We’ve all heard of drunk texting, but experts are now telling us that we now have another drinking epidemic on our hands – drunk buying!
Sure, it’s a boon to online businesses who would otherwise struggle to unload their overstock of ridiculousness. But, buying under the influence can certainly land some interesting mail days when the package shows up the door.
These 60 buzzed shoppers didn’t seem to think so, and they had no qualms about sharing their hilarious “drunk and Prime” buys with the world.
1) “Let’s all take a minute to appreciate this drunk Amazon purchase.”
This may have seemed like a good idea at the time. But, there’s something kind of nefarious about an image of a wee lil’ kitten being hurled through space.
P.S. You can find this on Amazon under “space cat shower curtain.” You’re welcome.
2) “Drunk. Got the Dominos guy to buy me McDonalds in the special instructions section.”
I’m not even sure how this can happen. He was probably so wasted, he forgot that he was actually giving the Domino’s driver his Happy Meal as a tip.
3) “Drunk me apparently decided to go online shopping again.”
Hey, drunk or not, this bag of unicorn farts is actually pretty cool. In case you’re wondering, it’s just cotton candy that’s been dipped in 100 percent pure magic.
4) “While drunk, I somehow found and bought 8 lbs of cereal marshmallows.”
The best thing about Lucky Charms is the strangely textured, yet totally addictive, marshmallows. I would buy this sober any day of the week!
5) “So I was drunk one night and added this to my amazon wish list, my mom blindly ordered stuff for Christmas.”
Just remember that what goes up, must come down. Watch your face with those spikes of death, Spidey!
6) “My wife’s very proud of her drunken purchase.”
Yeah, I’d be pretty proud of that purchase too. For just a few bucks and free Prime shipping, she gets to canoodle with Nicolas Cage every night!
7) “Giant googley eyes. The best drunk online purchase I have made yet.”
Next time you’re drunk, buy some eyelashes to go with it. Every girl out there will be oohing and ahhing over your car like it’s a cute puppy.
8) “When I was drunk I bought my dog socks off eBay.”
Awww, look at that happy puppy smile! He’s so lucky you were drunk enough to care.
9) “Sometimes late night drunken Amazon purchases are a good idea.”
I love me some sloths, but they honestly don’t make the best strippers. It takes them two days just to unhook a single notch in their bra strap!
10) “Accidentally bought my toad 100 top hats instead of one while I was drunk online shopping…”
Are you sure that you were drunk and not high? He looks like the kind of toad that you lick for a good time.
“Hello muh baby! Hello muh darling! Hello my ragtime gaaalllll….”
11) “My mom got drunk last night and bought my family a third dog. Everybody meet Hudson!”
Hey, can I borrow your mom for Christmas? I’ll supply the drinky drinks and laptop.
12) “My friend’s latest drunken eBay purchase.”
This is why I love eBay. It’s the only place where you can buy a monkey who knows which wine goes best with a plate of bananas.
13) “We also made a recent drunken amazon purchase for our cat that worked out well.”
He got lucky this time. Usually cats snub their noses at such nonsense and will jump inside the cardboard box the kitty couch came in.
14) “Went online-shopping while drunk… Now I own a jurassic-pug.”
You, my friend, are officially everyone’s favorite drunk neighbor. I would totally come ’round for a visit just to pet this adorable Tricera-Pug!
15) “Best. Drunk. Purchase. Ever. Dadbod beach towel.”
I’m all for dad bods, but just how drunk do you have to be to covet one of these towels? I’m not sure I would want to dry off my private bits with all those faces staring back at me.
16) “Friend got drunk last night and bought a scorpion. Woke up to this snapchap.”
If she doesn’t get this Scorpion King a bigger cage, I think he’s going to end her. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how big he is!
17) “Best drunken impulse purchase.”
I think he’s still drunk if he thinks this is the best buy ever. It looks like his chest is trying to grow a hairy tree.
18) “Thank you past Tipsy Sharon. #DrunkOrdering.”
David Bowie would be so proud! I’ve been saying for the longest time that there’s a real lack of androgynous role models on our athletic trainers.
19) “I have a tendency to get drunk and shop on amazon and ebay for weird stuff. Picked this guy up the other day.”
Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is this cocky squirrel with a bad nicotine habit and good taste in bandannas. Thank you.
20) “Well All That Dumb Stuff I Ordered On Amazon When I Was Zooted Came In The Mail Today. So This Is My New Look.”
If I’m ever kidnapped by space aliens, this is what I want mine to look like. Yes, even down to the barely-there chest hairs and naked feet!
21) “Hey bud, I got really drunk and bought a pig last night. Her name is Carol. Come over and meet her.”
Okay I’m going to be the unpopular one and just come out and say it. I think this was a good drunk investment. Let it mature for a few years, and you’ll have loads of bacon!
22) “Apparently I drunk ordered 11.5lbs of cheese on Sunday.”
You’re such a silly little goose. That’s a weekly grocery store purchase for me!
23) “Sober me is very very proud of drunk me.”
I’m choking up with emotions right now. This…this glorious portrait of an anthropomorphic stag making sexy-like is exactly why we must preserve the sanctity of the fine arts world.
24) “I bought this when I was drunk a week ago apparently, arrived this morning. #drunkforgetfullness”
What is it about inebriation that brings out the sloth in people? At least this sloth officer and gentleman isn’t stripping down for dollars like the shower curtain tart.
25) “Reddit- I present to you my proudest drunken eBay purchase!”
Eat off of Freddie’s face? Yasssss! I wouldn’t even hesitate to lick it clean when I was done.
“Genuine Freddie mercury memorial plate, including certificate of authenticity. Yes that is a real gold in the rim.”
26) “This was my best drunk eBay purchase.”
I always thought there was something a little bit off about people who prefer to stuff dead animals instead of playing with real live cuddly ones. But this…this makes up for all those misguided judgments!
27) “Drunk me buys myself awesome presents.”
Wait, it’s an Ice-T-shirt with Ice tea and Ice-T-cubes? Marketing geniuses never cease to amaze me!
28) “I drunk purchased a Danny DeVito life-size cutout… and a wallet phone case, but DANNY DEVITO…”
This is actually a great tool to have around the house. If your kids are as tall as Danny DeVito, then you know they can go on any Disneyland ride.
29) “Drunk Me bought Sober Me this.”
Good for sober you! I actually sling mine in two at a time, but we all have to start somewhere, honey.
30) “Best drunk purchase in a while.”
It’s totally okay if you want to come clean and admit that you were stone cold sober when you bought this.
There’s actually a growing community of men who aren’t afraid to admit they’re into dorky homegrown kitty sweaters.
31) “Having one of those, “Why did I order 100 tiny handcuffs?” moments. #drunkamazon”
More to the point, why did you have tiny rodent-sized handcuffs saved in your Amazon cart? Are you building a better mousetrap?
32) “So I drunk-bought that Nic Cage shirt that was on the FP today 3 weeks ago. Best purchase I’ve ever made.”
Whoever designed this T-shirt was obviously just as wasted as the guy who bought it. That’s just one too many crazy Nic Cage faces!
33) “One drunk Amazon purchase later…”
If the world were ruled by cats, you would actually go to jail for this. Next time, think very carefully before you “drink and Prime.”
@steamstroller:
“I love how he’s in it, because he’s a cat, but he’s resentful about it, because he is a cat.”
34) “The purchase I made from eBay whilst very drunk has arrived. (The man was not included)”
Just don’t tell your parole officer about this one. It might affect the terms of your release!
35) “DAE shop while drunk on eBay? Just got this in the mail.”
Some people invest in stock market, others invest in genie wishes. I’d ask if she rubbed it yet, but she’s probably heard that one a million times!
36) “So a drunken conversation about Batman stuff lead to this showing up at my door a few days later…”
It’s a Batgirl Bathrobe! I’m in. Where’s the secret “drunk buy” link?
37) “First night of drunk ebay…more to come.”
This is what happens when cracks in our universe open up portals to other dimensions. What will the second night of drunk ebay unleash into our precious world?
38) “Better start training then hehehe…eh”
Well, she could have done worse. She could have entered herself as “bull bait” for the Running of the Bulls in Spain.
39) “This is what happens when you Amazon drunk!”
The largest gummy bear in the world? Yassss! This is what I’d send to my drunk self for Christmas, too!
40) “Drunk bought caterpillars off amazon a couple of weeks ago. Here are all 5 little guys dreaming of being a butterfly.”
Wait, you can buy baby butterfly cocoons online? I want, I want!
41) “By FAR the best drunk purchase of my life. I have zero regrets.”
I’m still trying to figure out if this is supposed to be a pet palace for the cat, who obviously isn’t digging it, or if it’s his own private love shack?? [Cue 80’s music from The B-52’s.]
42) “What to do if you’re drunk and accidentally order communion bread off e-bay.”
Why don’t things like this ever show up in my recommended list? It might be a sin to say this, but I bet these go great with Nutella!
43) This is what happens when the offspring of Alexander Graham Bell gets a little bit tipsy.
Great! Now all he has to do is get drunk one more time so he can order a landline for these sweet babies from yesteryear.
“I have six novelty phones. If that didn’t spur from alcohol I don’t know what would. Phones include, Krusty the Clown, Coca Cola Polar Bear, Garfield, French Fry, Swatch style (clear and you can see all the wires, and Bart Simpson.”
44) “So this is quite possibly the greatest drunk Amazon purchase ever.”
I vote pinky stays out. She’d make a great drunk Dr. Evil!
“I present to you THE WINE STEIN. I’m not sure whether to sip it with my pinky out or to chug it and slam it down onto the table…”
45) “Drunken amazon order showed up today.”
Yep, he must have been totally wasted. No one ever actually buys Runts candy on purpose!
46) “MAY I PRESENT The most epic drunk purchase in the history of drunk purchases.”
She probably meant to buy “drunk Kardashian Barbie” and mistakenly bought the smart, independent, inspiring one instead. I’m totally digging Amelia’s rock’n leather outfit, BTW!
Pretty sure your toilet will be feeling it in a few hours, but whatever. Be a nugget hoarder and don’t share.
“Have you ever gotten so drunk with your friends you bought 250 nuggets, taken a picture of it, ate them, passed out, and had no memory of it? Because that’s what happened last night…”
48) Yes, this Jeff Goldblum gorilla shower curtain is actually a thing.
I don’t know which is worse: the surly look on Jeff Goldblum’s face, or the pitiful “dear God please end me now” look on the poor gorilla’s face. Either way, I think we can all agree they make it really hard to go to the bathroom.
49) “Sometimes ordering things from amazon while drunk turns out great.”
She’s absolutely right. You need something like this when it rains, so you have both hands free to hold a beer and your phone!
50) “Ordered it at 4am (drunk), forgot about it, showed up in my mailbox yesterday.”
Well, at least now we know where Gary Busey has gone to die. He’s just waiting for people to complete all their Gary Busey-themed “Amazon drunk buys” so he can finally cross over!
51) “Best drunk purchase I’ve ever made. Our lords signature.”
Yes, it’s actually true. Nicolas Cage is the Patron Saint of Drunk Purchases! This won’t be the last you see of him.
52) “Bought a cardboard cutout of the dos Equis man when I was drunk. #staythirsty #noragrats”
Now that’s high class! “I don’t always get drunk, but when I do, I order the Dos Equis man for my bedroom.”
53) “I feel like this qualifies as a successful drunk purchase?”
You are correct! You just need to get drunk again, so you can actually wear these atrocious pendants without gagging.
54) “Sometimes drunk purchases aren’t so bad.”
This Wu Tang sweatah ain’t nuttin’ to mess with! It even got some killa-beez on dat sleeve!
55) “Got drunk and went on ebay. This is the result 5 days later. Regret level = 0.”
Now that he’s done being drunk, he can enjoy the diabetic coma he ordered. If he works at a desk job, he doesn’t really need his left foot anyways.
56) “Got drunk last night and bought 16 packets of powdered milk.”
Perfect timing! You can hook up with the French Toast Crunch cereal dude and have a breakfast party.
57) “I was blackout drunk and ordered pizza under an alias last night.”
Civil rights pizza has come a long way since 1955. Hopefully he let the driver know that he would only pay for the pizza at the front door, and not the back!
58) “My sister didn’t appreciate my drunk Amazon purchase.”
Wait, there’s a book on how to make finger puppet cats with cat hairs?
59) “Got drunk on Amazon and bought the cat a house.”
While it appears she herself isn’t all that thrilled with her purchase, I’m guessing her cat totally loves it.
60) “I ordered this while drunk on Halloween… I’m not even mad…”
Looks like his drunk self wants his sober self to get drunk more often! Too bad Jager tastes like licorice-infused Nyquil. Guess it doesn’t really matter when you’re wasted!
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We’ve all heard of drunk texting, but experts are now telling us that we now have another drinking epidemic on our hands – drunk buying!
Sure, it’s a boon to online businesses who would otherwise struggle to unload their overstock of ridiculousness. But, buying under the influence can certainly land some interesting mail days when the package shows up the door.
These 60 buzzed shoppers didn’t seem to think so, and they had no qualms about sharing their hilarious “drunk and Prime” buys with the world.
