Hey, you wouldn’t even be celebrating a birthday if your mama didn’t get at least one of these things before you were born.

Which means she’s allowed to be awkwardly funny when talking about sex, money, power and respect!

“Four things you’re probably not getting on your birthday.”

When your dad grabs the free divider behind the stack of cards and gets all sentimental. Hope you had a great one, Mike!

“My dad said he couldn’t find a funny birthday card, so he got me one of the dividers.”

It really doesn’t pay to be another sad statistic. Guess someone’s out of luck.

“4 out of 5 people get money in their birthday cards. Happy birthday, #5.”

How NomNom-asaurus celebrated birthdays.

“Is this available in a 3X tshirt?.. I’m only 2X but prepping for the 3x times to come…”

Some things aren’t worth holding onto.

This would be one of those things.

“I have something for you. You’re holding it.”

Turns out piñata’s have deeper rooted problems than anyone ever knew.

“The sick part is, I kind of like it when they hit me.”

It was a perfectly clear compliment.

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

“Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

…they’d be spouting some pretty sweet smack!

“Move over creampuff.”

There’s nothing cruller than being boxed like this!”

“What’s with the glazed look on her?

“Don’t mind him, he’s Danish.”

“Hey, when do I get a coffee break?

“Shut yer hole!”

“Coffee goes right through me!”

“You want a piece of me?

“Bite me.”

…before you can get to the Sith.

“Wrong gear?”

“What do you mean? I’m using the fourth, just like you keep saying!”

Some parents wish you were never born.

This guy’s parents told him exactly how it happened.

“Insert here. That’s what she said…”

<3 mom & dad

Or at least be a little more specific. You never know how your wish will end up.

“I wish I weren’t an old man…”

“POOF!”

“Son-of-a…”

There’s no time to waste when you age in dog years.

“My dad turned 53 at the weekend. This is the card my sister sent him.”

“In dog years… you’re dead.”

It’s enough to make you get all red in the face. It’s probably also the last thing you want to think about on your birthday.

“Somebody mentioned that this is the anniversary of when you popped out of a vagina or something.”

Start singing “It’s My Party,” but be like:

“It’s my birthday and I’ll have carbs if I want to!”

Or at least that’s what she says. Have you seen this dog’s eyes?!

“My 4 year old niece can’t read and bought me this birthday card because it featured ‘a cute dog with a party hat.'”

Hmm… I wonder…

Hard to say if the therapy is actually working.

It could be viewed either way.

And neither did this teacher’s very blunt student.

“You’re one of 19,000,000 people born on this day. You are not special.”

Back at you, kiddo!

Mom did all the hard work, but Dad certainly didn’t. His two cents are in blue ink at the very end:

“+ Dad.”

He’s just not quite right in the head.

“A birthday card I made for my cousin. I am a good cousin.”

Looks like the joke is on the birthday cousin.

At least Connor folded the paper in half to make it look like a card.

“Your sister’s boyfriend got you a birthday card? That’s like 1000% more effort than I would have gone through.”

You’re never too old to get money from Nanny and Paw Paw!

Reddit users agree:

“I remember being broke…in college, and then a card from Grandma would arrive with $5 in it and it was the best day ever… In a few more years, I’ll be Grandma aged. I should find some kids to send $5 to.”

The love is obviously there. He has nothing but gratitude for his superior sibling.

“Thanks, sis.”

Okay creepy family, you’ve now officially weirded-out all the clowns, too.

“My family thinks it’s funny to send me creepy birthday cards. This was this years winner!”

Cards written by Twinkies are too emo for gramps’ generation.

So he penned one himself:

“Nate, I looked for a card, could not find any that I could stand. They must all be written by women or Twinkies. Happy Birthday, Love Grandpa.”

And she’s leaving nothing up to his imagination. You’re old enough now. Don’t keep her waiting!

“Happy birthday! How old are you now? When can I have my grandchild? I am old enough to be a grandmother. I am ready.”

She didn’t know if it was supposed to be funny, or just really, really sad.

“birthday card from grandma…not sure if funny or wtf…”

Maybe that is the punchline.

“I opened the card for the punch line…it just says life is short happy birthday.”

He gave his niece this card for her 2nd birthday.

“Maggie! Ha Ha Ha! You can’t read this ’cause you’re just 2 years old! Oh, it’s in Spanish? I can’t read it either. Hope it says Happy Birthday!”

Her sister got an interesting birthday card.

“So when a spider does it it’s cute, but when i give people card with my bumstuff it’s ‘Indecent’ and i have to ‘get back to the asylum.'”

She’s one of them Children of the Corn.

“I like corn on the cob.”

I’d have to say this card is 100% accurate. He nailed the “Hitleresque” quality.

“My wife shares a birthday with Hitler so I made her this card.”

…but then you’re kinda glad you did! Looks like someone has an eventful evening awaiting them.