When we get stuck with a problem, all we need is a little push to get us going. One of the best people to help us with our quandaries is our dads. It doesn’t matter if you’re close or not, you’d be surprised that your dad’s going to spout the most golden advice that you need in your life when it matters most.
Here are 70 of the best pieces of dad-vice that people have shared on the internet:
1. I’m not going to do that
Is this a dad joke disguised as advice or advice disguised as a dad joke? We’ll never know, but he loved to say it.
2. I mean, he has a point
Well, that’s not technically what that means, and I don’t know if the cruise line would accept it. But realistically, who else is going to be coming to help you out at sea? Dad is thinking practically.
At least Dad isn’t concerned about his son marrying a divorced woman. He doesn’t care about baggage — in fact, he thinks it comes with quite a few perks. Talk about putting a positive spin on things.
4. That’s certainly one solution
Some dads tell their kids to forget their cheating ex and get revenge by being happy. Not this dad. He had more extreme — and weird — advice.
5. Raising the stakes, there
This piece of advice is pretty extreme. It’s definitely on a level above “He’ll put coal in your stocking.” New theory: Santa gets the coal from the houses he burns down.
6. Thanks, I’m uncomfortable
Dads have a way of giving important life lessons in the weirdest and most awkward ways possible. I won’t deny these lessons are true, but I also don’t want to think about them too much.
Forget your MLM cure-all essential oils, Karen. This dad knows exactly which oils are essential to his needs, and they don’t include eucalyptus, sage, or lavender.
8. It’s gross but it rhymes
This clever method of excusing a belch doesn’t quite replace the phrase “Excuse me.” Also, someone needs to tell Dad that’s not how gas works.
In this dad’s defense, that’s the first rule of getting poison ivy or poison oak. But he left out quite a few more helpful solutions…like calamine lotion.
A better lesson might be to avoid going around naked under a bathrobe, but we’ll give it to him. It could save you a lot of future embarrassment — and it seems as though Dad is speaking from experience.
11. Is that the best solution?
I feel like a good middle ground here would be to eat in moderation or wear sweatpants, but that wasn’t good enough for Dad. This begs the question: exactly how much was he eating?
We’ll never know the reasoning behind this father’s strange hatred of apples. Apparently, they’re the fruit of the common rabble and he considers himself above all that.
Is this why dads seem to love mowing their lawn as often as possible? Are they just fantasizing about taking off a little bit around the edges?
In drivers’ ed, they teach you about defensive driving. But what they don’t teach you is “creative” driving. Oh, wait, yes, they do — in the lesson about accidents and speeding offenses.
15. He has his priorities straight
Either this dad was hoping to make his daughter smart by osmosis, thereby saving on college expenses, or he was hoping she’d marry a rich guy. Either way, you can’t fault him for thinking outside of the box.
16. Apparently, he thinks you’re dumb
Starting a new job can be nerve-wracking. Luckily, Dad supplied a vote of confidence. Or rather, he made his child doubt their intelligence for the rest of their life.
17. He wasn’t a sports fan
Some kids aren’t naturally inclined to sports. Regardless, parents should support them. It seems sports ability wasn’t important to Jimmy Fallon’s dad. He just wanted to go home.
I don’t know how to start unpacking this one. Frankly, I have a few questions about how this advice was born. What prompted this pearl of wisdom — or do I even want to know?
If you’ve ever been to college, you know there are two things universal for students: they’re always hungry and rarely have money. In college, you take whatever free food you can find.
20. That’s a terrible idea
Older people often have an odd fixation of having their privacy violated. They’re very protective of their rights. But not using your turn signal is taking it way too far.
21. He’s not pulling any punches
Scaremongering isn’t always the best way to get through to kids, but you can’t deny this leaves an impression. Seriously, people — just buckle your seatbelt.
I want to know if he gave any other context to this advice. I’m assuming his warning of “not to be the drunkest” was to save some embarrassment. Alas, we’ll never know the whole story.
23. Prioritize dental hygiene, kids
This was spoken by a dad who didn’t brush his teeth often enough and had to pay for an absurd amount of dental care. At least, that’s what I’m assuming. You don’t forget those harsh life lessons.
24. The times they are a-changin’
When we were young, our fathers told us to speak to our mothers with respect. But with the changing of technology, the advice from our parents has to change, too. One day we’ll be saying, “Don’t make fun of your mom on the holograph.”
25. How to make money: by Dad
Some people just have “That Face,” the one that makes people tell them about their problems. Dad’s all about taking opportunities that present themselves. And we can’t exactly blame him.
26. You can’t take it with you
Sure, it’s important to start a savings account. But ultimately, your money has to go somewhere. After all, you won’t be taking it with you at the end of your life.
27. I feel like that’s backward
You should never swerve to avoid hitting an animal — at least not a small one, like a squirrel. But I get the feeling Dad got himself mixed up between trees and people.
In general, it’s a good idea to avoid smoking — even though not everyone who smokes gets cancer. But this dad’s ideas of responsible consumption might be a little bit off-base.
Babyproofing is a never-ending task, and some kids seem determined to find every tiny object in the house. Where did they find that little screw? You’ll never know.
30. Reverse psychology, I guess
Our parents raised us to think that random strangers would offer us drugs in dark alleyways. The reality is no one does that because, as he says, drugs are expensive.
This is yet another one of those pieces of advice that must’ve come from real-world experience. I feel as though it shouldn’t need to be said, but that’s where we are.
32. Unless you’re a dog, of course
Do people drive with their heads out the car window? Well, this woman’s father does. It seems like a good way to get bugs and gravel on your face
33. Sister doesn’t appreciate
Siblings fight about the strangest things, including flatulence. But parents don’t usually encourage them to blame their farts on one another. How about just saying “Excuse me?”
34. A little too colorful, but it’s solid
It’s just like a dad to compare love to bodily functions. But, like most fatherly advice, even though it’s disgusting, there’s also got an element of truth to it.
35. He has specific expectations for chicken
Something tells me this father-in-law had a bad experience with expensive chicken. Either that or he’s a cheapskate and takes unregulated chicken prices very personally.
The way Dad worded this advice makes me think he was tired of listening to his kids’ complain. He’d rather they murder than subject him to those annoying people by proxy.
37. I’m guessing he didn’t go to medical school
Plenty of dads have some version of this, maybe “rub some dirt on it” or “walk it off.” It’s all the same way of saying: “You’re going to get over it because I don’t want to take you to the hospital.”
Beer does tend to go through your system much faster than most alcohol. But I’m not sure what Dad’s trying to say here — maybe “Go to the bathroom before you get in the car”?
39. Stop victory dancing, Dad
The biggest problem with this “solution” — besides the fact that it doesn’t satisfy thirst — is that you produce less saliva as you get more dehydrated. Dad needs to read a science book before doing that victory dance.
Something tells me that Dad thought long and hard about the way he wanted to give this advice. He settled for a particularly elegant way and seemed pretty proud of it.
41. Dad, do you need to talk?
Why do I get the feeling Dad is still bitter about that $200 he lost to the neighbor Tim back in 2003? Sometimes, dad advice comes from a dark past. You might want to ask some questions.
42. …or sweep you out to sea
Okay, this is funny to laugh at from afar. But in all seriousness, this is an excellent way to get yourself killed. A riptide isn’t the best way to test your swimming strength.
Dads can be naturally overprotective of their children, especially as they reach the dating age. But punching at a middle school dance might cause a scene.
44. He covered everything
Both of these phrases apply to driving safety and physical attraction. I guess Dad was a man of few words — but he made all of them count.
In case you didn’t know, that acronym stands for “The Fault in Our Stars,” which is a real tearjerker. And honestly…this isn’t the worst advice in the world. John Green would approve.
46. Yuck, but also solid advice
Do we want to know how Dad came to view this as life advice? No, we don’t. But suffice it to say, there’s a story behind this and it was a tragedy.
Every parent wants their kid to be good — at least, for the most part. But this dad knew his daughter wasn’t always going to behave, so his advice had a Part II.
48. He didn’t want to go to the doctor
Ah, dads, the kings of telling their kids they’re fine so they avoid going to the doctor. To be fair, this seems like an obvious solution to the problem.
49. If you’re going to hit someone, that is
Sometimes, you think your dad’s going to get mad but he surprises you by taking everything in stride. Not only did this dad react calmly, but he also gave some practical advice.
50. Well, I get what he’s saying…
Dads are great at finding the most disturbing or disgusting ways of imparting great life advice. This is just the slightly grosser way of saying, “Don’t treat people badly because you might need their help one day.”
51. Something tells me Dad hated swimming
Forget telling your kids their fingers will look like prunes. This dad had a more extreme saying that probably spoiled swimming for his kids for the rest of their lives.
Good old Dad, giving advice as colorful as possible. It’s good advice, but it might not be the best to share in polite company. Keep it between dad and son.
53. Thank you, but I’m confused
I’ll be honest: I’ve read through this at least five times and still don’t understand the phrases “alligator mouth” and “parakeet ass.” But his message is clear.
Do people exist who wash their entire body by rubbing a bar of soap directly on their skin? I guess this is good advice if you’re going to do that, but for the love, people, use a loofah.
This dad seems to get it: you can be extremely intelligent and still be terrible at taking exams. When that happens — and it happens to all of us — it’s up to you to fudge your way through as best you can.
56. Okay, that’s one option
Most dads try to encourage their kids through their troubles, but this one wasn’t pulling any punches. I sincerely hope he was using a bit of ill-timed dark humor.
I feel as though there should’ve been a second part to this lesson that said: “Also, don’t go to hookers.” Someone, please tell me there was a second part.
58. He makes a point well
Dads have a unique ability to make serious points but in a way that’s funny. This advice is extremely important — and he gave it in such a way that his child will never forget.
This is a popular urban legend that just doesn’t seem to die. Dear Dad and everyone: no, they won’t let you die just to get your organs nor will they take them while you’re alive.
60. At least, you shouldn’t
I’m sure there’s wisdom somewhere in this confusing Dad saying. Is he saying that picking your nose is preferable to having friends? Or is he saying you should be able to wipe your friends on the couch?
I’m guessing Dad didn’t intend to be rude — that is, he wasn’t trying to imply she was fat. He was just trying to tell his daughter what her priorities should be.
62. A new take on stranger danger
Most parents make sure their children know all about strangers, but this dad had a different bit of advice. Hopefully, he said it when his kids were old enough to understand it was a joke.
63. You can’t be too careful
Sure, it’s important to be cautious when you’re dating, especially if you’re meeting through a dating app or website. This might be overkill. But I don’t think he cares.
Not only is this advice completely illogical, but it’s also extremely unsafe. If he ascribes to this, I wonder how many speeding tickets he’s gotten in his life.
65. Well, I’m never eating vegetables again
This might be an appealing thought for little boys, but not so much for little girls. You might be scaring your daughter off from eating anything green for fear of turning into a hairy monster.
66. That just changed my life
If you’re okay with everyone thinking you’re an idiot, this is some life-changing advice. It could be a one-way ticket that allows you to sit on the couch for the rest of your days.
67. Well, there go my dreams of holding theater curtains down
Every dad has a saying heard by their kids a million times while growing up, but it still never made sense. This is one of those. The meaning is clear, but…a sandbag?
68. He’s got his priorities straight
In many public campsites, it’s illegal to consume alcohol. That helps cut back on irresponsible behavior, waste, and excess noise. But Dad doesn’t care — he wants to make sure his daughter parties it up.
69. In other words, shut up
This is a brilliant way to keep your kids from babbling too much. It’s a better method than telling them you’re playing the “Quiet Game.”
70. Well, that clears it up
Some dads are optimists, telling their kids to shoot for the stars. This dad has a much more negative view of — well, everything. I guess a dose of reality can be healthy.
You can never go wrong with dad-vice. Regardless, all of them could be proven useful in your everyday life.
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Source: Bored Panda, Twitter, Flickr/Gareth1953
