Women have a reputation for not being funny. We’re not sure why, because these 50 women had us in stitches with their poignant, insightful, and downright hilarious tweets over the course of the year. Whether they were commenting on the relationship between men and women, wondering why online recipes are so dang long, or talking about what it’s like to be female in 2018 America, they didn’t hold back from some hard-hitting commentary.
Let’s face it: Being a woman in America right now is hard. There are a lot of frustrating things going on, from the #metoo movement to young women still wondering when men will take them seriously. Sometimes, it seems like women just can’t win.
There’s a lot of judgment from society telling us that everything we do, say, or wear is just plain wrong. But it’s always good to handle tough situations with humor, and these ladies found out that Twitter is the perfect place to do that. It takes a lot of talent to get us laughing in 280 characters.
Let’s ring out the Old Year with a good dose of humor, commiserating about dating and nipple rings. Here are the 50 funniest tweets from women in 2018.
1. Remember: In a crisis, do not touch your hair.
Why do women always feel the need to make big physical changes when they’re upset? Whenever a drastic situation happens, the automatic response is to go to a salon or, God forbid, grab the scissors yourself. This is a public service announcement: Don’t ever trim in a moment of high emotion.
2. Do yourself AND her a favor, gentlemen.
Your selfies aren’t just seen by the girl you send them to. If she likes you, she’s going to be showing them to all her friends. So, for both your sakes, make sure you learn how to take a good picture — her friends are watching out for her and judging just a little bit.
3. John Mulaney was right — teens are mean.
No wonder high school left all of us with burning resentment and a need for long-term individual therapy. Teenagers are just about the meanest people in all of existence, because they have no filters and strike where it hurts. Think about that the next time you go up against an eighth-grader.
4. Chick-Fil-A has your back.
There’s a reason almost everyone loves Chick-Fil-A and why it has a reputation for being a step above other fast food. The service is phenomenal, the food is out of this world, and the staff always knows when you need something in particular. It’s like going for lunch at your grandma’s house — Grandma always knew when you needed a milkshake.
5. We were a family!
Here’s the awkward thing about when your friends start dating jerks: Now, you have to put up with them, too. Either you’ve got to deal with your friend’s relationship crises, or you have to pretend like you like her annoying boyfriend. Think about that next time you start a relationship!
6. This father needs to check himself.
We won’t stereotype here; there are plenty of men who understand clothes and fashion. But this father is clearly not one of them — or at least, he has no clue when it comes to women’s clothing sizes. Thinking his tiny little daughter could fit into this gigantic coat is a crime.
7. Well … she said it, not me.
I’ll be honest, I don’t think any of us were expecting this tweet to go there. But that’s exactly what makes it so hilarious. I bet you weren’t expecting that to be her plan all along, were you, Dave … but we won’t ask why the two of them are no longer dating.
8. Can we say “double standards” much?
We’re not sure why something like this is so hard for some people to understand, but this Twitter user sums it up particularly well. With any luck, Millie Weaver will realize that her logic has a tiny discrepancy. At least, we can always hope that she might be able to make that connection.
9. 2018 was a stressful year for the female demographic.
Let’s be honest: There were a lot of reasons for women to be mad in 2018. From the #metoo movement to the humiliation of certain female politicians to the fact that we still don’t get paid as much as men, you could say we’re a little bit salty. This Twitter user found a colorful way to sum it up.
10. Keeping up with the times.
Some people say that Americans are clueless when it comes to other languages. But in our defense, when you print a two-word foreign phrase three times as one word on a T-shirt, you can’t really blame us for getting confused. This shirt just makes me feel like I’m not keeping up with the kids anymore.
11. Let me tell you why you’re joking wrong.
Some men love to tell women why they’re bad at things. In this case, it’s joking — almost like they think that if women are too funny, men don’t get to be funny anymore. Cool your jets, guys: You still dominate the comedy world (though I wouldn’t get too comfortable there if I were you).
12. Also, you’re fishing wrong.
If you’re a woman, don’t even try to be good at a task traditionally dominated by men, like fishing, hunting, or sports. They were there first, and they claimed it. No one else is allowed to enjoy it, unless, maybe, they pretend not to be very good at it first.
13. But what about the female rattlesnakes?
Remember, everyone: Don’t touch rattlesnakes without their permission, because they really don’t like it. They’ll make it easy for you to recognize when they’re unhappy: They’ll rear up, rattle their tail, and bear their fangs so that you know they mean business. Oh, and while you’re at it, treat women the exact same way.
14. This is really the best kind of colorful language.
How is it that descriptive language like this puts a perfect image in our heads of the kind of person she’s talking about? This just goes to show that you don’t need to swear to get your point across. Just make sure you use all your best one-liners out in public, so other people can record them on Twitter.
15. Let’s be honest, Brenda — we don’t care about your childhood memories.
We’ve all been down this road. We just want a solid recipe for some dairy-free chocolate cookies, but first, we have to hear someone’s entire life story. I’m thrilled that these cookies remind you of baking with your grandmother, but just tell me how many cups of sugar I need.
16. I don’t even work in retail, and I want to see this.
Even if you’ve been so blessed as to never work behind a cash register, you probably have heard the horror stories of working in retail. For every college student making minimum wage, there are 100 irate grannies who want to know why you won’t accept their expired coupon. I’d camp out in a Walmart just to watch this.
17. We just don’t want them to hate us, OK?
Say whatever you want about millennials: They have a heck of a reputation to live up to. They’re also not exactly used to getting a fair wage in exchange for their work. Between the two, they might sometimes have a hard time speaking up … after all, what’s a little starvation between friends?
18. As if we needed something else to make dating harder.
Let’s get this straight: If you have celiac disease or a gluten allergy, you get to be gluten-free. Otherwise, you’re just jumping on a fad diet that has taken way too many years to die already. Besides, if you choose to eat gluten-free and you don’t have to for medical reasons, I’m not sure I want to be your friend.
19. Let’s talk about that, Mom.
Quick, let’s think of some excuses we could tell her. Don’t worry, Mom, they’re not nipple piercings; it was just a glitch on the X-ray machine or something the doctor drew on the chart. Would it make you feel better if we just said I was implanted with technology by the government?
20. If you can’t water a houseplant, how do you get through life, huh? HUH?
Everyone knows that people on the internet can find anything to get upset about, but houseplants are a new one. God forbid anyone makes an honest mistake about how much to water a tree. These people know she was talking about a fig tree, not a live human child, right?
21. The men have it really hard.
No, let’s really concentrate on this one: Women have to worry about how they come across at every moment. That man who everyone sees as take-charge and a great leader would be called aggressive and unfeminine if he were a woman. You can stop wondering why every woman you know is self-conscious.
22. We’re just really tired of purses, OK?
Women’s clothes are unendingly frustrating. Not only do clothing manufacturers seem to think our bodies aren’t shaped like, well, bodies, but there also is an extreme lack of pockets. Try finding out that the new jeans you just bought have fake pockets and then tell me that you wouldn’t be just a little bit angry.
23. You can claim you don’t, but every woman can relate.
Those couple of weeks of summer where the heat gets extreme are the absolute worst. But women with large chests are suffering in ways that make being out in public extra awkward. Because, yes, if you were wondering, everything IS sweating, and all I want is for it to be January.
24. Stop giving me solutions to my problems, Brian.
Bless their hearts, but our significant others sometimes get confused when we’re upset. Yes, we may be ranting and raving, and you probably think we want you to help us solve our problems. You couldn’t be more wrong; we just want to be upset, and we want you to tell us that we’re right about it.
25. There’s no bond deeper than that made in a bar bathroom.
Drunk girls are just the best — as long as they’re in the right mood. Catch them in a bathroom, and you never know where the encounter will go. You might start talking about your love lives, get your hair French-braided, get offered makeup and life advice, or make a new best friend.
26. Wait, go on — I’m listening.
How is it that we’ve all seen 20 Hallmark movies, and they all have the exact same plot? Are the scriptwriters under a two-day deadline whenever they work on those stories, or is it just a formula they know not to challenge? Either way, you know you’ll end up watching at least one with your extended family over the holidays.
27. Dating is the worst.
Once you’re out of the dating world, it is not something you miss. Dating is just the worst, but we all have to pretend that we enjoy it — meeting people, setting up details, going out, getting to know one another, being nervous, and then … either staying together or breaking up. No one likes it, so can we all stop faking?
28. It’s not a command, it’s just a public service announcement.
We’re just saying, flowers are pretty expensive, and they don’t last very long. Sure, they’re pretty, but does anyone really get more enjoyment out of them than, say, a rotisserie chicken? Because those things are delicious, and they last for a couple of meals — well, for most people, at least.
29. Just go ahead and redefine all your expectations about true love.
OK, this is actually really sweet. Ultimately, one of the best things you can look for in a significant other is someone who really loves to talk to you. This girl hit the jackpot with a guy who writes it all down, so he can be 100 percent prepared when they finally have some alone time.
30. Niceness doesn’t come in unlimited doses.
Some careers, like nursing, require you to deal with people all day, every day. That can take a toll on a person, especially if they’re not allowed to let people see their true feelings. It definitely makes sense that at the end of the day, you might not have any more niceness left.
31. Stop sharing your knowledge with me.
This woman was just trying to share a punny joke, but she got annoyed by an elitist response. I mean, the guy was right — koalas are marsupials, but the joke went over his head. It looks like when it comes to puns, honors students are a bit “over-koalified” to be part of the fun.
32. There’s always a reason to be extremely anxious.
It’s impossible to keep up with everything in life, especially when it comes to important paperwork. You can try to put it all in one drawer or box, but you’ll still have those occasional heart-stopping moments where you wonder: How long can you go without a social security card, really?
33. This is pretty cruel on old Gramps’ part.
The silent treatment doesn’t work when you need some pickles. Grandpa has learned over many years that when it comes to delicious vinegary vegetables, his wife will always need him. You call it manipulative, but Grandpa and I call it resourceful — also, extremely observant of how much Grandma likes pickles.
34. Wait, I don’t get it…
When guys expect girls to be dumb, there’s so much fun to be had. This Twitter user really went for it when she dared to pretend she thought Harvard was a local community college. Let’s be clear — Harvard is actually the oldest university in the United States (in case you didn’t know).
35. A lot happens in the breakroom.
You might not hang out with them much, but that’s because you see for eight hours a day, five days a week. What’s more, those coffee breaks can reveal some pretty dark secrets over the years. I think there was a British-turned-American TV sitcom about it that got pretty popular.
36. Just keeping you on your toes, honey.
I mean, it’s technically true, so you can’t call your wife out on it. It’s not something you could ever call her out on in a court of law after you LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP FOR THE 100TH TIME. She wasn’t threatening you … just reminding you how lucky you are to have her.
37. The beans just understand me.
Most people aren’t great at taking care of themselves. There are too many quick and easy fixes to help you get through your day — like hot caffeinated water that gives you pretend energy and tastes delicious. It’s so much easier than getting a regular eight hours of sleep every night.
38. Because clothes are too expensive.
Maybe if every one of us had a million dollars, we could buy everything we wanted in every store. As it is, we’ve got to content ourselves with touching things and saying how much we like them. You can always just count on winning the lottery one day … it could happen, probably.
39. You’ll never understand the lengths we go to for our hair.
Why is hair so complicated? Why is it that something that looks amazing on one woman looks absolutely ridiculous on another, and why do we need so many products for frizz and tangles and smoothing and straightening? Sometimes, it seems like it would almost be worth it to go bald.
40. It’s going to get really awkward when it’s time to apply for internships.
Did no one vet this poor girl’s student email address before they approved it? That’s the email that she’ll be using to do everything from email professors to take part in group projects. That’s four years of being saddled with some seriously awkward emails, so let’s hope she graduates on time.
41. You can ask us. We’re right here.
We’re just saying, it’s probably always a good idea to ask both a man and a woman about any sort of abstract design before you release it to market. This book is a classic, and it’s probably on some student’s required reading list. It’s going to get a lot of snickers in English 101 from approximately half the class.
42. This is your answer to, “Why do you have so many bottles in the shower?”
We’re not sure if it’s just the beauty industry really taking advantage of their customer base or if women’s bodies are that much more complex. But now I’m also worried about the products I use AND the products I don’t use. Is there something wrong with my elbows that I don’t know about?
43. It’s got to be a conspiracy.
Plenty of people are sensitive about their looks, but there are some days when everyone from your mother to the grocery store cashier can tell you: You’re looking like a million bucks. But that forward-facing camera? Like the mean girl in middle school, it will make sure you feel ugly.
44. Check carefully for a fedora, ladies.
If you’ve ever interacted with a strange man on the internet, you have, unfortunately, probably, almost definitely run into someone like this. We’re not saying that every guy who uses an awkward phrase is someone you want to run away from. We’re just saying that it’s a short leap from “females” to “milady.”
45. No, I’m serious. Save yourselves.
Every young person in the United States heard how important it was for them to vote during the midterm elections in November 2018. But what started out as a kind of funny joke has now progressed into a real-life scary movie. It’s all fun and games until we’re living in a dystopian YA flick.
46. Just take yourself off the email list already.
Believe me, if women could just stop all the period nonsense already, they would. It’s no fun to deal with on a monthly basis — yes, monthly, in case you somehow missed that memo. If anyone wants to point me in the direction of the “unsubscribe” button, I’ll go on my happy way…
47. Let me guess — there’s nothing in the fridge.
If you’ve ever been to a guy’s bachelor pad, you’ll know it immediately. The fridge only has beer and leftover Chinese takeout, you can’t find the trash can, and things like towels don’t seem to be all that important. Oh, but there is a killer video game system in case you’re into “Fortnite.”
48. Dad didn’t care, but at least he made an effort.
This was always your mom’s idea, because she wanted your dad to see just how adorable you were in your new school clothes. As for your dad, he really just wanted to watch ESPN and take a nap. But he loved you (and knew it would make your mom happy), so he pretended to be into it.
49. You better not be putting the eggs at the bottom of the bag.
That’s right: One of these days, you’re going to be doing the exact same things that your mom used to do that embarrassed the heck out of you. In your defense, you had an extremely specific storage plan and that cashier is DOING IT WRONG. Now, it’ll take you forever to find your hummus.
50. No, seriously, the planet is in trouble.
Is this commentary on how difficult it is to date these days or is it a serious message about the state of our planet’s oceans? You decide, but both are equally true. Dating is hard and sometimes painful and scary … but also, dude, start recycling your plastic bottles already.
50 Of The Most Hysterical Tweets From Women In 2018 That Every Woman Can Relate To
Cedric Jackson
12.10.18
Women have a reputation for not being funny. We’re not sure why, because these 50 women had us in stitches with their poignant, insightful, and downright hilarious tweets over the course of the year. Whether they were commenting on the relationship between men and women, wondering why online recipes are so dang long, or talking about what it’s like to be female in 2018 America, they didn’t hold back from some hard-hitting commentary.
Let’s face it: Being a woman in America right now is hard. There are a lot of frustrating things going on, from the #metoo movement to young women still wondering when men will take them seriously. Sometimes, it seems like women just can’t win.
There’s a lot of judgment from society telling us that everything we do, say, or wear is just plain wrong. But it’s always good to handle tough situations with humor, and these ladies found out that Twitter is the perfect place to do that. It takes a lot of talent to get us laughing in 280 characters.
Let’s ring out the Old Year with a good dose of humor, commiserating about dating and nipple rings. Here are the 50 funniest tweets from women in 2018.