set of skills. Skills no one actually has.

That’s why no one ever feels like they’re great at this whole parenting thing.

Of course, one of the great parts of parenting is when you realize you’ve raised a genius.

Any kid that can create their own portable cheese snack has to be worth all that effort.

Occassionally parents can pull off a win over their kids.

And the victory is all the more sweet when they’re trying to push your buttons and you refuse to let it happen.

There’s no rest for the wicked. Or for parents.

It doesn’t matter how old your kid is, you’re always going to lose sleep over them.

Remember when you assumed pants were just a thing people put on every day without much drama?

Not when you’re a parent.

Now pants are the enemy.

You’re not going to like what you find when you follow the loud crashing noise.

So do you go check on it anyway if the kids are clearly still alive?

Or do you just pour a drink and remind yourself that it will still be broken later?

Kids hear what they want to.

It’s unclear if somehow their hearing is best under certain circumstances, but since candy is usually involved it’s pretty clear what’s going on here.

Hey, school is basically a full time job for kids.

You can’t blame them for wanting a few days off every now and then.

And they can get very creative in the ways they go about it.

Your kids will destroy everything. Not necessarily on purpose, but you might as well say goodbye to your valuables now.

Or just lock them up (the valuables, not the kids) for the next 18 years.

Parents have all sort of ways of displaying their kids and their milestones on social media.

But that doesn’t mean everyone has to think it’s cute.

What is it with kids and their love of the most annoying and pointless shows and books?

Is it considered bad parenting to just introduce them to audio books at a young age so you don’t have to read the same vapid story 1400 times?

If a kid thinks something is amusing or fun, expect them to want to do it until they can’t possibly do it anymore.

And yes, you are required to watch.

No one likes homework, even parents.

But it’s especially easy to get fed up with it when you’re 7.

After all, there are so many better things to do.

Sometimes, when your kids get old enough, you might be able to get the tiniest bit of revenge on them.

Don’t count on it or anything, but keep it in mind to get you through the tough times.

You definitely need a thick skin if you’re going to take anything a toddler says to heart.

They have a funny way of remarking on things.

You never know what award you’re going to win that day as a parent.

But there are no in-between awards.

You’re either the best or the worst.

Kids these days.

It really is a parent’s responsibility to introduce them to the classics.

For some reason, being clean requires a lot of work in the eyes of a child. And for what?

It’s still a wonder that they can just stand in the bathroom and not do the things they’re supposed to though.

Smart kids can be sassy – and they’ve often got a point.

There’s no use in arguing with someone you created and encouraged to push the envelope.