With a new year comes new chances. A new chance to remake yourself and reach your goals. That’s why people make resolutions.
They declare them before the new year and pledge to follow through with them. But that doesn’t always happen. In fact, New Year’s resolutions have pretty much become synonymous with failure.
And some people have become real sarcastic about it. Or just real hilarious about it. And, of course, they had to Tweet about it.
Here are 55 of the funniest New Year’s resolutions on the Internet:
This person is resolving to eat less spiders in their sleep. It’s actually not that hard of a thing to do. There’s a rumor that you eat up to eight spiders per year in your sleep, but some experts say
that’s just a myth.
New Year’s resolutions are about moving on from the prior year. Making changes and leaving the past behind. You better hope I don’t owe you money because that debt is getting left behind too. New year, no debt!
Let’s face it, we don’t always follow through on our New Year’s resolutions. Maybe this guy has it figured out. He made a bunch so maybe he’ll end up following through on at least one of them.
New year, new you, new wardrobe. Why not make that wardrobhe full of kaftans. They are terribly comfortable.
You asked for resolutions. He gave you resolutions. Next time be more specific.
Sometimes in life, you have to be assertive. It’s the only way you’re going to get what you want. And what you deserve.
Staying the same is technically a resolution. You’re resolving to not change. You can never go wrong with being yourself.
Do you know what it takes to get symmetrical eyebrows? One wrong tweeze and your done. If only all our eyebrows were as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie.
The New Year’s Eve kiss is a silly tradition that can make some people anxious. But you shouldn’t be. Just enjoy your night.
This man is a lover of music. And that’s why he wants to bring the vuvuzela back. It’s a plastic horn that produces a loud monotone note.
11) Ruining New Year’s Eve
What’s one way to ruin New Year’s Eve? Make some really disturbing resolutions. Then share them with your family and friends.
Most people make New Year’s resolutions to cut back on things. Not Nate. Nate is going to be drinking even more.
Why be basic when you can be extra? It makes life a lot more fun. This is how sidewalks should be crossed.
14) New Year, New… Nevermind
It’s a new year and that means a new you. But maybe not. I mean, if we’re being honest.
https://twitter.com/billy_lewis19/status/1079519034905899009?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1079519034905899009&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fruinmyweek.com%2Ftweets-memes%2Fnew-years-resolution-tweets-2019%2F
Lots of people share their New Year’s resolutions because they think it will keep them accountable. But that’s usually not the case. That’s because no one actually cares about your New Year’s resolutions.
This is hilariously clever. Giving up on her resolution is actually achieving her resolution. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Sometimes life makes a spectacle of you. Like internet viral level spectacle of you. If you had a Worldstar level year, that’s a rough year.
Running should only be reserved for times when you’re in danger. Or playing with dogs. I support this New Year’s resolution.
Not that this would change anything. He’s still going to eat those Pop-Tarts. He just wants to know what’s in them.
This is an excellent resolution. Puking is NEVER fun. At least they are recognizing that they are the one’s putting themselves in situations where they may puke.
When you have a partner, sometimes their resolutions end up as your resolutions. This man will be eating “clean.” His wife is putting them on a diet.
Need some good ideas for your New Year’s resolutions? Just monitor your behavior. You’ll have some inspiration in no time.
It’s one thing to be an outright bitch. I mean, if you have to be a bitch, can you at least be a secret bitch? At least try to keep the bitch in check.
Here we have a tweet on Jan. 1. And then a tweet by March 1. New year, same pizza, same you.
Mr. Two Pubes has a heavy New Year agenda. Including find a new identity. Which I can also assume means growing more pubes.
Is there such thing as too many tacos? I’m not sure that’s a thing. That’s why this person is exercising their right to eat more tacos.
27) Visual Representation
This is a visual representation of your New Year’s resolution. It starts off strong. Then it is abandoned about a month later.
28) New Year, Same Bullshit
It’s almost a new year. But everyone is going to be saying the same bullshit. Wait for it…
If you haven’t watched
Bird Box by now, you never will. There’s no point. It’s over.
Things get lost in translation while texting. Like your tone. Here’s to understood text messages in the new year.
31) Chapstick Free Laundry
Ever put your Chapstick through the laundry? It makes a mess. I hope this person succeeded.
This person is having a do-over New Year’s resolution. A do-over of last year’s resolutions. And the year before that.
33) Be More Sexually Active
You only live once. Why shouldn’t that life be filled with safe, consensual sexual activity? If you’re a grown up then it should be if you’re living your best damn life.
Now this is a man who really thinks about others. He isn’t leaving words out to make things easier for himself. He’s doing it so the grammer police can have something to do with their lives and Tweets to complain about.
This girl never gave up on her New Year’s resolutions. She has 25 hours left to complete them. She need needs to drop 38 pounds in those 25 hours. Any suggestions?
This girl must have had a mishap with bangs. Bangs are so easy to mess up. She’s swearing off of them.
37) Not Being Passive Aggressive
Here’s someone who actually kept their New Year’s resolution. Well, sort of. Looks like it might need some more work.
New Year’s resolutions are all about getting better. And sometimes that means looking fancier. Like wearing more fake eyelashes.
This person just won the award for “World’s Best New Year’s Resolution.” It’s a resolution we should all be making. The world would be a better place if we did.
This person is a little confused about how New Year’s resolutions work. They definitely don’t work that way. But it would be so so great if they did.
Hangovers and New Year’s Day seem to go hand-in-hand. You’d probably have to not drink at all to pull this one off. Good luck with that.
Humans aren’t the only ones making New Year’s resolutions. This pup has some goals too. He wants to take more naps.
https://twitter.com/mydogiscutest/status/947153687591481346?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E947153687591481346&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bustle.com%2Fp%2F23-hilarious-2017-new-years-resolution-tweets-that-are-real-af-7741985
Yes! This… yes! How many times have you looked at your adds on Snapchat or friends on Facebook and are like: “Who the hell is this?” Then you remember that it was the girl you met in the bathroom in the club on vacation three years ago. Enough is enough.
This is so damn funny. Because everyone you know who is into essential oils brings it up in every conversation. And they probably will until the end of time. Because they’re REALLY into essential oils.
Most of us are guilty of this. It just feels awkward to text: “Haha.” Try replacing the LOLs with a smiley emoji.
This guy has one goal. And one goal only. Stop throwing money at Disney.
Why bother starting the new year off with disappointment? You can fail any time of year. Let New Year’s just be!
You know who lives by the “New year, new me” mantra? Identity thieves. They invented that motto.
Sometimes you just need to buy bigger pants. You could lose a few pounds. Or you could just buy some new pants.
How does the new year react to problems? Do you let them persist? Or do you fix that plate in the microwave?
This is so true. Truer words about New Year’s Eve have never been spoken. This lady knows.
This guy’s resolution is to become an entrepreneur. This is a million dollar idea right here. You’d definitely be in good company at that bar.
I’m a fan of this New Year’s resolution. Fruit snacks are great. They just bring a certain kind of joy.
Apparently some people resolved to steal other people’s phones. Because this dude had his phone jacked on New Year’s. Not a fun way to start the year.
55) Hokey Pokey Addiction
New Year’s resolutions are about turning yourself around. That’s what inspired this guy’s New Year’s resolution. He pledged to get over his Hokey Pokey addiction.
