Breakups can be messy, but after the heartache phase has passed the last thing anyone wants is to get a text from their ex, especially when you’ve moved on. Here are 75 people that never should have texted their ex because it only brought them further humiliation.
1. Sorry, no more thunder down under
Sorry, the va-jay-jay is no longer in service to any and all exes. It’s busy doing something else.
Instead of veni vidi vici, it’s more like: He called. It rang. She watched. Et tu, Brutal!
3. You know who I am, right?
Said the has-been celebrity to the paparazzi who no longer wanted to follow them.
4. I don’t blame you either
Of course you miss them. Because, who doesn’t love a good narcissistic?
5. If the end of the world were right meow…
Guess you’ll just have to just go deal with all those demons by yourself when the world goes bye-bye. ‘Cause, she would rather be a cat lady when the apocalypse comes knocking on her door.!
As the great Inigo Montoya once said, “I do not think it means what you think it means.” Or at least, you better hope that’s not what brutal backswing to your eggplant means!
Yeah, must have been a really long time. 3 years and counting, in fact!
8. Wrong person, cool paragraph
Thea’s got such a great attitude about this. She’s rooting for her ex to win his other ex back!
Just imagine you’re saying that in Bill and Ted’s voice. Or you could try reading it in Mr Burns’s voice from the Simpsons. Either way – it’s excellent!
Here’s to many more years of dumping you! What a great anniversary to celebrate.
11. Well, he doesn’t give up.
Gotta give him that. Even when told that he has a cocktail weenies that no one dreams of, he’s still looking to score.
12. Hey, you worthless waste of time!
Wait, which waste of time is this? There’s so many!
Yep, that’s what getting out of a bad relationship will do for you. It’ll make you look awesomely smart and beautiful!
14. I think it’s best we just nod politely at parties
This is the best kind of response. It’s polite, but brutally honest. Those are the wounds that cut deep!
RIP, heart. They never loved you to begin with!
Instead of “your mama,” it’s “my mama” jokes! And these jokes are just as funny.
17. It’s like Google knew what he was thinking
Hey stranger, are you up? Google’s response: an article on f-boys just like him.
18. Yeah, cheating does count
It doesn’t matter if you went on a date. Doing the deed with her bestie is still cheating!
Breaking up isn’t as easy as it used to be. Now you have to change both your locks and your passwords, ’cause Netflix stalking is now a thing!
20. Have you divorced your wife yet?
Awww, for goodness sake! Stop texting women that aren’t your wife!
21. Thanks for reminding me!
That’s pretty funny. Don’t you ever get one of those texts that remind you to do something important?
A short and stumpy one, too! Good riddance because those are just key random thoughts no one needs in their day.
Good call. Keep saying nope to that stupid ex who keeps calling every couple of minutes!
@Ravenclaw:
“Remind me of the Dua lipa song..” New Rules ..” One dont pick up the phone you only know he’s calling cause he’s drunk and alone”
24. Well that escalated quickly
It’s so nice when your cousins ask about your ex. Too bad this guy had to be so mean about it!
“Good” is a relative term. It’s not very good when the other person is so disgusting!
26. Must have been a really nice shower
LOL! Yep, just got out of the shower 10 months later!
Your booty call privileges have been revoked! Like the saying goes, if ya don’t use it, ya lose it!
But dayum, that ring is way more beautiful! She’s obviously doing fine and does not need to do anything with you.
29. Yeah, that’s annoying
People always look better after you break up with them. Be glad she tolerated you enough to respond with just 1% charge left on her phone!
30. Your choice in men is faulty
Yeah, she knows her choice in men is faulty. Look in the mirror and take a good look at who she went out with!
Nope! And here’s a definition of nope from the dictionary, just in case you forgot what it means!
If you can’t even bother to spell “regret” the right, then you probably don’t really regret it. At least it’s easy for her to erase mistakes like you from her life.
33. I apologize for ghosting
Awww, all that time spent in crafting the perfect apology letter was wasted. This ex has already forgotten about you!
34. Fridge poems that don’t suck
You are the son of a crusty fetus maggott. That sounds like the end of a formerly bad relationship.
35. I heard my phone go off
She heard her phone go off and went back to sleep. Good thing, ’cause it really wasn’t all that important!
Yep, number deleted! Ex deleted! There’s no more history to link the two of you together.
37. Throwin’ Satan some shade
Yep. Your name is still Satan. And Satan is still not getting any love.
All shook up over the breakup? And who’s fault is that again?
39. Just wants his hoodie back
What’s a hoodie among exes who hate each other worth? A year of their life back!
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. They love Netflix ore than you.
Ooops, sorry they didn’t mean to call. They meant to block you!
42. Can I talk to my dog, please?
Blocking access to the dog? What kind of horrible ex is this?
Pizza booty calls. They’re the worst!
Well, after 2 years of no-contact and no explanation, that’ll be a big no. Ghosting is frowned upon by most people who are on the receiving end.
45. Maybe it’s just the cocaine talking
Forget drunk texting. This is way better, ’cause cocaine is actually doing the talking for you!
Well let’s see. You on fire + me with water = I drink water. How’s that for hate math?
Was that dream next to your fiance? You know, YOUR FIANCE?
Nope! New year, new standards, buh-bye!
49. That line never works.
“You up?” Not if you’re going to try to sleep with them, they’re not! Nice try, though!
Forgot you texted? Did you forget that phones track time, too?
No really, guess? Me? Please?
Absolutely right! This response is pure gold.
Yes, report that ex as junk! ‘Cause they really are trash, right baby?
54. That’s a no from Tom too
That is so perfectly…scary! No chance of getting Tom to jump on the Oprah’s couch either.
The last 10 years of their life. And you out of it!
56. “When you block their number so they try to booty-email you.”
Today I am thankful that I’m not on anyone’s booty email. Or for that matter, eBay’s watch list!
@boblitz:
“Mine messaged me on eBay once.”
57. The Christmas lights stalker
Yes, that does sound weird. Unless you like to drive by everyone’s house and check out their Christmas deco’s.
58. Maybe in another lifetime
Uh, you’re kinda missing the whole point here. You’re never gonna see them around!
Haha, just like the famous pop song! SOMEBODYYYY!
60. Breakfast of champions
That’s such a great combination. I’d be missin’ whiskey and pop tarts too!
See, not all breakups have to be nasty! Just say what you’re feeling from deep down inside.
Awww, that was just so ICE COLD! Just re-frame it in a positive way and consider yourself lucky to have gotten away from that mess.
Maybe after another 2 weeks they’ll finally get the hint and move on to something less serious. Like all the single ladies!
I guess it’s time to pay attention to the missus. This free ride is no longer in service.
65. Kept your peaches in case you came back
Yeah, but those peaches probably went bad 6 months ago. Just like their logic and reasoning.
It’s just very succinct and to the point. And full of fancy words that make you shudder and quiver, like m’lady and fedora.
67. Sweet dreams (are not made of this)
Dayum! That response was so brutal! Sweet dreams bub.
Well now, that’s a first. Someone begging to be ghosted!
69. I miss you, I hate you, the end.
Isn’t this how all true love stories from your ex should go? It has a polite beginning, a flirty middle, and a terrible ending.
70. She’s gone-girling herself tonight, tomorrow, and forever!
‘Cause she knows better. There is no such thing as a casual check-in at 9am from a married man!
71. The most popular time to miss people
What time is it? Oh, 3:40 in the morning? Uh huh.
Do not pass go. Don’t even try. Just let it go!
How long do they plan on living? ‘Cause that’s not long enough of a breakup for this ex.
He’s not even bothering to put any effort into this booty call. It probably wasn’t any better at 2pm when they are actually together.
Those are the rules of dating. You get to text when you are, and you don’t get to text when you’re not. Any questions?
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