Here’s a well-known fact: Americans are much weirder than the rest of the world. But that’s only because we have a uniquely rich and sordid history!
It all started after we told the British monarchy what we really thought of their crumpets and redcoats at The Boston Tea Party gala we “threw” in their honor.
As the only former colony to successfully give two royal fingers to the King and live to tell about it, we’ve been living it up as rebel scum and doing our own thing ever since!
But since American culture is like nothing else out there, we’re constantly getting roasted by people in other countries who just don’t understand our crazy, discombobulated ways.
That’s okay though, because we still know how to have fun, and can even shoot a few tongue-in-cheek #shotsfired at ourselves to get the ball rolling.
To prove that point, here are 65 hilariously insulting times that Americans got mocked for being American. Just don’t be surprised when Americans fight back. Yippee-Ki-Yay!
1) Our simplified chart of U.S. Presidents
(In case you’re wondering, cracker #16 with the hole in the center is Abraham Lincoln after his assassination, while the one with the missing chip in the top right corner represents poor John F. Kennedy’s head.)
@Mireira Dos:
“You could even more accurately represent the entire lot of USA presidents as a turnip field.”
Roast Level: even Americans think some of our Presidents fell off the turnip truck.
2) Canada to USA: we’re freeing ourselves, eh!
“We are slowly trying to distance ourselves from the US piece by piece.”
Roast Level: go ahead and leave, Canada, there’s nothing but icebergs up there anyways.
3) What do Americans do when they’re about to lose an intellectual debate with Canada about who is cooler?
Counter-Roast Level: don’t get upsetti, just have ah some spaghetti!
4) The lame “it’s not football” insult
But American footballers kick balls, too! Want proof?
@tm_flood:
“Because at one very brief point in the game that has nothing to do with the rest of the game, someone who does nothing else during the course of the entire game comes out and kicks the ball one time then goes back to the bench.”
Roast Level: let’s all just agree that everyone should be able to play with their balls however they see fit, without regard to gender, race, or other people’s differently-shaped balls getting all up in their face!
5) Canada to USA: it’s all about the free health care, eh!
The hilarious response?
“Nothing goes wrong in Canada. Even if it did we all have free healthcare.”
Touche!
Roast Level: Americans are paying for it with high health insurance premiums.
6) America to 18-year-olds: you can destroy everything else in your life, but we won’t let you get caught with pina colada’s in the rain until you’re 21.
But if we want to buy a bottle of barely-there-buzz 5% alcohol wine, that’s a big NOPE from Uncle Sam.
Roast Level: ass-broke and high as a kite until we can finally drink it off when we turn 21.
7) Why do Americans choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
As for our Presidents, who or how they end up on the ballet doesn’t really matter. In the end, we’re basically forced to choose which one of two nimrods make our skin crawl the least, and even when they win, half the country will be counting down the days to the next election.
Roast Level: not-so well done, thanks to our electoral college that does all the voting for us.
8) Canada gettin’ sassy with American lawsuits!
But come on Canada, there’s no need to get ants in your pants about it. You’re just jealous that we can actually earn a living roasting ourselves!
Roast Level: Boiling hot – when measured at 212 degrees Fahrenheit, of course!
9) #shotsfired, and for once it’s not America’s fault!
But, just because we ditched the mother tongue in favor of adding more words to our repertoire doesn’t mean we’re simpletons!
Roast Level: Sucks to be simplified, but at least we know how to spell HUMOR!
10) “Why do Americans always consider themselves half-Irish when in reality their aunt’s cousin’s best friend’s toenail fell into a pint of Guinness once?”
Maybe you remember that little thing called the Potato Famine, where millions of your brethren emigrated to the US because they ran out of taters?
In fact, the Irish were so eager to become American citizens, they bought cheap tickets on boats bound for Canada and walked across the border into Maine as soon as they arrived.
They didn’t even bother to stop and wave goodbye to all the Canucks desperately trying woo them back with their brothels of hairy French-Canadian women chugging maple syrup.
Double-Roast Level: 10+, for blasting both Canada and Ireland at the same time!
11) The U.S./Canadian border wall
Roast Level: on fire!
12) Americans have to pay to be smarter, which is why a lot of us aren’t.
Roast Level: pitifully sad.
13) “Like Europe is not a country, are you going to Copenhagen or County Clare.”
The same goes for nearby countries that technically aren’t members of the EU – we still call it Europe because that part of the world is so tiny and insignificant, we could play pin the tail on the donkey with it!
Roast Level: would you like that burning hot payout in American Express checks or Deutsche Marks?
14) Canadians: why do Americans freak out over us having bagged milk?
Oh wait. Never mind. We don’t actually need to take a gun into Walmart when we can just grab a Snickers bar, a sawed off shotgun, and the latest swimsuit edition of Guns & Ammo right there at the cash register.
Roast Level: not crying over spilled bagged milk.
15) How to sneak chocolate into an American movie theater
Roast Level: schweet, and it’ll satisfy your hunger, too!
16) Gigi wants to know why Americans think water freezing at 32 degrees instead of 0 makes sense.
When Dutch engineer, physicist and glass blower Daniel Fahrenheit invented his wonky temperature scale, he was probably inhaling some ganja juice out of the glass pipe he just made. That’s why his creation is absolute bollocks.
How or why we decided to adopt this system is unclear, but suffice it to say, the classic American novel Fahrenheit 451 would sound pretty lame if it were called Celsius 232.778.
Roast Level: set at a dystopian 451 degrees Fahrenheit.
17) Canada is the love child of England and France; US is the rebel big brother
“I always think of Canada as the lovechild of England and France after they had a drunken one night stand, and England just left it to grow up with its big brother in America who was like the rebel of the family.”
But, she left out the part where America will always have control over its little sibling to the north by way of a permanently attached ankle monitoring bracelet known as Alaska.
Roast Level: Canada couldn’t shake us off if they tried!
18) “Do you ever see something and think: wow, that is so violently American?”
Roast Level: how many glazed-donut-bacon-cheesburgers would you like with your gallon-sized Coke, Sir?
19) “Why do Americans normalize walking over the house with their shoes on?”
Roast Level: kinda stinky.
20) Border sign differences between Canada and USA
First of all, Canada doesn’t seem to have big enough moose balls to pick a language, so they’ve decided to bow down to both of their former colonial masters on their welcome sign.
Our “Welcome to the United States” sign on the other hand is a smorgasbord of fun!
“Jesus…it’s like the whole country is a f*cking theme park!”
Since we were able to squeeze all of our best attractions onto a single sign, foreigners don’t actually have to visit them in person. This leaves room for us to vacation without having to mingle with outsiders, which is a win-win for everyone!
Roast Level: do you want that spelled out for you in American Spanglish, Canadian Eh’s, or British Chav?
21) “Has anybody seen America?”
“Where did you come from where did you go?”
America suddenly comes crashed through the door and picks up where Canada left off with this funny Rednex tune:
“Where did you come from cotton eye Joe?”
Roast Level: hilariously accurate, as far as Swedish-infused redneck stereotypes go.
22) Summer wants to know: “Why do Americans call it tuna fish, is there another species of tuna I’m not aware of?”
Most of us remember when Jessica Simpson asked former husband Nick Lachey one of the most hard-hitting questions to ever come out of reality TV:
“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says chicken . . . by the sea?”
So you see, we were forced to add “fish” at the end to avoid confusing Jessica’s befuddled brain even further.
Hey, just because we’re proud Americans doesn’t mean we’re actually proud of all our Americans.
Roast Level: smells dumb, blonde, and fishy.
23) Americans freak out over the same-sex marriage and taxed health care that Canadians enjoy.
Roast Level: cold but stable, with a 50% chance of party beavers.
24) “Welcome to the south. These b*tches will deep fry anything.”
But, it’s ingenuity like this that has helped propel us to the forefront of technology, and make America greatly drunk again.
Roast Level: with a wedge of lime and some salt around the rim, please.
25) Elizabeth wants to know: “Why do Americans use cups as a measurement for solids? Why do you do this when the gram is right there?”
Also, gram scales are only useful for finding out how much crack we were shorted by our drug dealer. We only bust those out of the glove box on Tuesday’s after dropping the kids off at school.
Roast Level: totally baked!
26) Canada is progressive, but America? Not so much.
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Roast Level: extremely uncomfortable, especially for pretty young things named Ivanka.
27) Silly Americans and their douchebag mascots!
“No wonder foreigners don’t like Americans. I mean our mascot looks like the bird form of a douchebag who takes gym class too seriously.”
Self-Roast Level: of douchebag-like proportions!
28) We do care less, but we also don’t.
“Why do American people say ‘I could care less’ when what they actually mean is ‘I COULDN’T care less?’ It makes no sense at all.”
Well Candace, we’re honestly just lazy mofo’s and it’s easier to just cut ourselves off and save some time. What we really mean to say is:
“I COULD care less, but since I don’t give a sh*t, I won’t care less!”
Roast Level: we actually don’t give a rat’s ass.
29) Ask anyone, bigger is better
But we have the Grand Canyon, and people come from all over the world to ride our big, swollen rapids!
Roast Level: going the distance.
30) Zak asks: Why do Americans call it the “restroom?” I have never rested in the toilet.
Sometimes the sound of running tap water is even a bit meditative, and were it not for the stench you could even pretend you were in a spa.
Roast Level: flushed down the toilet!
31) Canada to America: our rainbow money is made of plastic and can’t be ripped!
Also, what about those times when you have to rip a $20 bill in front of your kid, with the threat that MAYBE they’ll get the other half when they finish their chores?
Self-Roast Level: very colorful!
32) “Since they changed the Philosopher’s Stone to Sorcerer’s Stone for America, I decided to change the rest since us Americans are too dumb to understand the word philosopher.”
So, a Guy With Only Some Blood, Death, and that Mean Jail Man walk into a bar…
Roast Level: warm enough to order a Hot Cup of butterbeer in The Whisper Snake Place that’s next to The Bird Club!
33) Why do Americans act weird when non-native English speakers start speaking more fluently than they do?
Roast Level: Americae stultus, 愚蠢的美国人, estúpidas Americanas, أمريكيون أغبياء, dumma amerikaner!
34) “Why do Americans measure things in football field lengths?”
Also, PETA scrapped our “bald eagle centipede” plan to string them together by their wings and make a huge measuring tape out of them, since they’re supposedly endangered.
Next silly question?
Roast Level: the whole nine yards!
35) “Why do Americans love trucks tho, like what are they putting in them?”
Roast Level: Ford tough!
36) Brits to Americans: “Maths” adds up!
“We call it [bleepin] maths because it’s [bleepy-da-bloop] mathematics, there’s more than one of them, or maybe you pee-brained eagle-[boinkers] can handle only one.”
Roast Level: feels kind of wet and soggy, like you just peed on our brains.
37) Why do American students get graded with A, B, C, D, and F, but not E?
It makes no sense to give our precious 5-year-old’s false hope when we’re trying to encourage them to keep up with the downward spiral trajectory they’re on!
Report Card: G, for GRRREAT!
38) This is how everyone else sees America
Roast Level: where’s the beef?
39) Imperial vs Metric system
But, saying “Jason Momoa is 6 feet four inches” sounds like you’re getting more sexy bang for your buck than a boring “he’s 1.8288 meters tall.”
Roast Level: taking our sexy back.
40) Americans in uproar after gay marriage legalized in US; want to move to Canada
@StarKitten:
“Americans look for every opportunity to move to the country they know is better.”
Roast Level: Dumb and Dumber-er.
41) “Can you pass the salad, mom?” he asks the AK-47, but she doesn’t pass the salad.”
First of all, where’s the bathtub-sized vat of Ranch dressing? And the American flag?
Second, well, there really is no second point. Except maybe to point out that this table would look really good with a WWII-era Mk 2 hand grenade as the centerpiece.
Roast Level: Pew pew pew! A-Pla-ket-ket, ket-ket!!
42) “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of ___ Unfathomable stupidity!”
But hey, at least the new lyrics still rhyme with “liberty!”
Roast Level: well-deserved synchronicity.
43) All-American Rejects
But if you think the likes of John Muir, Ayn Rand, Joseph Pulitzer (want a prize, anyone?), Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, and Andrew Carnegie are low-quality castoffs, then we proudly stand rejected!
Roast Level: getting intellectually rich off Europe’s “seconds.”
44) “I feel like I need to go to a mental hospital but I don’t want to throw my family into years of debt.”
Roast Level: we’ll be paying up the wazoo forever.
45) “Why do Americans have liquor stores?”
We even have liquor stores with drive-thru windows, which makes it so much easier for us to grab a quick bite to drink on the way to work!
Roast Level: full-bodied, with a hint of cherry, nutmeg, and ashtray.
46) “Why do Americans have to put cheese on everything?”
This dairy by-product looks like a brick of plastic butter and tastes like gym socks, but it lasts 150 years and can be passed down to our children after we die. So you could even say that cheese is almost like valuable currency!
Roast Level: Wisconsin cheddar-level cheesy.
47) “What do you Americans mean when a show is on at like [bleepin’] “8/7c” – what is that?”
And why would we, when we have access to the vastly superior Eagle Time?
“The ‘c’ stands for “Caw,” referring to how many times majestic eagle has flown overhead and cawed that day. Sometimes the eagles are feeling sluggish, so the show could be on after either the 7th or 8th caw.”
Roast Level: caw…caw caw…caw.
48) America tries to roast Canada, gets scorched in return volley of fire
“We don’t have enemies because we don’t stir sh*t up with other countries like the rest of u.”
Roast Level: still stirring up the pot.
49) “Go back to Canada, Iowa.”
And yes, this totally makes if you live in ‘Merica!
Roast Level: has a bit of Midwestern bite to it.
50) Rumored radio transcript with US naval ship sums up American entitlement.
Americans: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.”
This back and forth banter kept going until the bully commander of the navy vessel pulled out the big guns and demanded that Canada comply – or else!
Roast Level: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
51) “When America’s like LOL Canada, amirite? And the rest of the world’s like nah bro, it’s literally only you that does it different.”
How did I get to be this old and not even know that? Oh yeah, that’s right – I’m American!
Roast Level: scorched, torched, and burnt to a zeeeesty crisp!
52) Question: “What’s the difference between America and yogurt?
“I asked my friend and she said ‘yogurt can be fat-free.'”
Roast Level: needs more probiotics to grow some culture.
53) Portugal to USA: “F-you, we have TWO freedom days!”
Roast Level: we even get a bonus freedom day on Leap Year.
54) Who the eff measures pizza in acres?!
Roast Level: can’t burn the roof of America’s mouth with that cheesy tripe!
55) “What even IS American culture? Just a big ball of different cultures with no set value. I don’t get it.”
It’s all about Jesus and beefy cheesy glory. Now do you understand?
Roast Level: crucified!
56) “Patriot responds to suggestion of Britain and France teaming up to wage war on ‘MURICA.”
@mccdizzie:
“I wouldn’t mind getting two more states.”
57) What ‘Murican roadtrips look like
Roast Level: 100% Americano!
58) How do Americans make tea without a kettle?
Also, only in America can you have a commercial with Robin Williams dressed up as George Washington, driving a Dodge Challenger, on his way to go teabag the redcoats!
Roast Level: it’s even better with cream and sugar.
59) Red-blooded American moonpie
“If you can’t moon Canada from the back of your friend’s porch, after drinking several beers, while singing “The Star-Spangled Banner’ on the 4th of July, then I ask you, when CAN you moon Canada?”
Roast Level: bum-slapping cheeky!
60) America’s new foreign policy
Roast Level: in the can.
61) America meets Hitchbot, a hitchhiking robot from Canada.
His next stop was the US, where he planned to spend the summer ticking a bunch of things off his bucket list while hitchhiking from Boston to San Francisco.
Poor little guy didn’t see what was coming next…
Roast Level: lukewarm reception.
62) Canada sends friendly robot to America, they destroy it.
“This is why nobody likes you, America.”
Roast Level: totally cut off from the rest of the world.
63) How to piss of an American the easy peasy way
“Refer to America as “South Canada” and watch as Americans lose their sh*t.”
Roast Level: yep, it’s definitely working.
64) Take some notes, ’cause this is how American Manifest Destiny works.
Since white man (future Americans) funded the US, they can’t illegally emigrate to a society they created.
“Better not go to the bathroom. White man will steal my seat and call it Manifest Destiny.”
Roast Level: smells like Manifest Manure.
65) “I love how majestic the bald eagle looks from the side.”
“Just like the United States.”
Roast Level: Hey, we’re just scared kids who didn’t have any parents while growing up!
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