Breakups can be messy, but after the heartache phase has passed the last thing anyone wants is to get a text from their ex, especially when you’ve moved on. Here are 75 people that never should have texted their ex because it only brought them further humiliation.
1. Sorry, no more thunder down under
Sorry, the va-jay-jay is no longer in service to any and all exes. It’s busy doing something else.
2. Latin for Millennials
Instead of veni vidi vici, it’s more like: He called. It rang. She watched. Et tu, Brutal!
3. You know who I am, right?
Said the has-been celebrity to the paparazzi who no longer wanted to follow them.
4. I don’t blame you either
Of course you miss them. Because, who doesn’t love a good narcissistic?
5. If the end of the world were right meow…
Guess you’ll just have to just go deal with all those demons by yourself when the world goes bye-bye. ‘Cause, she would rather be a cat lady when the apocalypse comes knocking on her door.!
As the great Inigo Montoya once said, “I do not think it means what you think it means.” Or at least, you better hope that’s not what brutal backswing to your eggplant means!
7. Long time no hear
Yeah, must have been a really long time. 3 years and counting, in fact!
8. Wrong person, cool paragraph
Thea’s got such a great attitude about this. She’s rooting for her ex to win his other ex back!
Just imagine you’re saying that in Bill and Ted’s voice. Or you could try reading it in Mr Burns’s voice from the Simpsons. Either way – it’s excellent!
10. Cheers mate!
Here’s to many more years of dumping you! What a great anniversary to celebrate.
11. Well, he doesn’t give up.
Gotta give him that. Even when told that he has a cocktail weenies that no one dreams of, he’s still looking to score.
12. Hey, you worthless waste of time!
Wait, which waste of time is this? There’s so many!
13. Looking good
Yep, that’s what getting out of a bad relationship will do for you. It’ll make you look awesomely smart and beautiful!
14. I think it’s best we just nod politely at parties
This is the best kind of response. It’s polite, but brutally honest. Those are the wounds that cut deep!
15. That’s not true!
RIP, heart. They never loved you to begin with!
16. My mama
Instead of “your mama,” it’s “my mama” jokes! And these jokes are just as funny.
17. It’s like Google knew what he was thinking
Hey stranger, are you up? Google’s response: an article on f-boys just like him.
18. Yeah, cheating does count
It doesn’t matter if you went on a date. Doing the deed with her bestie is still cheating!
19. Get off her Netflix!
Breaking up isn’t as easy as it used to be. Now you have to change both your locks and your passwords, ’cause Netflix stalking is now a thing!
20. Have you divorced your wife yet?
Awww, for goodness sake! Stop texting women that aren’t your wife!
21. Thanks for reminding me!
That’s pretty funny. Don’t you ever get one of those texts that remind you to do something important?
22. Ewww, what a worm
A short and stumpy one, too! Good riddance because those are just key random thoughts no one needs in their day.
23. Nope, nein, nyet!
Good call. Keep saying nope to that stupid ex who keeps calling every couple of minutes!
“Remind me of the Dua lipa song..” New Rules ..” One dont pick up the phone you only know he’s calling cause he’s drunk and alone”
24. Well that escalated quickly
It’s so nice when your cousins ask about your ex. Too bad this guy had to be so mean about it!
25. No thanks, loser
“Good” is a relative term. It’s not very good when the other person is so disgusting!
26. Must have been a really nice shower
LOL! Yep, just got out of the shower 10 months later!
27. Sucks to be you
Your booty call privileges have been revoked! Like the saying goes, if ya don’t use it, ya lose it!
28. You’re so beautiful!
But dayum, that ring is way more beautiful! She’s obviously doing fine and does not need to do anything with you.
29. Yeah, that’s annoying
People always look better after you break up with them. Be glad she tolerated you enough to respond with just 1% charge left on her phone!
30. Your choice in men is faulty
Yeah, she knows her choice in men is faulty. Look in the mirror and take a good look at who she went out with!
31. Can we move on?
Nope! And here’s a definition of nope from the dictionary, just in case you forgot what it means!
32. I ragret it!
If you can’t even bother to spell “regret” the right, then you probably don’t really regret it. At least it’s easy for her to erase mistakes like you from her life.
33. I apologize for ghosting
Awww, all that time spent in crafting the perfect apology letter was wasted. This ex has already forgotten about you!
34. Fridge poems that don’t suck
You are the son of a crusty fetus maggott. That sounds like the end of a formerly bad relationship.
35. I heard my phone go off
She heard her phone go off and went back to sleep. Good thing, ’cause it really wasn’t all that important!
Yep, number deleted! Ex deleted! There’s no more history to link the two of you together.
37. Throwin’ Satan some shade
Yep. Your name is still Satan. And Satan is still not getting any love.
38. All shook up
All shook up over the breakup? And who’s fault is that again?
39. Just wants his hoodie back
What’s a hoodie among exes who hate each other worth? A year of their life back!
40. Log out of Netflix
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. They love Netflix ore than you.