45 Strangers answer the question: “What’s the worst marriage advice you’ve ever heard?”

1. Never go to bed angry

No one could have a peaceful resolution with both parties still enraged with each other. Sometimes it’s better to sleep it off, refresh, and see how it is in the morning. If the fight is still serious, at least you can talk about it with a clearer mind.

Folks who’ve been married: what’s the WORST marriage advice you’ve ever received?

I’ll start: “Never go to bed angry.” Sometimes that’s exactly what you should do. You’re both tired & at your worst! Get some sleep. Wake up. Eat together. See if the argument is still so serious.

— Samuel Perry (@socofthesacred) August 1, 2020

2. If you don’t want to, don’t.

Your body is yours to take care of, and if you don’t want to do things people urge you to do, your decision will always be absolute. Don’t believe people who think it’s okay to let your partner have total control over your body. It’s okay to deny your partner if you don’t feel like it.

One of my friends was told by her mother on her wedding day, “Never deny your husband because your body is not yours.”

— Kim Bakaev (@kbakaev) August 1, 2020

3. One of the worst advice

This is not like surprising your dad by getting a puppy that he always tells you how much he hates. Surprising your husband even though he made it clear he doesn’t want to have children would lead to a serious problem. Might as well cut off your friendship with the person giving this advice without him/her knowing.

My husband & I don’t want children. About 8 or so years ago, a coworker misconstrued that this was just my husband’s idea. She suggested I stop taking my birth control without telling him, and he’d somehow end up being happy about it when we had a baby. Seriously, WTF??😳😳

— April Skinner (@aprilskinnerNNP) August 1, 2020

4. Anyone could do it

There is no such thing as “women” chores and “men” chores. You could do all chores as long as you’re capable of it. This gender division is simply outrageous.

That I have to do all the “women’s chores,” (babies, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, etc) and Jason has to do the “men’s chores” (taking out the trash and the lawn). In real life, you both pitch in as able and you both take care of the kids.

— Jennifer Greenberg 🦌 (@JennMGreenberg) August 1, 2020

5. Ignorant about healthy relationships

Fighting and misunderstanding is part of married life, but that doesn’t mean that when you’re not fighting, your relationship is already over. That just means that you can keep your interests and ideas aligned with each other that there’s no need to fight about it. Some people just don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

“When you stop fighting, that’s when you know the relationship is over.”

I had only ever seen/experienced abusive relationships, and I thought there was something wrong because my husband and I boringly got along. But no, we’re just introverts and low drama. It’s a good thing.

— Annissa (semi-hiatus) 💛🏳️‍🌈♿️🦹 (@thisniss) August 2, 2020

6. Toxic relationship

Fighting between married couples is normal, but the constant yelling and hurting are not. You could always clear misunderstandings with a cup of tea on the dinner table. There is no need to shout it out to the point that your neighbors could hear everything.

That it wasn’t a good idea to get married unless we had a big YELLING fight and taken our anger out on each other. We’ve been married over 2 years and still not had a yelling fight. We tend to sit and talk things out as calmly and kindly as we can.

— Faith Boggus (they/she) (@abogguslife) August 2, 2020

7. Understanding someone’s situation

Sometimes, people had to listen well about a situation. If they can’t, they’d end up telling bad advice like this one. Even though this couple sleeps in separate beds, that doesn’t translate to their marriage being over.

I told some friends that my husband and I sleep in separate beds because he has insomnia and I’m a light sleeper. Was told our marriage is basically over and not worth salvaging lol we’re stupid happy, going on 9 years, sleeping separately works very well for us

— Antifa Broodmother (@ArielOfAutumn) August 2, 2020

8. Happy wife, happy life.”

This isn’t a piece of advice but is something married couples hear almost every day. It’s absurd thinking that you have to be sacrificing yourself for the sake of the other’s happiness. I mean, why can’t both of you work hard to be happy together to have a happy life?

The worst advice is, “happy wife, happy life.” This is a partnership and we should both be working and sacrificing for each other’s happiness.

— EBM-F (@4thhowardson) August 1, 2020

9. Not always the ideal advice

When a marriage is failing, no one has to force themselves to stay together “because of the kids.” It’s better to let your kids live with the fact that their parents can’t get back together rather than staying but having big fights almost every day. Still, lucky are those who managed to fix it.

“Stay together for your child”. Let me tell you how everyone is happier and we feel much more like a family now than before the divorce. She’s remarried and has another kid and we all get along swimmingly.

— Mike Provencher (@RevilFox) August 2, 2020

10. Never do this

If you hate certain chores, learn to love them. Don’t entrust everything to your partner. Don’t even think of following this horrible advice because it’s not you who will benefit from it.

In our first year of marriage, an old man said to my husband: “Do whatever your wife asks you to do around the house, but do it horribly. She will never ask you again.” 🤯

This clearly violates the 10 commandments. And marital vows. And also, yah know, basic human decency. 😑

— Amber Tolbert (@AmberTolbert58) August 1, 2020

11. Both should be equal

No one should assign heads for decision-making at home. Both husband and wife should pitch in ideas on how to fix a certain situation or make their quality of living better. Right decisions aren’t something that comes from only one person.

My mom and sister laughed when I said we’d make decisions equally. “Eventually, one of you will be the head, and it should be him.”

16 years later and we have yet to encounter a situation where we couldn’t make a decision mutually.

— Jan M 📚 (@JayelleMo) August 2, 2020

12. Honesty in marriage

Some people would say that lying about some things to your partner is better than being honest with everything. However, that mentality is where toxicity in a relationship starts. Conveying honesty leads to better and stronger marriages.

A coworker was shocked when I told her I didn’t hide things from my husband (was about hanging out with male friends). She said “You’ll eventually learn you shouldn’t be honest about everything in marriage. Trust me, I have a lot more experience, I’ve been married 3 times.”

— Dr. Becky Hofstein Grady (@bofstein) August 1, 2020

13. That’s not the point of marriage

You are married because you love your partner. Deciding to have kids or not is up to you. Besides, having kids is not a measurement of how much you love each other.

I once heard the advice that if “you don’t want kids after getting married then you don’t truly love your spouse.” I have never wanted children & have been with my husband for ten years now, married for four of them. Still don’t want kids, but we’re both pretty dang happy

— Lacy Pellegrini (@LacyPellegrini) August 2, 2020

14. Bank accounts in marriage

Most married couples get joint bank accounts, but that isn’t the case for some. To some people, it’s better to have separate accounts as long as the share of responsibilities remains equal. Having separate accounts doesn’t always mean you’re hiding something from your spouse.

“Don’t have separate bank accounts.”

In our relationship, I’m good w/bills, my wife is good w/household needs.

Accounts are seperated so I don’t pay bills with food money, and she doesn’t buy groceries with the rent money.

May not be for everyone, but it helped us a lot.

— RetroDadnKids (@RetroDadnKids) August 1, 2020

15. Never settle for an abusive marriage

You can fight over a misunderstanding but it’s different when it reaches the point of abuse. Not leaving an abusive marriage because “that’s how marriage works” is just wrong. Leave if the marriage only brings you suffering.

When I told someone about the abuse/fights “you’re married now, that’s important, you should try harder to fix things. Marriage is sacred” – Never listen if someone tells you staying in a marriage is more important than escaping an abusive partner.

— R2Dash2 (@R2Dash2) August 1, 2020

16. Take a break

If you can’t have a clear mind during arguments, it will always end up badly. Both of you will be stressed and if you do it without breaks, who knows what will happen if you let it continue. Taking a break is a better approach for problems in your married life.

I’ll 2nd “don’t go to bed angry”. I hate that shit. My exGF & I would fight a lot at the end of our relationship, and she would never let me go to sleep, like “we need to keep this going until we figure shit out”. No. Let me sleep. It starts to actually feel abusive.

— The Lamityville Horror: Awake at 5AM!! (@AnxiousPenman) August 2, 2020

17. Cross-cultural marriage

Having cultural differences in a marriage doesn’t automatically mean that you can’t have a mutual understanding with each other. Learning to embrace your partner’s differences is a way to make the marriage stronger and lasting. Doesn’t matter what people say about it.

Some 36 years ago, someone told me that cross-cultural marriages never last.

— Colin Baker (@ExploringRealms) August 1, 2020

18. Marriage is not about dominance

In marriage, both partners should be considered equal. There should be no one who is considered higher than the other. Both have to work equally hard to have a lasting marriage.

A man in our church (who is no longer with us) literally told my husband to be in the church before our wedding, “The secret to a happy marriage is to keep your woman under control is to hit her first thing in the morning so she know who is the boss.”

— Jen Davidson (@JenDavi64358092) August 1, 2020

19. Always right

As they always say, “The woman is always right.” It doesn’t have to be like that, and you don’t have to pretend that your spouse is right all the time. It’s fine to have a couple of disagreements as long as you could both work to fix it.

Multiple people told me some variant of “treat your wife like she’s always right and never disagree with her” which, I mean, I married an adult not a petulant toddler

— Michael Akerman (@DrKashik) August 1, 2020

20. Bad advice about going on dates

Go on a date with your partner when you both want to. If you don’t go out as much, it doesn’t mean that you have a bad relationship. Going out on a date is both your leisurely break from stress, not an obligation to make a marriage work.

we’ve taken a couple marriage classes and have been told we need to have date nights twice a month.while that’s not bad advice, it puts a lot of hope in date night, and like we can’t have a good marriage if we don’t go out. we can connect over date nights “in”

— Jena Entrekin (@Jwinne123) August 1, 2020

21. Don’t let jealousy take over

People think that cutting off certain friends of the opposite sex will always lead to a healthy and happy marriage. However, that kind of thinking might just lead to the inverse. Anyone needs friends and you can’t just let them go because people think you should.

“You shouldn’t need anyone but each other.” Horse crap! I’ve survived 33 years of marriage precisely because I have others to play with, laugh with, and vent to. If jealousy rules the relationship you’re on a short track anyway!

— Carl (Good Trouble) Jones 🌊 (@Youthguy07) August 1, 2020

22. Divorce is an option

If you are in an unhealthy relationship, there is always the option to get out of it. You don’t have to pretend that you should stick with it because you entered it in the first place. If you managed to fix it, it’s fine. But if it makes you miserable, then it’s time to get out.

“Staying married is just a matter of deciding that divorce isn’t an option.”

Sure, you can stay married that way. You can also stay super miserable for nigh on twenty years.

— Kristen Stieffel (@KristenStieffel) August 1, 2020

23. Accepting everything about you

This may be a piece of good advice but not at all times that you had to look your best for your spouse. There should be no shame in showing your real self to your partner. Loving is about accepting all flaws and whatnot.

“Dress up for your husband.”

Which translates to “lie to him about how you feel about yourself every damn day and never find out if he’ll love you frumps and all.”

Reader, he does.

— JoanneOfGreenGables (@JoofGreenGables) August 2, 2020

24. For the kids

Sometimes, when a marriage becomes unbearable, one should make a harsh decision. You could either leave or stay and having kids is what makes this decision hard. However, there are times when leaving is the right answer.

“Just try to make it work for the kids” yeah, its important for a kid to grow up with two loving parents, but its toxic for them to have parents that constantly fight and hate each other.

— Dawna Stadulis (@StadulisDawna) August 2, 2020

25. It shouldn’t be that hard

If you think that the first year of marriage is hard, then there must be something wrong. Forming a bond such as a marriage is supposed to make your life easier because both of you will work hard for it. However, if this happens, that just means you haven’t known each other that well just yet.

SO many people told my wife and me that the first year of marriage would be the worst, hardest year of our lives and we would even hate each other at times.

We made it through 1.5 years in a tiny, A/C-less Chicago apartment with much gladness and relatively little hardship. 🤷🏾‍♂️

— Amar D. Peterman (@amarpeterman) August 1, 2020

26. Being a husband

This is a bit of terrible husband advice that one could ever give. As a husband, you should share the load of work in the house with your wife. Also, you shouldn’t always expect a reward for doing something that’s supposed to be your job.

“In order to get your wife interested do the dishes and help around the house! She will desire you more because of it”

Talk about terrible advice, that’s just being a husband and sharing the load!

— Caleb Carr (@pastorcablecarr) August 1, 2020

27. This is not supposed to be it

This advice given is not too wise. You should never give up on something for yourself after you get married. It’s always better to be still working hard for your own and have something that you could be proud of.

The “wise elder’s wives” in fundamentalism used to tell the college gals (because if you were still single after college you’d be that way forever) “Once you get married you must quit your job/school. Never allow yourself to feel freedoms you shouldn’t. You are his now” 🤢

— cherie vann (@cherievann) August 1, 2020

28. A healthy environment

If you think that having both sets of parents present with your kids is toxic, then it’s more than okay to get them out of it. That way you could build a healthy environment for them to live in. Your kids don’t need toxic people in their lives.

Newly married here. Someone said recently that we need both sets of parents in our lives and our future kids will need their grandparents. That we need to “suck it up”…..despite the fact that it’s completely toxic to do so.

— Mary Ann Dains (@maryanndains) August 1, 2020

29. Conflicts are always there

In marriage, couples are bound to have conflicts with each other. However, that doesn’t automatically equate to a disastrous marriage. Knowing that you two could disagree on one thing is perfectly normal, and it’s up to you two on how to approach it.

The idea that conflict means disaster. Before I got married my mom asked me to tell her something I dislike abt my husband. When I couldn’t, she said I wasn’t ready for marriage. She was right. Rose colored glasses are sometimes worse than disagreement. (Been married 12 yrs now)

— Brittany (@CharmedMagnolia) August 1, 2020

30. This is just wrong

This advice looks like it comes from someone with a towering amount of pride. If you are at fault, you apologize. It doesn’t matter if it’s your friend or your spouse. Saying sorry means admitting your fault and you are willing to make up for it.

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

— Joseph T. Reiff (@jtreiff) August 1, 2020

31. Fighting doesn’t equal communication

Arguing about something is normal but it doesn’t have to happen all the time. It’s more admirable if both of you have mutual thoughts every step of the way. If you’re fighting all the time, then clearly, there is a problem with how you both communicate.

If you’re not fighting, you’re not communicating. That seems so weird and toxic! TV has really normalized the super dramatic relationship when really we don’t fight *because* we communicate. do we argue? yeah, but it’s usually about d&d alignments.

— 🦇Ash, Countess of Bats🦇 (@Admiral_ABonn) August 2, 2020

32. Why not?

Isn’t this how marriage is supposed to work? You should feel at home wherever your partner is. You have to let him/her know how life is comfortable with them around, despite both of your quirks.

I see “don’t get too comfortable around each other” a lot, like don’t let your partner know you poop and fart… this will not be possible as you get old lol

— give guns to whales (@bbeepbeeep) August 2, 2020

33. The worst part is he followed it

This advice seems too superstitious. It’s obvious that your laboring wife needs you the most, and that you should stay with her all the time unless it’s the doctor that tells you otherwise. Know that she needs your comfort during this tense situation.

my husband’s uncle told him not to go near me while I was in labor. he sat in the fucking chair and wouldn’t fucking hug me or anything -.-

— Mad Anne flint (@Mad_Anne_Flint) August 2, 2020

34. Regarding divorces

When someone decides on a divorce, it’s not either one’s fault for not being too nice to each other. There are just specific differences and misunderstandings that couldn’t be fixed, and it is the only way to getting out of it. Never heed this ridiculous advice.

“No matter what he did or does, divorce would be your fault for not being nice enough to him.”

Also:
“You have to make it work for the baby”
Didn’t take this advice. Am now happily married 7yrs to man who wasn’t the baby-daddy to my 8yo

— Kate wears a mask 💀🌸 (@tea_and_ethos) August 2, 2020

35. About cheating and temptation

You shouldn’t feel responsible for your partner cheating on you. Cheating is a sin that’s just as worse as crime, and you should know it. If your spouse gets tempted, this isn’t because both of you aren’t doing it enough.

You’re never allowed to say no to sex because you’re “denying him” and he’ll be tempted to sin. Can’t firmly object to anything because you’re not submitting.

It’s a miracle we’re still together and we don’t have a healthy relationship anymore.

— EternallyGrowing (@EternallyGrowi1) August 1, 2020

36. No, it isn’t

Arguments should be normal in marriage but if it ends up with someone throwing a punch, then there’s something wrong with it. Let people know that any form of abuse is never normal. You shouldn’t have to bruise or bleed in your marriage.

A little bleeding is normal

— Lief Tucker (@lieftucker) August 2, 2020

37. Should be easier

This one still seems reasonable. Everyone gets that both people should work hard for their marriage. However, it doesn’t have to be that hard because you two should be working together for it, not only by yourself.

“Marriage is hard work” not really advice but, it’s bullshit. Life is hard work but your marriage shouldn’t be hard work.

— 𝔟𝔬𝔫𝔢𝔰 ψ (@bsb0nes) August 2, 2020

38. Financial transparency

Economy is also a part of your marriage. Having transparency in financial matters like balancing both of your needs and wants will lead to a happier marriage. There’s no need to keep the money a secret from your spouse.

“Keep your financial dealings a secret from your spouse” is the worst advice I ever got.

— jung mee park, phd (@jpark1917) August 1, 2020

39. This is no big deal

It’s not really much of a deal when someone within a couple of compliments someone for being attractive or even interacting with their friends of the opposite sex. Both sides could do this and still will not risk anything in the relationship. As long as both people know their bounds, these issues will not be too much of a deal.

All of the people who claim you have to be in total denial around your spouse that other attractive people exist in the world. Or that they can’t manage their jealous if you have any interactions at all with exes.

— Matt (@simonjester2424) August 2, 2020

40. We all have our limits

Pretending that everything’s alright and taking all the burden by yourself in a marriage is just bad. You should at least involve your partner to partake with problems and let them be aware that you struggle with something. Work hand in hand, know what each other feels, and everything will be alright.

Don’t let your wife know you struggle, that’s for the guys.

— Dennis Swender, MBA 🇺🇸 🇵🇱 (@dennisswender) August 1, 2020

41. Marriage is not about controlling

No one needs to limit someone’s freedom in the relationship so that you could do what you want. That’s just selfish and too controlling. Your spouse might just end up losing trust in you in the long run.

Not me -but my husband’s less modern minded male friends regularly tell him that he needs to control me better – like not letting me travel for professional development alone leaving him home to fend for himself. Or not allowing me to have male friends. Too bad they don’t trust.

— (((Nance))) Vaxed and Masked 🧠&🫀 (@NanceAdler) August 2, 2020

42. Might as well know what it’s like first

A lot of people say that it’s best to live together with your partner after marriage. However, this advice could just backfire on you. It’s better to experience first-hand what it feels like living with your partner and decide to marry if you think you’re both compatible.

Don’t live together first. No one will buy the cow if the milk is free. Married 26 years, together 29 including 1 co-habitating.

— Prof Ingram the bar counselor (@IngramProfessor) August 2, 2020

43. If you’re a magnet that is

People tend to give you advice that you should marry someone with opposite interests than you but that often leads to a failed relationship. There are still chances of making a relationship with your “opposite” work. But why risk failing when it’s far better to have someone you are fully compatible with?

Opposites attract.

— Jay Howard (@jayphoward) August 1, 2020

44. Marriage counseling

Just because a couple is having a marriage counseling session doesn’t mean that their marriage is failing. We need all the help we could get to make our marriage work beautifully, and marriage counseling is just the right thing to do. Most especially when tackling bigger problems that seem overwhelming for both of you.

Only bad marriages need counseling.

— Forrest Lee Horn (@flhorn) August 1, 2020

45. Male supremacy in marriage

This old way of thinking about men should be the one handling all the major decisions is becoming toxic every day. In marriage, both should be equal in terms of making decisions because this is their relationship to handle. Don’t let people tell you that you should always follow whatever the “head” tells you to do.

That every marriage can only have one leader who has the final say in disagreements & decision-making. And that one leader is the husband because of male headship.

— Emily Hunter McGowin (@EmilyMcgowin) August 1, 2020