Sit a while and soak your feet. You’ll feel so rejuvenated. Or, if there is a man in the house, be very concerned about his aim. Shudder!

Do you hate having door glass since you’re afraid taller people are going to be able to look in your home? Ha! Fooled them!

I’m sorry, but there is no way I’m sitting on that toilet seat. Who wants insects—even if it is just pictures of them—that close to their bare lady bits? Certainly no one with an overactive imagination.

I will admit that at the end of a long day I love to sit in a hot bath. Maybe with a glass of wine. And I may think something along the lines of, “I could live here.” But writing home on the walls? Nope.

Well, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said a firm mattress… It looks like someone from the cavemen ages lives here. To each their own I guess. You won’t catch me sleeping on these rocks though.

You know those things that cat owners have so their cats claw it instead of the furniture? Is this a life-size replica?

The delicate pink butterfly in the background. That lamp thing in the foreground. That giant lamp thing that’s either carrying helmets or a boombox. Let’s not miss the beads—and maybe the flag?

Have you ever had to take a cold shower for whatever reason? It’s really unpleasant, and that’s putting it mildly. I wonder if that’s why this person thought a fireplace in the shower would be a good idea.

This is certainly up for argument. Whether an old Chevy pickup—or at least part of one—is really a beautiful choice and whether that same partial pickup is a good choice as a bed frame.

It could use a little work, but it has a huge selling feature. It comes with a mother-in-law suite. Plus, a door to her own private deck.

First, who lives here? Some 7-foot-tall basketball player? Because most people will not be able to see themselves in that mirror. Secondly, who in their right mind puts a mantle in the bathroom?

There’s no way you’d be able to hear the TV over the sound of the washing machine. Personally, water and suds don’t really belong around the electricals. This is just a nightmare waiting to happen.

So, you don’t want your fireplace. I’m sure there are better ways than this to deal with it. Like removing the mantle and covering that stone.

Those who arrive early get to watch from our custom-made viewing platform. And we’re sorry, but the rocking horse doesn’t have the best viewing angle.

I don’t mean to offend anyone, but is this what we mean by gender fluid? Is this a representation? That’s about the only explanation I can come up with.

Captain and the Missus are fine seafaring folk. They love to sleep amid the crashing waves and under the constellations. But don’t worry, they have a sextant handy.

If you weren’t some sort of lunatic—are we still allowed to say that?—to start off with, living in this nightmare would quickly turn you into one. Before long, you will be twitching and drooling.

When decorating, it’s a good idea to hire a pro. Especially if you don’t have a clue. They could share things with you like the fact there are slide-in ranges for situations like this. Or even better, a stovetop and oven drawer.

Nice big island in the middle of the kitchen? Check. Legs and feet that stick out far enough to constantly trip out the legs and feet trying to walk around it? Check.

You know, I thought the mantle up against the bathroom wall was bad. This piano/range hood hanging on the kitchen wall is definitely worse.

I was so caught up in the horror that is that bathroom, I nearly missed something. There are clothes hanging in the windows that look like they are part of the window coverings. Are they part of the windows coverings?

Ladies, I have a question for you. If you were interested in a man, and you found out this was his bed, how fast and how far would you run?

“I really want an island there.” “Sorry, ma’am. Those are weight-bearing joists.” “But I really want an island there.” “Yes, ma’am. But as I said, those joists are necessary.” “But I really want an island there.” The contractor throws his hands in the air. “Fine, whatever.”

And I guess other people pretend to ice fish as they sit on the toilet. And that there are dead fish littering the ground around them. Makes sense to me.

I know you’re thinking someone got crazy with Photoshop, but this is the real deal. Basketballs on the counter and some crazy-ass island made from what? A shattered remnant of granite?

Or maybe one of the Disney Princesses? The walls are bad enough. Then let’s add the sheers and the multicolored cushions and it looks like a box of crayons puked.

Is that entire bathroom covered in carpet? Or velour blankets? Towels? I really can’t tell. And honestly, does it even matter? If a man uses that, he’d better have perfect aim.

Perhaps there’s a method to this madness. If you don’t want people lingering in your powder room, this is surely the way to go. It’s freakish and a little bit scary.

The DNA strand columns? The fact that they’re not centered around the door? The fact that nothing seems to be centered? Check out the house number and the porch light. Oh, and that door does not go with that house.

When did we start taking the open concept floor plan to a whole new level? The Jacuzzi tub in the kitchen is brilliant. Or is it the other way? A kitchen in the bathroom?

So, despite the violent orange, this bathroom is just a little too basic. I really think they could take it up a notch with the right choices in towel bars, towels, and some really awesome rugs. And don’t get me started on that bare window.

City living is tough when you grew up surrounded by all those open spaces. All those barnyard animals. Clearly, there’s something you can do. You can have the best of both worlds.

Can you imagine bathing in that room? And the hideous walls aren’t even the biggest issue. Look at that tub! It’s all rough and sharp. No one I know wants to have their flesh pierced while bathing. To each his own, I guess.

You know how the light hurts your eyes when you turn in on in the morning? If it’s still dark when you get up? This is the equivalent. Most people would need to slam their eyes shut when they walked into this room. All that, plus a checkered tile floor. 😵

I’ve never really thought about this before, but now I am. What mood should your kitchen inspire? A kitchen is often a place of gathering, so I’m thinking along the lines of comfort. This inspires angst and tension. And a whole lot of horror.

I’m not sure what this room is, but I’m guessing some sort of wine cellar. If your aim is for people not to linger, this interior design is dead on. I think those people painted on the wall are running away screaming, not singing.

You know how real estate agents say kitchens and bathrooms mean the most when it comes to resale? Have you noticed how many of these pictures are kitchens and bathrooms? What are people thinking?

This looks like a reception area. I feel like there should be a hostess standing there too, ready to take your coat. What’s the correct protocol? Do you leave a tip when you are in someone’s home?

Are these people completely stupid? This goes way beyond bad design ideas; this is near-certain death for someone in that pool or below it. There will be a weight calculation for that balcony, and you can be sure this far exceeds it!

Okay, at first, I thought this was a courtyard. You know, outside the house, leading to the front door. But nope. This seems to be inside the front entrance. And everyone wants the front door blocked by a firepit, right?

Who thought this would be a good idea? Statistics show an alarming amount of injuries that happen in the home happen while getting out of the bath. So why would you make it 100 times more dangerous? You need to be a circus performer to get out of this tub.

I envision a bathroom with a soaker, Jacuzzi tub to have a measure of tranquility. It should sooth. And while blue is known to be one of the soothing colors, this bathroom just makes me anxious. I mean, are there sharks too?

You know that famous painting by Edvard Munch called The Scream? For some reason that’s the first thing that popped into my head when I saw this kitchen. It’s the purple and blue smears that did it. Ironically, that painting is supposed to indicate anxiety, which is exactly what those cabinets make me feel.

Having said that, I think this might be someone’s idea of a home theater. Let’s forget the fact there are appliances there for a moment. Don’t the curtains, the screen, and the thing that might be a wannabe Oscar in front of it make you think of a movie theater? And that might be a projector or a vacuum cleaner hanging from the ceiling.

Let’s ignore the ugly ass kitchen, okay? Let’s just address the dishwasher in the wall. Yes, in case you missed it, there is a dishwasher in the wall. If you’ve ever loaded a dishwasher, raise your hands. Now, think about where you’re typically standing, given the door takes up about 3 feet of space in front. Are they standing on the counters to load that thing?

First, I’m not a fan of yellow. Most certainly not yellow in my kitchen. But I digress. I hope they plan to grow old and die in that house because no one is going to buy it with that stupid kitchen. And while there may be valid reasons from having the dishwasher a little higher, this is just fugly. On so many levels.

Cave dwellers? The Flintstones? Pebbles and Bam Bam all grown up and married? All I can say is those door frames must be incredibly strong not to cave under that pressure.

I’m a little afraid. There was something like an electric shock that hit me when I saw this kitchen, and now I’m pretty much speechless. Maybe I had a stroke? I’m sorry, but I have nothing to say about this abomination, so you’ll have to talk amongst yourselves. I need to go look at something pretty for a while—or bleach my eyes. I’ll be back when my brain starts functioning again.

Anyone else suddenly having issues with their breathing? The air quality in this room is atrocious. Now, who in their ever-loving mind would decorate with mold? That looks so creepy and disgusting.

These creepy stairs lead up to the moldy room just upstairs. The one you just saw. A serial killer lives in this house, and he likes to collect hair and make carpets out of it. He also hides the bodies under the trapdoor in the moldy room. Hence, the mold.

Well, this musician is a real doozy… But I guess this what dedication looks like. I just hope they’re washing their hands before hitting the keys.

This looks like it could be Dr. Evils bathroom. It certainly isn’t the most inviting place to take a bubble bath. But maybe that’s the whole idea, to scare off any intruders that want to take a bath?

When I hop into bed, the last thing I want to see is some big stinky feet. Not sure what this person was thinking when they were looking for a headboard… probably a foot fetish thing.