50 outrageous texts from insane neighbors

Maybe you’ve won the neighbor lottery and the people who live near you are nothing but friendly. Even better (for some of us), maybe they mind their own business and let you get on with your life without interfering! But if you’re like the rest of us, you’ve probably had at least a couple truly terrible neighbors.

This is doubly true if you live — or have ever lived — in an apartment. Apartment living has its benefits, but you’re also living very close to all of your neighbors. In fact, you’re sharing walls, ceilings, and floors with them!

Living in an apartment, especially one with thin walls usually means getting quite a bit of insight into your neighbors’ lives, whether you actually talk to them or not. You might hear phone calls, TV shows, fights, music, and (please no) some hanky-panky. And of course, it’s always the neighbor right above you who walks the loudest.

But you don’t have to live in an apartment to have terrible neighbors. Whether they’re stingy about anything coming into their yard or get a little too close for comfort, these neighbors have made it into the Awful Neighbor Hall of Fame with these texts. Thank goodness they don’t live near me!

1. Shots were fired.

You’ve got to be a special kind of person to get this upset — or upset at all, really — over a child’s toy TOUCHING your lawn. In fact, if you’re that kind of person, you probably deserve the nickname “A-hole Dan.”

2. She has a name.

I get that some people have germaphobia or aren’t animal lovers — but seriously, it’s not your pet and not your house. If you think pigs are dirty, just don’t have a pig. Let them enjoy their pet in peace.

3. Going make the neighborhood barbecue real awkward.

I’ll admit it’s pretty inconsiderate to run a chainsaw at 7:00 in the morning, but it’s also pretty extreme to tell someone they hope their house burns down. Ashley might want to avoid this extremist in the street.

4. Who does this?

There’s being friendly with your neighbors and there’s being just a little too familiar with them. Borrowing a coat and then claiming it for their own falls under the latter category. Also, come on — grow up.

5. Ouch, that stings.

A couple of things here. First, it sounds like Missy, Alexa, and some other girls in the neighborhood are part of a local friend group and there’s some mean girl-level exclusion going on. Second, who sends out invitations for a sleepover?

6. Let’s focus here.

Ah, the old “kid got my phone” excuse to pretend you weren’t being a weirdo. At least this texter is willing to forgive and move past the awkward moment. They must really need that white vinegar.

7. A little too close for comfort.

Look, in the modern world, we have many ways to find out what the temperature is. You can use the internet, the Weather Channel, or an app on your phone. Maybe try one of those before you resort to texting “3C.”

8. Pro tip: don’t ask to “borrow” children.

Obviously, there are holes in this guy’s plan. Eventually, that girl’s probably going to wonder where his kid went, right? But also, don’t ever ask to borrow someone’s child to lie to a date. That’s beyond creepy.

9. This is called a double standard.

This is like when you were little and you heard your parents arguing. Your mom called your dad a jerk but the minute you said it, it was all “Don’t disrespect your father.” Wait, that didn’t happen in your house?

10. The saga of the coat.

Hey, guess what: dry cleaner rules don’t apply to you if you’re not, you know, a DRY CLEANER. How far is this person willing to go to get a free (stolen) coat?

11. Thanks for the advice.

It’s never okay to tell someone to kill themselves. But the guy WAS over the line here in so many ways. First, passion and fighting are not the same. Second, mind your own business, you creep!

12. …wow.

Creepy neighbor: if your dog comes onto this person’s property and hurts their dog, you are going to be liable for that. Dogs have the right to walk around their owner’s yard. #Lawsuit #TooBad #SoSad

13. Dude, mind your business.

It’s hard to relate to drunk people when you’re sober, but that doesn’t mean you need to be so rude. Bottom line, no one asked for your opinion so you kind of deserved the answer you got.

14. The local glue enthusiast.

To be fair, there’s more than one type of glue. And also, yeah, you do have to clarify the type of glue you need because the word could refer to anything from crafting glue to superglue to wood glue. So, wait, who’s the weirdo in this one?

15. There are plenty of solutions here.

Some apartments have really thin walls, making it a pain to avoid listening in on your neighbors whether you want to or not. But if you’re this averse to spoilers, how about watching a TV show, listening to some music, or going out for a while? It’s not hard.

16. ELLEN IS TALKING.

Neighbor conflicts aren’t just about property battles. There are also never-ending arguments over parking spaces. But be a grown-up and pick your fights carefully! Especially if your beef about parking interferes with The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

17. Bottom line: stop.

You should only call your neighbor this number of times and then rap on their window if it’s a serious, serious, SERIOUS emergency. If you do it at 2:00 in the morning, you better be coming to tell me that my house is on fire.

18. Dude, no.

This neighbor is completely shameless in their efforts to get a cheap pizza. Apparently, it’s an ongoing problem. Pro-tip, pun intended: if you don’t have the money for a tip, you shouldn’t be ordering food.

19. Just leave my parrot alone!

Judging by their neighbor’s response, I can’t really blame the person for lying about the parrot at first. Parrots can be kind of squawky, but it has to be really bad before it becomes a real problem for others in the building.

20. So, a sandwich emergency.

I’m not sure what qualifies as a “cheese emergency,” but I’m going to hazard a guess that “Want a grilled cheese sandwich” doesn’t fall under that category. And come on, why don’t you have bread in the house? Bread’s a staple.

21. This is actually completely fair.

This is actually the law in many places. If you have a fruit tree, anyone can claim the fruit that falls onto public property — or, of course, onto their own property. And really, how many avocados does one person need?

22. There are several solutions here.

Sure, having a car alarm is nice, but you know what’s way nicer? Not having your car alarm go off every hour. No one’s going to steal your car, dude. Just fix your alarm.

23. Nice try.

If you’re going to be a mooch, you’ve got to own it. No one appreciates someone trying to pull a fast one over on them under the guise of being nice. So much for the oh-so-friendly offer!

24. Sorry, Ethan in 5G.

Ah, Ethan is trying to pull the old “I had a dream about you” line. Luckily, the person he was texting saw right through his shenanigans and shut him down immediately. He then had the guts to ask a second time.

25. Just keep buckling down.

I don’t know why you would lie about this unless that’s your landlord asking about it. And seriously, who’s going to fall for this when the people staying with you are clearly way too young to be your parents? Why not say siblings or cousins?

26. How many lemons do you need?

For a pitcher of lemonade with the appropriate ratios of sugar and water, you need about six lemons. Those girls must have been planning a lemonade selling extravaganza for the amount of lemonade they made.

27. The music hater.

It’s fair enough to politely ask a neighbor to turn their music down, but complaining about TWO replays of a song is a little much. And what was the point of throwing all those sarcastic jabs about their relationship in there?

28. Zero stars for neighborliness.

I’ve never wondered about this before but looking at this, I think this is the tried and true method of making sure no one ever brings you any food ever again. Especially not this neighbor, who didn’t ask to be rated.

29. This is the only good response.

Some people have a fear of rodents that could conceivably lead to a response like this. But this comedy of errors is a LOT to take in with one text. Ryan might want to take a chill pill and some aspirin for his foot.

30. The neighbor who’s never heard of asking nicely.

You know what’s a great way of getting what you want? Not being a rude jerk about it. There wasn’t any need to complain about neighbors enjoying music in the first place, but complaining about their song choices is downright rude.

31. Creepy Steve just got creepier.

Sometimes, the contact name says it all. Creepy Steve lives up to his reputation by explaining that he “looks through the peephole a lot.” Stop doing that, Steve. Get a job.

32. So this is what it’s like to live with an incel.

Normally, this would be a kind of rude response, but I get the feeling this isn’t the first time that Steve in 4B has made this woman uncomfortable. And geez, he’s asking for mac and cheese and her car.

33. I’m your neighbor, not your friend.

The words “neighbor” and “friend” are not synonymous. In the best-case scenario, your neighbors might become your friends! But ultimately, you just need to live peacefully side by side. If someone says you’re crossing a line, back off!

34. Lisa knows how to backpedal.

This is kind of an odd question without the follow-up: “You’re invited to come to enjoy the party, too!” Really, Lisa? They’re just expected to lose their driveway for an evening and you’re not even going to invite them?

35. You tried.

This person clearly has some problems beyond regular neighbor unfriendliness. It was an odd, spontaneous attack and the text recipient responded the only way they really could: by correcting her grammar.

36. Problems require solutions.

Either this neighbor is really, really annoying and the other neighbor is justified in complaining, or they just complain all the time. If they complain as much as it seems like they do, this is kind of a perfect solution. Do diapers come in size 30?

37. Replying in kind.

Sometimes, close-quarter living has its drawbacks. You’re not going to avoid hearing the occasional noise from your neighbor’s apartment. But we all have to coexist at least politely, so what’s the point in complaining about a TV?

38. Well, I mean…

Again, living close together means you’re going to overhear some unwanted things. There was no reason for this nosy Nellie to be rude about their neighbor’s private life, and the neighbor responded in the best way possible.

39. Everyone loves that game!

To be fair, little kids can be pretty loud and shrill. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it described in such colorful language before. I might have to add this to my regular usage.

40. No, it’s not.

Okay, this is really weird. The only not strange way to do anything like this is to wait a day or two and then ask for the recipe. Just cool your jets and listen to the dog meme, Mario.

41. CALL THE POLICE.

I cannot believe there are people in the world like Rob in 5F who thinks this is okay. He’s literally breaking into someone’s house to steal their food because he can’t be bothered to stock his own fridge.

42. What do you have against not being a weirdo?

You know what you can do if you want to play with a dog but don’t want to own one? You can volunteer at an animal shelter, visit a pet shop, or become a veterinarian. Or you could, you know, grow up and accept the responsibility of pet ownership.

43. Death by bagel might be worth it.

This comes across like a thinly-veiled Loony Toon plot to murder someone that every other character sees through immediately. But apparently, Psycho Sasha is bad at both murder AND sharing food.

44. Melissa doesn’t want to say hi.

I get it: some people don’t like small talk. That’s not a bad thing at all! But really, is it too much to just say “hi”? That’s simple politeness and it takes absolutely no effort.

45. This neighbor really hates windchimes.

Windchimes can get a little annoying if they’re very loud and chiming incessantly. But this person has a vendetta against them that’s getting a bit out of hand. Fortunately, the windchime owner has a great response.

46. That’s an expensive burrito.

Ryan’s hit upon the worse way to ask someone out AND to borrow $20 at the same time. Let’s add “worst at being a neighbor” to that list, because let’s be real — Ryan deserves it.

47. Leave me alone, Lisa.

For some reason, Lisa’s convinced this neighbor has all the information she needs about the termite truck that’s blocking her driveway. It might be annoying to have this happen but it’s CRIMINAL to ruin a good grilled cheese.

48. The hugs and kisses really sell it.

Come on, Helen, everyone stopped using text signatures five years ago. It really undermines your threats of legal actions when you’re also kissing and hugging with every threat. And of course, the worst threat of all — banning someone from the cul-de-sac barbecue!

49. Persistence is the key.

Cole has one strategy and one strategy alone: the straight sell. Maybe he’s trying to do one of those repetition tricks. If you just say it enough, she might finally be convinced!

50. Social media is hard.

I’m going to go ahead and guess that this person is a baby boomer who hasn’t quite gotten the hang of social media. Who knew that LinkedIn was doing business with the Corleone family these days?

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