Let’s face it. Raising teens can be both extremely challenging and beyond rewarding. The drama, the achievements, the tears, and the love make it a wild ride. While every teen is going to have a different personality, work ethic, habits, and personal goals, there are things that we can do to help them grow into functional, responsible adults. Here are a few tips to get started!
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Remember what it’s like.
We remember what it’s like to be a teenager. Hormones flaring and the compounding pressure of friendships, grades, college choices, and relationships. While having boundaries is important, it is also helpful to take a step back and appreciate all that your teen is going through right now.
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Be proactive.
Some teens are not as vocal as others and sometimes you may need to be the one to initiate a conversation. Follow up with them and remind them that you are there to help. Sometimes they just need an open door to get a conversation started.
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Be persistent.
Being a teen is hard. But being an adult is hard too. Teens are going to have to learn certain skills and behaviors for them to be successful later on. Have a teen that won’t get up when their alarm goes off? Help them come up with strategies for success.
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Listen.
Teens want to know that you are listening – especially during an argument. Recognize the importance of letting them know that they are heard. Teens will often shut down when they do not feel respected or appreciated.
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Love.
Let them know that you love them. Tell them. Show it. It is easy to take those we love for granted and now is the time to continue to build those relationships.
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Laugh.
There is probably enough drama and seriousness happening in their life. Take some time to laugh with them. Having that release valve is an important part of managing stress.
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Remain constant.
Your teen’s world is filled with drama and deadlines. While it’s part of normal, everyday adult life, your teen is probably encountering this for the first time. Be the constant in their life. Let them know through your words and actions that you are always there and they can rely on you to be the constant thing in their life.
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Talk.
Have an open door policy. Let your teen know that they can talk to you whenever they need to. Be open to hearing their point of view and be willing to discuss, and negotiate if possible.
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Be a friend.
Some teens will not disclose everything that happens to them while at school or with their friends. We all have bad days, and it is important for teens to know that they will have a friend to count on. Have fun together, talk and laugh and spend time building your relationship with them.
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Discuss important topics (careers, sex, alcohol, etc.)
Your teens are going to be taught many things at school or through their friends that you may not ever hear anything about. It is important for your son or daughter to know your stance on these important topics. Have an open conversation and allow them to ask questions.
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Choose your battles
No one likes to be constantly nagged and when all someone hears is what a bad job they are doing, they are unlikely to hear praise or take a matter seriously. Maybe that dirty pair of jeans isn’t as important as missing an important deadline. Choose your battles wisely.
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Know their friends.
Teens spend countless hours with their friends at school and after hours. It is important to know who they are spending their time with and who they are being influenced by. Have your teen’s friends over for dinner or go on a short trip. Knowing their friends will show your teen that you care and will give you some insight on the relationships that they are building.
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Have rules.
We have all seen the movies where children do not have adults around and run around wild. They think having no rules is going to be great, but things start to go haywire. Children and teens need to have rules in their life. When they are an adult and get out into the real world, they will still have rules to abide by: in the workplace, legal boundaries, deadlines, etc. Talk to them about this and let them know that those rules are in place to help them later on in their life, not that you are not just punishing them.
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Teach responsibility
We all juggle many responsibilities and teaching teens how to manage now will be much easier on them in the long run. Many of us hold down jobs, manage appointments, keep up the house, pay our bills, and get food on the table. There is a lot on our plate and will be on theirs when they leave the house. Have them help out now by assigning chores.
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Technology management
Teens in this era are dealing with something that many of us did not encounter in our childhood: technology at our fingertips. Many of us joke that we are “addicted” to our phones, but this is a legitimate cause for conern that is happening to teens and adults all around us. Talk with your teen about effective time management and the importance of giving yourself limits.
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Don’t do everything for them.
Sometimes it is easy to think by doing something for teen it will make their life (or yours) easier. And it may in the short term. But constantly taking care of things for your teen will only decrease their skill set and set them up for failure later on. You are not going to be there while they are in college and have to manage deadlines. You will not be there reminding them of everything they need to do at their job. Teach them how to handle these responsibilities now.
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Instill confidence.
Teens need to have a sense of accomplishment and need to know that you appreciate their efforts. Building confidence is an important life tool that they will always carry with them. Praise their efforts, but don’t over-glorify their achievements.
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Education beyond the classroom.
Some schools do not teach everything your child will need to know when they get out into the real world. Talk to them about taxes, insurance, debt, home-ownership skills, and good money habits. Tgese topics are vitally important and having a base knowledge will help them later on.
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Give them space.
We all need time to relax and unwind. Give your teen space. Some teens need a couple of hours to process their day before they are ready to talk and others may need to tell you every detail the second they walk through the door. Regardless, give your teen the chance to process and de-stress how they need to and be available when they need you.
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Don’t set unrealistic expectations.
While we want the best for our teens and know that they are capable of doing whatever they put their mind to, it’s important to remember that they are still children. Many studies show that the human brain is not fully developed until around age 25 and some teens may not have the mental capacity to handle certain situations in a logical manner. Know that you expect highly of them, but be realistic in those expectations.
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Don’t expect the worst.
Teens do not like labels any more than the rest of us do. “Boys will be boys.” or “Teenage girls are so dramatic.” are a few of the sayings that you have probably heard. Well, your teen has heard them too. Knowing that you are expecting this behavior only opens the door for them to feel like they can get away with more.
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Say yes when you can.
Your teen still needs to have some privileges. Talk to them about how they can ask and maybe even negotiate some rules. If they’ve proven themselves responsible – then say yes. It will be a huge confidence booster and will help them know that you are not “just out to get them”.
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But say no often.
As an adult, your teens are still going to be told “no” a lot. Maybe a job interview didn’t go well, or they got turned down for a date. No matter the situation, it is good for teens to learn that they cannot have everything they want.
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They need food – and lots of it!
Teens are growing and their bodies are burning through a lot of fuel and energy. They need food and nutrients to keep up. Have a stockpile of healthy snacks available for them at all times. They probably won’t spoil their dinner – they just need more food.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff.
So they forgot to put away their laundry or maybe didn’t turn off a light after they left the room. Don’t worry about it. Teens, like us, do not need to be reminded of our every fault. Now if it’s a constant problem, address it. But if it’s not that big of a deal, let it go.
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Encourage their faith.
Regardless of religion or personal beliefs, going through teenage years is trying. Teens are constantly pressured and forced into ideologies that they may not believe them. Talk to them about this. Remind them gently of what they believe and talk about ways for them to remain steady.
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Don’t talk at them.
No one likes to be in a conversation when you can tell the other person is not listening. Listen to your teen. Think about what they are saying and what they are trying to convey. Repeat it. Let them know that you are listening and ask them questions.
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Help them stay focused.
There are so many distracting things happening all around us. Teens are constantly bombarded by their friends, issues at school, and social media that it can be overwhelming. Remind them of their task at hand and ask how you can help.
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Have a safe word or phrase.
Your teen may be caught in a difficult, dangerous, or awkward situation that they may need to get away from. Have a safe word for texting like “notebook” or a phrase like “Did you put my clothes in the dryer?” can help your teen let you know that you need to come and get them.
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Trust them.
No matter how a teen may act, deep down, they want your approval. They want to know that you trust them and they want to be trusted with important tasks or responsibilities. Let them know that. Gradually increase their privileges and tell them that you trust them. Discuss how important trust is and how easily it can be broken. These are valuable skills that they will need later on.
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