Ever have one of those senior moments where you can’t remember a certain word that’s just on the tip of your tongue? Instead of snapping your fingers in the air in an effort to make those words come back, use it as an opportunity to get creative and expand your vocabulary!
If other people can turn simple words like “tissue” into “sneeze paper,” have a queer eye for “decorating with nervous Chihuahuas”, or can put “teapot roofs” on top of lattes, then you, too, may be a poet without even knowing it.
Trump said it best with his most infamous quote to date: “I know words, I have the best words.”
Well, the 40 hilarious people on this list have trumped Trump by coming up with the best words yet!
1) Oh waiter, can you please bring me one of those stabby grabby things?
Well, the description is pretty accurate. Spoons are for digging and scooping, forks are for stabbing and grabbing!
@neilphillips:
“That’s a sign of the tines.”
2) Even lawyers can’t defend themselves against random brain farts.
So that’s why prosecutors always refer to someone as “the defendant.” When you start shouting “that guilty dude,” half the courtroom might break into a sweat!
3) I came from over thataway, Sir.
If you don’t want to be treated like a drug mule, make sure you have your story straight. Looking at your plane ticket can help.
@GiantSpaceTiger:
“Aaand out come the medical gloves. ‘Kindly step this way, madam.'”
4) I’m saying “arctic cabbage” from now on.
Out with the old, in with the new! We don’t need to have bland iceberg lettuce in our vernacular anyways.
5) What’s yellow and comes in its own case?
That’s what happens when your brain starts to go bananas and splits in two. You start forgetting basic words like “squishy yellow monkey food that grows on trees.”
@Kaisu Rei:
“My pregnant friend once forgot the word for coconut and called them milk balls.”
@Paul K. Johnson:
“Adding the word, “hairy” makes it even better.”
6) Yo bartender, gimme two hairy pear coladas, one with extra ponytail.
I can’t claim to know what’s going on in a bilingual person’s head. But, I do get excited anytime I see hairy pear ponytails show up on cocktail menus.
7) It’s white and goes clickety-clack-clack when I touch it.
Have you tried turning your brain off and on again? Okay, then maybe you need to plug it back in to find the right word.
@Liesa Lietzke:
“Well…that DOES effectively answer the question, right?”
@Steve:
“Only if it’s white.”
8) Dionne Warwick singing: “That’s what the people you don’t hate are for.”
Oh my, hate is such a strong word. How about putting a positive spin on it, like: “the people you like more often than not, and wouldn’t throw under the bus as long as you’re in a good mood.”
9) It’s like a tree branch that has lines and numbers and isn’t hairy.
I remember using one of those “how far machines” back in high school math class. It always feel short when I tried to measure pi.
@Joey Jorgensen:
“For 20 yrs I’ve never been able to remember verbally the word tape measure. Around here it’s referred to as ‘the ground thermometer.'”
10) Yes, I’d like a chicken salad, with a side of really wet salad.
It makes total sense that book smart people are actually pretty street dumb. There’s just no room in their brains for fluffy words like “soup,” especially when they need to remember the more important things, like, how to cure memory loss.
11) Well, it’s grammatically correct. There’s that.
I believe their official title is IRS agent. It’s a more formal greeting for sure, but it’s also less likely to get you a love letter in the mail that has “audit xoxo” written all over it.
@kamkamknauss:
“Don’t feel bad. All of the clerks at my workplace have accidentally typed c*nty attorney and/or pubic defender on a court order at least once…and its in the pubic record forever.”
12) I heard the FBI raided one of those once.
Isn’t that what they call nudist hippy communes? I bet it’s a popular place to hang out.
@remingtons:
“How many times did you write pubic health instead of public? I know I did.”
13) Mom, look, it’s a duckapuss!
Sometimes those tip-of-the-tongue moments are actually a prelude to pure linguistic genius. When you can’t find the word you’re looking for, just pause, take a deep breath, and spew out the first hilarious thing that comes to mind!
14) Dad, can I have a small dog baby for Christmas?
Mom promised I could get a dogling! Can we go to the doglet shelter and pick out a duppy right now?
@richoconor:
“Or in contrast to the two commenters above, you could have called them “dog foals”. (They called foals “horse puppies)”
15) Let’s take a moment of silence to honor the loss of your remembrance thought.
It’s totally normal to lose some of your remembrance thought as you get older. When your brain’s hard drive fills up, it starts deleting all the old stuff to make room for the new.
16) It’s that tiny, sparkly thingamajig.
Today I learned that shiny crumbs are a physics thing. They also look really good when sprinkled with electromagnetic fairy dust.
@emmachapman:
“The history books will note this as the day when photon dropped out of scientific use. I much prefer your version.”
My favorite “little horse puppy” is Princess Twilight Sparkle. Which one is yours?
@Catherine_Zen
“I love horse puppies! My sister forgot the word for baby turkeys and called them “goblets”. And so they have been named henceforth!”
18) I’m really good at all that verbal stuff.
I know words. I can also say a lot of stuff that doesn’t mean anything at all!
@TaraNipe:
“I did the same thing in a job interview! Me: I’m… I have a large vocabulary and use it well – I’m really… um… Interviewer: articulate? Me: yes! I’m very articulate! I didn’t get the job; I suspect that’s only one reason why.”
19) This “protein gum” is kind of chewy.
I used to stick protein gum under my desk in grade school. But, it always dried up and flaked off by the time I was hungry for a snack.
@Alistair Dove:
“That just about made me spit mac and cheese on my monitor!”
I bet that got their attention! That’s how 18-year-old boys plant seeds, after all.
“It was the most engaged they looked all day…”
21) Hi, I’m your husband’s hospital wife.
Seems legit. She’s taking care of him like his full-time home wife would. However, they might want to include his work wife in on the conversation, too.
22) I always keep a yappy ankle biter in my craft drawer, just in case.
I like to decorate with my nervous Chihuahua on the weekends. I try to limit myself, though, because he really hates it when I start brushing him against the wall.
@Seth Cahn:
“I hope that doesn’t mean the orchestra nervously vibrates until they spaz out and pee on the stage.”
23) I’ll have a meat pickle, no relish
It’s probably best not to let your daughter ask the hot dog vendor for one of his meat pickles. Things could start to get ugly real quick.
@Withnail:
“I feel terrible for thinking it, but that is tremendously phallic…”
@Full Name:
“If your penis is green and lumpy seek medical help immediately.”
24) Hi, let me introduce you to someone that I used to know.
I’ve known him for 10 years. He’s a colleague. Here he comes. Say hi to him.
@Sarah Lynn:
I was trying to introduce a coworker to a friend, couldn’t remember the coworker’s name. So I decided to introduce the friend first and see if the other name came to me. I forgot her name too. …. her name is Sarah. We have the same name.
25) I like to “pictographically describe” in my spare time.
Why use a boring short word when there’s a much longer way to explain things? In fact, this could come in real handy when you need filler words for school essays!
26) Just how many out-pouches of beer was he drinking?
At least he wasn’t referring to a Kangaroo pouch after a rainstorm. That could have gotten weird.
@Chris Bermudez:
“My mind went immediately to urinary catheter. Glad it was a cup he needed.”
27) I ran out of sneeze paper, can you print some more?
Well, he’s not wrong. Tissue is nothing more than a sheet of very soft paper. But, his version is much cuter!
28) It’s like fake soy meat, but more earthy.
Back in the early days, Hannibal Lecter used to eat wood livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. It wasn’t until later that he developed a taste for the real thing.
If you’re having “remembrance thought” issues, then just say the name of your favorite childhood cartoon character. That way, no one will ever forget you.
@LianePL:
“Ha!! At work, I write my name down and the name of the place I work, before making a telephone call. I have a Masters Degree…why do you ask?”
If you have a brain fart, just say puppy. Everyone will know exactly what you mean.
31) Google, what’s the three color Halloween thing?
If you can’t remember the words to something, just hop onto Google and describe it. Before you’re even finished typing, it’ll give you the exact answer that you’re looking for!
32) Grandma’s make the best knitted neck bracelets!
I bet that’s super warm and cozy! While you’re at it, you may as well ask mom to make you some fuzzy foot bags, a Jesus crown, and a thick upper-body sheet with armholes.
33) Put it over there on top of that flat surface with legs, please.
Well, you know what they say – great minds think alike! But, dumb people think the same way too.
34) I’m using it at Starbucks from now on!
Now, that’s some good copywriting right there! I would totally pay extra for a teapot rooftop. It sounds super sweet and charming!
35) Wordsmith Math: 1 + 1 = something twice as good
If you can’t decide which words to use, just string them together. Sometimes they turn out even better than the original!
@Em Rad:
“This is how I come up with half the words I use a lot. Buddhist monk is now ‘boonk.’ My brain goes faster than my mouth lol.”
36) Ugh, rush hour clobbage is the worst!
That’s a fun new word, but it’s easy to see how it could quickly evolve into something else. Clobbage, cabbage, baggage… Watch out honey, there’s a pileup of baggage ahead!
37) What’s that giant spoon called again?
It’s probably best if you kept this between you and your archaeologist friend. The cops might come knocking on your door if you start asking people for that thing you dig up bones with.
@kim aldis:
“My wife once asked to pass “the thing for moving the mud around” while we were gardening together.”
38) An unfortunate new nickname
It’s probably not the first time people have gotten their tongue twisted over his last name. I can just see him getting mad and chasing around all the kids that chanted “dickskin” in the playground.
If you forget the name for something, just talk in Cartoon. It’s the most widespread language that we all learned to speak when we were little.
40) I’m starving on this stupid money diet!
Sorry, I can’t go out with you tonight. I’ve already gone over my daily calories of money for today.
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Ever have one of those senior moments where you can’t remember a certain word that’s just on the tip of your tongue? Instead of snapping your fingers in the air in an effort to make those words come back, use it as an opportunity to get creative and expand your vocabulary!
If other people can turn simple words like “tissue” into “sneeze paper,” have a queer eye for “decorating with nervous Chihuahuas”, or can put “teapot roofs” on top of lattes, then you, too, may be a poet without even knowing it.
Trump said it best with his most infamous quote to date: “I know words, I have the best words.”
Well, the 40 hilarious people on this list have trumped Trump by coming up with the best words yet!
